Begging to Believing

Our pastor has an excellent sermon on Sunday that really hit me home.  He preached on begging God for his blessings.  That it really isn't showing our faith in God and his willingness to bless his children because if we keep asking, keep begging, keep whining, he starts to think, as we often do as parents, "baby, if you ask me one more time! Goodness! Why don't you believe me? I said I would!" How right is that?? He said what you do is you ask God for what you want, then you immediately turn that into believing by thanking him for giving it to you, for making it happen.

How this hit home to me is it really opened my eyes about our housing situation.  Many know, some may not, that our property manager asked that if we wanted to get out of our lease early, they would allow it without any reletting/termination fees because they need our apartment for the neighbors (who happens to also be the only maintenance guy on property) and his growing family.  Apparently they are going to put a doorway between our apts so that way he has a whole extra apartment. Apparently.  Well, we had already decided that we were going to move at the end of our lease any way, we really had wanted to move in June when our lease was up but I had not been able to save up enough money due to selling the house and saving up for our cruise to move.  So we signed a 7 mo lease and started saving our butts off.  It really did pay off. So when they asked us if we wanted to move early, we were gung-ho about it!  

For those who don't live in Beeville and read my blog, this town is absolutely ridiculous in housing prices.  And I really mean ridiculous! The oil field has come in with such a vengeance that you can't even book a hotel room in this town or any surrounding towns.  It is darn near impossible to find an apartment.  And I would have to say that all these apartments in this town, save maybe two or three, are what I would have considered the ghetto in Longview.  The two or three are the newer ones.  Hence the unafforable ones.  I am sure that if  I went and found a job, possibly even a oil field job because they really do need people in the offices etc, that we would def be able to afford more.  But we have chosen to sacrifice many a things for me to stay home.  Because when it is all said and done, and child care is paid for, and gas money is spent, and extra extras for workings is out there, really, all we would be bringing home extra is about $800-1000.  And the time I would miss with Ethan.  The things I have learned about him.  The things I have been able to teach him.  Seeing him grow.  Seeing him mature.  Seeing his nasty attitude.  Having him wake up first thing in the morning and coming out to say "morning mama", and the laughs and hugs and kisses, and snuggles, and kissing booboos, and breaking up fights with friends, and scrambling for food and rewards, and cleaning up crazy messes, and wiping boogers and poopy butts, and watching the same stupid cartoon over and over, and being a personal chef, maid, chofer, nurse, disciplinarian, role model, toy fixer, clothing mender, sort of stuff, all this extra stuff is not worth missing for a lousing $800 when we can make it work otherwise.  Let me set one thing straight here tho, if that $800 meant that we were eating that month, or that rent was getting paid in the first place, than you can bet your butt I would be doing that.  However, since we are able to make it without the additional income, why would I miss this?  I have all my older adult life to work when all my kids grow up and move out.  Why would I miss it?? So, we have been really sticking to our guns about what we can and cannot afford.  And everything housing wise in Beeville is in the "cannot afford" list.  I mean seriously! I called a Realtor yesterday and he told me he had a 2/1 a little out of town, really nice, for $1300. Errrtttt. Stop the car!  Did he just say $1300??? That is MORE than double our current rent for NOTHING more in space??????? Yea, I do not think so.  And all these single guys, with no family, who are away for like 3 weeks out of the month drilling these wells, and their company pays for those stupidly high rents, are the reason that something so rinky dinky small (and prob built in 1920, no insulation, etc) is so out outrageously expensive! And that doesn't even consider that you have to pay for electricity. And have I mentioned recently how hot it is in South Texas?  While all my lovely friends in other states talk about building fires, and snuggling, and wearing hoodies, and enjoying fall, did you know that today it was 90 degrees.  Ugh.  And last year Christmas day was 65 degrees.  It got cold for a whole five minutes last year in February.  Okay, maybe a bit more than five minutes.  More like two weeks of I needed a good jacket, a hat, gloves, and a scarf.  So that being said, do you know how much electricity costs out here? This summer, in our 823 sq ft apt, I paid an electricity bill of $187.  Our 1800 sq ft house, before the brand new, energy efficient A/C, had the highest bill of $150. After that A/C, without extra insulation  it dropped to $65 over the summer.  No lie. Something crazy price gouging in this area is seriously happening.  Wow, I think I just went off on a tangent.  This is something that has had me heated up for quite some time.  

There is a silver lining, there is this housing area in Beeville that used to be old military housing and when the military pulled out of beeville, several years later, some man in California bought it and turned it into rentals.  It has 4/2, 3/2, 3/1.5 houses, 3/2.5, 3/1.5 town homes, 2/1 apartments, 2/1 duplexes, etc.  And all the electricity is paid.  The houses require the tenant to pay for water, but that isn't too bad.  When you consider the houses are around 1300-1400 sq ft.  Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't like, the country club, these houses are old, and they sat vacant for many years before the man bought it, and they are poorly insulated, and they are drafty, and they have single pane windows, but does any of that matter if you aren't paying for electricity?  And the pricing of them is really reasonable considering that they pay for electricity.  the reason we did not go with them in the beginning was because we could not swing $900 in rent and $1100 in mortgage while we were trying to sell our house.  Our house has been sold and gone since December.  And that was barely in the nick of time (God's time, it was perfect). But now that is possible.  So, I get home from visiting my mom in NC in August on a late Friday night, and Saturday morning we fill out an app online for this rental community and go to the office to see if they have anything.  The just had a skip out and they let us look at it (honestly I was fine seeing it, I knew what it was going to look like afterwards, Kris, on the other hand, had a bit of a harder time seeing it for what it would be).  They told us they needed our income and we emailed it to them that night.  I called the following Monday to confirm they got it.  After being put on hold for like 5 minutes, she found it and said it looked good.  Thursday, a different lady calls me saying they still haven't gotten my hubbys income faxed in.  I am like, rewind, are you guys that disorganized? I even called on Monday to confirm... She said she would look for it.  I didn't hear anything back, so I called on Friday, they said they were still waiting on our rental to come in.  I almost started laughing like Joker, because seriously, we're waiting on rental?  We have own and sold two houses. Our credit is outstanding. We have absolutely nothing that has been even 30 days late.  Not even when we sold our house. And they couldn't approve us because of rental.  W.O.W. I called back the following Monday, and guess what happened? That house we were hoping to get into immediately  well someone came and left money on it that weekend.  Grrrr, can you talk about me being quite a bit upset.  So we called back like every two to three days to check up, because apparently they don't know how to call people and tell them that something is available.

Yesterday, I had a bit of a rough, pregnancy hormone related, up and down day.  I was just feeling a bit blue.  Looking back, I attribute the blues feeling to hunger, because once I ate, I felt much better.  Oh and surrender.  I called that Realtor yesterday and I also called this homeowner to find out prices.  I was feeling really ready to call it quits. Kris and I had a really big discussion that night about it.  He even mentioned that maybe it was time to be looking to move out of this area if it is going to be like this.  Or to buy.  And both of us do not want to buy.  Do not want to buy.  Burned so bad these two buys, do not want to buy.  Won't buy for probably another 5 years.  Want a minimum of 10% to put down before we buy. But driving to pick up Ethan, I remembered what pastor was talking about on Sunday about begging.  And I realized that I had been begging God to make this rental place work.  Make something come available.  And obviously that wasn't working begging God.  So I said to him "God, I have no idea where you are taking us or where you are moving us, or when it will be, but I know you already have it established, and I am thanking you now for it.  You know our situation, we cannot stay in our apt, they need it for the other family, so I thank you for taking care of our family".  And I talked about it to my friend, and then it was done, until Kris and I had a pretty good conversation about it, and it wasn't a bickering conversation, it was a "I give up, I don't know what else to do" sort of deal.

This morning, my Jesus calling said to stop complaining to others.  It said to take my frustrations to Jesus, because he knows my circumstances, and only he could give me the inner peace my heart was desiring, and by complaining to others, my walk in Christ was damaged.  Whew.  That kind of hurt.  Then my women's devotional (which my bible has M-F and weekends, and I just pick some where in the bible and find the day I am on and read that related scriptures) was about putting on God's armor of protection and facing the enemy.  And what piece of armor did I need now more than anything, and it immediately popped into my head, the shield of faith, because I needed to give it over to God, and even when that shield is to heavy to carry, it is big enough to crouch behind. I closed my bible and I again thanked God for my the house he was going to give us.  Then I went about my day.  Kris called the rental property at lunch time, and get this, they had a unit they just picked up this morning.  I literally shoved food down Ethan's throat, loaded him in the car, went and got a money order (and we were running in and out of the store), and rushed over there. And God, you are amazing! The people who skipped out left this house really clean.  They had to have just lived clean. Not a single blind was broken, the window sills were clean, granted the floor needed to be vacuumed and mopped and the tub was dirty, I mean, I have seen stuff absolutely revolting (in pics of move outs that I was literally amazed of how bad it was), and these people left it like they were just moving out.  Even my friend was amazed how clean and not damaged it was.  It was an absolute blessing.  I went back to that office and you better believe I left that money on it.  I thanked God yesterday and this morning, I was not going to brush off his blessings. And right now I am thanking God for getting the carpet replaced for tile flooring and getting the house ready for move in well before the 1st so we don't have to pay rent in this apartment again. I know he is a great and awesome God, and just like we desire to give our children good things, and things they want, he desires to give us the things of our heart and good things. 

Matthew 7:7-11

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 

Remember

Do you remember where you were when you heard/saw the news of the towers crashing down?  I don't think I will ever forget.  I was in 11th grade, and I had just walked into my next class (if I remember correctly it was SAT Prep).  All the TV's were on (rare) and it took me until the second tower was hit to understand that this was reality.  Never in my life had I experienced anything so very evil, and it took me a while to understand that this wasn't some history show or something along those lines (although now it I can see it as history in the making).  About 6 months ago, Kris and I were watching a 9/11 special on TV, and as an adult, the horror of what really happened that day is so much worse than it was as a teenager.  I often have tried not to expose myself to those specials.  I am far to vulnerable to watch the pain, sorrow, terror, and evil over and over.  It just eats me up.  But I cannot forget.  We must never forget.  We must not forget that the evil one has plans to lie, steal, and destroy.  But mostly, we must not forget that Jesus came and died for us so that we may go to heaven and that he HAS ALREADY WON! And the devil doesn't stand a chance! Jesus will conquer him!  He already has! Today may be our last day on this side of heaven (as it was for too many people in the towers and surrounding areas, and many more from the affects of the tower dust...), don't waste it!  Tell your loved ones you love them, treat every person you meet with kindness, compassion, and understanding.  You do not know the walk God has put them on.  A true Christian is not judged by their words (Here I am, I am a Christian, I am good, watch me work), but solely on their actions of love, acceptance, forgiveness, and gentleness.  How often we forget these things when we allow the devil to whisper in our ears and to take our focus off of Jesus. Never forget friends. Never.

John 14:6 (NIV)

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me..."

Matthew 12:28-31 (Message)

The Most Important Commandment

²⁸ One of the religion scholars came up. Hearing the lively exchanges of question and answer and seeing how sharp Jesus was in his answers, he put in his question: “Which is most important of all the commandments?”

^29-31 Jesus said, “The first in importance is, ‘Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.

Dear Ethan

Dear Ethan M. Mann,

We, Mommy & Daddy, currently hereforth referred to as "the company", are writing you this letter in review of your current work status as child.

The company thus far has been pleased with your performance. The company would like you to work on the following things before your next review:

1) Pick up your toys when you are done playing with them
2) Ask for something you want instead of demanding it
3) If you are angry, please go to your room until your anger is in control
4) Help the company with everything they ask without arguement.

The company understands that these items above may be difficult at your current training.  Therefore, the company will continue training you as long as needed to acheive these items as well as add additional duties according to your skill level.  Please keep in mind the companies goal is to make you successful, thereby making the company successful.

These things are manditory to learn, as you are being promoted to big brother come the end of April.  Until then, you will continue working for the company at your current rank, gaining the skills necessary to move forward in your new job.  Some futures duties may include, but may not be limited to are:

1) Bringing the company a diaper, wipes, rash cream, etc
2) Holding your new sibling, kissing, and posing for pictures
3) Teaching your sibling the things you have already learned
4) Protecting your sibling from anything dangerous

We, the company, have 100% faith that you can complete these tasks.  Please sign below if you understand the terms of your conditions.

Sincerely,

The Company

Conviction laid upon my heart

I have been struggling with something big.  And I don't really want to post what it is, because partially, I am ashamed of the struggle (although the struggle is of the devil, not of God, he asks that we give our burdens to him and he will carry our cross), and partially because it is awfully personal.  But that's not why I am blogging today.  I am blogging because during my women's daily devotional bible study today, I felt convicted. God is speaking to me.  And can say I say that, oh me oh my, does it ever hurt me to know that I am being reprimanded, but I know it is for my own good.  Like we discipline our children, not because we love to hurt them or hurt their feelings, or be a giant nag (altho that's how I feel some day ha!), but because we want them to learn respect, safety, social skills, politeness, responsibility, etc.  And God wants the same for us.

So this bible devotional focuses on Psalm 51:1-19.  In short, it is the Psalm where King David is convicted of his wrong doing actions in killing Uriah so that he could "justify" having Uriah's wife as his own (mind you, he had already taken Uriah's wife, and she was with child.  So he tried to get Uriah to "lay" with his wife so he could hide the pregnancy.  Uriah was a noble man and would not sleep in comfort when he men were on the front lines.  Nothing David did could convince Uriah to visit his wife, so he decided that he should just have him conveniently killed in battle.)  Nathan, being a vessel for God, calls him out on his sin, because adultery is adultery, even if you change the name of it to "sharing" or make excuses such as "well her husband died, so our relationship is appropriate now".  This study focuses on what excuses do we make for our sin, and what have we called our sin to "dress" it up and feel better?  Here's the examples they gave: "It isn't gossip, it is sharing", "it isn't coveting, it is admiring", "it isn't lying, it's explaining".

The study goes on to say that God doesn't forgive excuses or renaming our sins, he forgives our SINS.  Which brings me to the main reason I am blogging today.  A while back, I am not sure when, maybe some time in college, I decided that when I made a mistake that I wouldn't muddy up my apology by excuses, so called "justifications", or unnecessary explanations. I would woman up and accept my mistakes.  Nothing annoyed me more than someone saying, "I am so sorry but this is what happened".  Regardless of what happened, we are still responsible for our responses, our actions, our words.  Just because someone wronged you does not give you an excuse to wrong them in return.  Just because you have had a bad day does not allow for you to be ugly to others.  Just because... dare I say it... just because someone close to you has died or possibly moved on in life... does not give you permission to be a terrible person.  And I have lost both kinds of people.  And yes, it is awfully difficult to avoid becoming bitter in the circumstances, but bitterness is like poison to the soul.  It will eat you alive.  Until there is nothing of your former self left except decay, disgust, and blackness.  And then you will wander why people don't want relationships with you, and you don't have friends, and you are so unhappy.  But it is NEVER too late to turn around.  Even if you are already full of decay and disgust.  Our Jesus died so that he could wash us white as snow.  How awesome is that???????  Back to my decision I made a while back.  Often, I am reminded of this promise I made to myself, I am sure by God, because I think the action of apologizing without excuses is probably acceptable in God's eyes.  And I must do this for him also.  I must come to God, humble, ashamed of my sin, ready to hand it over and ask for forgiveness, and not try to justify my actions, because God cannot hear the justifications, just the sins.

Ugh.  This is just a difficult principle to administer. I just thank God that he still is interested in me to keep correcting me, because if it ever comes to the point when I don't feel God's corrections than I know that his favor has been lifted from me, and that will be a hard hard day!  So, what excuses or renaming have you been doing in your life to justify your sin?  Ask for forgiveness from the sin, and nothing else, and work on changing your path to avoid those sins.

Thank you God, for this day.  For the light to see the sky, for the warmth on my skin, for the ability to pay our bills, even if not much is left over, for the health of my family, for my husbands job, for my awesome church family who always takes care of each other.  Thank you God for a working vehicle, for gas money, for nice cloths to wear and things we don't need but certainly do love.  Thank you God for my extended family, including those who I have adopted as family.  Most of all, thank you God for your son Jesus, that you should send him to us to die for our sins. I can never thank you enough. Amen

Father's Day

As Father's Day creeps up, I am thinking of Kris.  Of what to get him that he wants.  Because I wish Ethan was old enough to either make something for his daddy or pick it out from his heart.  So right now I am playing "Father's Day Santa", so to speak.

I don't want to say too much, just because I have an idea, and honestly I do not know if Kris reads my blogs.  He pretends not to be interested in them, but I would be willing to bet he reads them  ;)

So then I start thinking of my daddy.  How do I tell him how much I love him and am just so HONORED to have him as a father.  He has been such an awesome father, and often I wish I was as laid back and calm as him when it comes to parenting, instead I tend to lean more towards moms parenting tactics (which aren't all bad, just a touch more high strung, sorry mama, just being honest here).  I miss hanging out with Dad.  He really cracks me up, and yet, I can have a really smart person conversation with him, for about 20 minutes, then its all jokes.  Maybe he uses it as a coping technique, as in to not take life so seriously.  Good for him for figuring it out.  In the mean time, I struggle with yelling at Ethan and all my buttons being pushed.  Some days.  Other days, he wakes up, and cuddles and laughs and plays and is JUST so sweet, and that's the little boy I miss on the crabby, cranky, melt down days.  I want to put the pictures of what "Papa" is getting for from Ethan for Fathers day, but I don't want to spoil it, because what if daddy is reading this as we speak??

Well, Ethan and I are gonna go eat.  Kris is sick, sleeping on the couch.  Resting up his voice for tomorrow.  He's singing with the band all three services tomorrow.  I need to remember to bring the camera, because I am super stoked to see him up there!!  We are having, uh, what would you call this?  Everything soup?  It started out as beef and veggie.  Then I added rice, left over potatoes and corn from the fridge.  And now it smells wonderful and I am stoked to eat it.  Just wish it was 100 deg outside while we eat soup.  Oh well, at least it is a hot meal.

Prayer on my heart

Dear God,

I ask you to please hear the prayer on my heart.  I do not specifically want to name this prayer, because I know the devil does not know everything like you do, only what is written, spoken, or acted out. So this prayer is between me and you God.  And I cry it out in severe desperation because my heart is hurting so bad.  And I know you are the redeemer and the great healer, so I trust in you to help me with my hearts desire.

I pray you watch over me the next few weeks and help me fight the devil and his minions, as they sure are attacking me, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.  I pray for discernment in your word in my life, and serenity to accept the things you want for me, especially when I don't feel like doing it, and mostly, I just long to feel your loving embrace surround me and protect me and my hearts desires.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

Just a quick prayer

Hey all,

Just need a quick prayer. I feel like there's so much "busy" work I need to do tomorrow and I wander if some of it is just a distraction from what God wants from me tomorrow.  I literally have my whole day planned out from 8:30 all the way to bed.  I look at the schedule, knowing I need to cut some stuff out so I can have some down time, and I can actually have time with God, but it all seems so important. So how about I tell you what I have written down, and you tell me what can wait until tomorrow (or the next day), or maybe as I am typing them out I will see how ridiculous the task really is:

drop Ethan off at Mothers Morning Out, on my way home, stop at storage and pay storage rent, go into our storage unit and get out stickers for tomorrow, stop by front office of apartments and pay rent, inquire about any rent increases I should be expecting come June 1st (for those who don't know this, your landlord is required to give you written notice of any price increases (according to state of Texas I should probably clarify) as many days as you are required to give a written notice to vacate, so if you have to give a 30 day notice to vacate (move out), then they have to give you at least 30 day notice of your rates increasing after your lease end date), dishes, call vet about booboo (another story entirely), shower (yes, I won't have showered right away, maybe I will move this up to 7am soon as Kris leaves, that's kind of up in the air), hair cut, go to the church to help with quicken reports, to the library to print of Mommy & Me study stuff, home for lunch, balance check book, menu planning, grocery list based off that, return clothing to Steeles, pick up mail, pick up my precious cargo (aka Ethan), go the the park if he seems to need to burn more energy, home to prepare dinner, dinner, small group, skip Ethan bath time and story time due to coming home about 1.5 hrs after his bed time, mommy crashes out from day burn out.

And to top it off, I already have a list of three things I would like to do come Thursday during Ethan's other mother morning out, including going to a moms group without Ethan, but because a midwife is going to be coming to speak and I am interested in what she has to say, laundry, update my May calendar on my dry erase board and my bill paying calendar, and anything else that didn't get accomplished Tuesday or Wednesday. Ugh.  Now it is 11 pm, and I really need to lay down to get some sleep, but I know I need to hand over my busy schedule to God, because I know he can handle everything for me, otherwise I won't be able to sleep tonight and it will take all my energy to do anything tomorrow.  I also want to get up a little earlier than Kris and Ethan so I can have some one on one time with God and prepare my heart for the day. How much time do I start off with though?  I don't want to short change God, but I am already doing that by barely waking up in time to throw together a not so great lunch and breakfast for Kris and Ethan waking up 10 minutes after I wake up and I just don't do well with demands the first 1/2 hr I am awake.  So maybe I need about 45 minutes.  1/2 an hour with God, and 15 minutes to start preparing for the day for Kris and Ethan.  Maybe than I will great them with a cheery face, smiling, wishing them good morning in a sing song voice, hugging and kissing them, wishing Kris off to a good day like I mean it, not like, bye, see ya later, hope today is fruitful for you because it already sucks for me, sort of attitude.  How many times do I have to pray this same exact prayer to love my husband so completely that he has no choice but to love me back?  How many times until it actually happens?  Honestly, it has been drilled more and more into my head that it starts with loving and spending time alone with God.  Where else am I to get the strength to make it through my day if he doesn't provide it for me first?  Because I am human, and I am a failure at being human honestly, and I will continue to disappoint, but my God won't.  So yea, enough babbling.  time to get my behind to bed so 5:45 doesn't come so early.  Goodnight ya'll.  And extra prayers would def be appreciated!!

I will persevere!!!

Merriam-Webster defines perseverance as:

: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness (directly copied from the website)

So my opposition this morning is the DEVIL.  He has been attacking me since last night!  I have been doing some work in preparation for this mommy & me meeting today, meeting with Pastor and having a good long talk about things in general, including where we would like to see this group go, doing research on topics we could discuss in the future, ideas for outings we could do, etc.  It has been actually quite interesting to do these things.  Not like work at all.  Just something that is satisfying a thirst for knowledge/organization inside of me.

While I was doing my research on topics, something I read said that Proverbs has a wealth of biblical parenting advice.  So I decided to start reading Proverbs.  Well, I got stuck on Proverbs 1:7, which reads:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,

but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

This struck me as interesting because the first 6 versus of Proverbs 1 are instructions on who is to use Proverbs, and how to use them.  Then before they go into all the Godly wisdom and advice, Solomon (who has been said to be one of the wisest kings/men/people of God to ever live) said that in order to know ANYTHING, you must first start with fearing the Lord.  So I went online to read what others had to say about Proverbs 1.  And it is interesting some things I found.  There is a page that I really got some good info from:

http://www.vtaide.com/Proverbs/index.html

I will be spending some time summing up what was said on that page, as well as what I find interesting and where I feel emphasis is necessary in MY life.

What does that mean to me exactly?  That to gain wisdom, knowledge, SMARTS, that it all starts with a good, healthy fear of the Lord!!  But.... what does it mean exactly to fear the Lord?  Does that mean we are to be afraid to approach him because he is that scary?  Does it mean that we don't ever provoke him?  Well, yes, we should never provoke God.  But that statement DOES NOT mean we should fear approaching God.  Quite the opposite!  The page I was reading from said that fear of the Lord meant two things: to run away from sin and pursue righteousness.  In other words, we should fear the punishment of sin from God so much that we turn away, RUN away, and pursue righteousness.  God is SO HOLY that he cannot even be around sin, and if we are born with sin, than that goes to say that he can't be around us, but alas! There is hope!  Jesus died for our sins so that we may be forgiven and we CAN be around God.  But we are to struggle every day with our current sins, and we are to turn away, ask for forgiveness, and pursue what is right, Godly, and just.  That being said, we should NEVER BE AFRAID OF APPROACHING GOD, JUST OF OUR UNFORGIVEN SINS THAT HE WILL PUNISH US FOR!!!

In verse 29 and 31, Solomon goes on to say in response to rejecting wisdom (as in from God): (parenthesis are my comments, not part of the verse)

Since they hated knowledge (which we know now comes from the fear of Lord) and did not choose to fear the Lord... they will eat the fruit of their ways (reaping what you sow much??)

Proverbs 2 begins to describe the benefits of heeding wisdom, he says that if you search out wisdom with your heart and open ears (mind/heart/soul), accept the wisdom, ask for insight and understanding and search it (insight/understanding) out as you would precious stones and valuable metals (specifically he says silver and treasure, vs 4)... [all this is my summary of 2:1-4], then vs 5 says:

then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD (emphasis is mine alone)

I mean, wow.  In order to gain the wisdom of GOD, not just plain ole, boring, HUMANLY wisdom, but HIS perfect, awesome, powerful wisdom, then it starts with "fearing the Lord".  Which brings us full circle that in order to get this wisdom, we must TURN away from sin and REPENT! We must approach God humbly, with reverence, asking for forgiveness NOW, TODAY, which we know is only offtered through the sacrifice of our Jesus, who died for us.  

So last night I was so struck in awe about this revelation, I mean, I knew it anyway, but to hear it again, God must have been speaking to me.  I humbly came to him, asking him for all the things I have done, and the things I cannot remember doing but he still finds pungent in his perfectness.  And the devil started attacking me!  My throat started hurting so bad and I couldn't actually swallow.  I mean, it was pretty bad.  I didn't think anything of it really because my throat has been scratchy for days, (looking back now, I think the devil has really been attacking me for my decision to be the spokesperson for mommy & me).  I posted just a summary of what I was feeling on FB and I went to bed.  I slept AWESOME!! Although I woke up with a headache, sore throat, and stuffy nose.  The devil was still attacking me.  He only had a few short hours to convince me I was sick and couldn't go to Mommy & Me and share my revelations and my love for Christ and my heart for getting this group up and running and growing.  Myself and two other mothers (as well as any other ones that decide to come today) have a huge heart for the success for this group, and together, with Jesus by our side, we WILL accomplish great things!  But the devil does not like this!  He wants to ruin my testimony.  He wants to break my fellowship with God.  He has had enough of this Jesus stuff!  BUT I WON'T ALLOW IT! I asked a very good friend to say a prayer for me that I was being attacked by the devil, and she is SUCH a prayer warrior, that I knew she would drop everything to pray a very powerful prayer over me, and together, we both prayed.  Instantly my headache is gone, my throat feels normal, and I can breath again.  Really devil, is that all you got for me?? BRING IT, I got Jesus by my side and you will NOT succeed in bringing me down!!!!

Then I looked on FB for my comment, and I just LOVE what someone posted about my status

Randi, I do not profess to be a Bible Scholar by any means, but I do study God's word. God cannot begin to teach us what we need to know until we learn to fear Him with reverence and respect. When we display this healthy type of fear then we become teachable. Fools depend on their own knowledge and do not want to or think that they need to listen to anyone else, much less God. That is why they are fools. American Heritage Dictionary defines a fool as one lacking judgement or sense.

Wow!  I LOVE that.  So a fool is someone who flat out rejects the opportunity or the teachings or really anything that is besides themselves, and most of all, the smartest being in the universe, God.  Stupid fools.  I mean, literally, Stupid.  Idiots. Fools.  What is wrong with them?? Why would you turn away from something that could give you such an advantage in this life and in the next??  I just am so baffled by it.

Going back to my prayer warrior friend.  At the beginning of the year, she sent me a BEAUTIFUL purple leather Christian daily calendar.  I have been using the HECK out of it since she sent it to me, for meal planning, and for whatever else I wanted to make sure I needed to remember (if you come into our apartment, and look around, you'll see that I have that calendar, a dry erase board I have turned into a calendar, one on my fridge, I use one to pay bills, and I use my phone calendar, I really use a lot of calendars because I hate forgetting things!!).  Every day has a scripture down at the bottom.  So this is HOW awesome God is.  He KNEW when the creators of this calendar were picking out verses that on April 25th, Randi Marie Mann would need to hear Proverbs 16:3.  He encouraged my friend to buy the calender.  He encouraged me to use it.  He encouraged me to leave it open last night on tomorrows (which is now today) page.  He encouraged my friend to read hers first (she got one for herself too).  Then to call my attention to it.  Wow, how amazing in my GOD!!!

Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.  (Proverbs 16:3)

That is SO powerful to me, that I have literally written it (including typed just now) 10 times.  I know it by heart, and I want to remember this one forever, so for the next few days, I will repeat this scripture in my heart over and over and over, believing my LORD, GOD, JESUS, is above all things and will MAKE OUR MOMS GROUP SUCCEED.  TAKE THAT DEVIL!!! BOO YA!!

Resurrection Eggs

Lately, as in the past 9 days, Kris and I have doing these "resurrection eggs" with Ethan.  The idea came from my friend Sarah who found it online (Cullinsabcs.com).  It is magnificent!  As a Christian, I am so moved by this ultimate sacrifice that God and Jesus made so that I may find my way to heaven through my Jesus. However, as a parent, there is more to the feeling than just being "moved".  I am brought to tears, and literally choked up, when I think how my heavenly Father sacrificed his ONLY son to be KILLED for OTHERS SINS! I mean, to be 100% honest, I cannot fathom giving my son up to die for you.  Just being honest here.  I love my son far too much to ever let him die for someone else.  When he is an adult, and if he decides to join the armed forces, or join a missionary that has a large element of danger to it, than that is his decision, one I probably will still struggle with, but this was NOT Jesus' desire! He says in Mark 14:34 "'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them.  'Stay here and keep watch'".  Jesus was going to pray in the garden of Gethsemane, knowing very well that the next day he would be BETRAYED a more brutal betrayal than you or I have ever, and will likely never experience in our meager existences.  That the people he was JUST preaching to the day before would be pulled into the mob mentality and demand his death!  How they would ridicule him, and beat him, spit on him, shove a crown of thorns on his head, gamble for his clothing, laugh at his pain and suffering, all the inhumane things they did to MY Jesus!  Jesus prays for a while, then falls the the ground, BEGGING God to please let this hour pass, that God would ..."take this cup from me."  But my Jesus knew it was so much bigger than him.  He goes on to say "Yet not what I will, but what you will." (Mark 14:36). So I am literally brought to tears, how much GOD loves ME, an ugly sinner with anger management issues who idolizes finances a bit too much, who would rather play on Facebook or crochet than open my bible and READ his good word and soak it up, who is SO quick to judge others, and I am moved to tears.  Why would ANYONE allow their LOVED child to DIE for someone so UGLY?? Because I certainly wouldn't.  Period.  God must love us more than I can ever fathom.

So going back to the resurrection eggs, I really like how these eggs focus our story time at bed.  Ethan looks forward to opening his egg to see what lies inside.  Tonight, he actually shook it first to see if he could hear anything in it before he opened it.  And my heart caught for just a moment when I saw my child, whom I birthed and was so completely dependent on me for LIFE, becoming the man he will be one day. I bought this book from Mardel's called "Jesus is Risen" by Scandinavia.  Okay, this is a much older than my 2.5 year old's comprehension can handle, so we just focus on the story that matches our egg for the day.  And it has been a good pair up.  Do you know how hard it is to tell a 2.5 year old that people were mean to Jesus to the point that they KILLED him, and he DIED? And that they, very viciously, shoved a crown of thorns on his head (we told Ethan it hurt really bad and caused a lot of booboos and owies, and made him bleed, and it made Jesus sad, and the people were not being nice, they were being mean to Jesus and the crown was sharp.  I think we repeated that about 4 times.  It apparently stuck because the next day when we were summing up all the previous days and I got to the crown of thrones, he said "sharp!").  He IS NOT TOO YOUNG TO HEAR THIS.  He must know this.  If the only thing I can say I did when I go to meet my Jesus and God was to teach my son CORRECTLY Jesus' sacrifice for our sins and salvation, and I tried through my brokenness to show him the way, than that is enough for me.  But it isn't enough.  I am also given the task to show the light to you.  And him.  And her.  And how scary is that?  What if you make fun of me?  Or reject me?  That's when I have to remember, you aren't making fun of me or rejecting me; you are rejecting YOUR only way to heaven.  And only YOU and GOD can know what is in YOUR heart for repentance to Jesus.  I don't care if you donate all your money to my church, or attend every single function, and truly love people, and serve until your very last minute.  If YOU do not accept Jesus as your LORD and SAVIOR, than you aren't going to heaven.  The End.

So here are our resurrection eggs:

Day 1: Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey (picture of a donkey is in his egg)
Day 2: Judas betrayed Jesus for money.  Judas was SUPPOSE to be Jesus' friend (a few nickles are in his egg)
Day 3: They broke bread and gave God thanks (a piece of bread is in his egg)
Day 4: Jesus prays for his followers (a picture of praying hands are in his egg)

Day 6: They place a crown of thorns on Jesus head (a picture of a crown of thorns is in his egg)
Day 7: They make a man completely unrelated, just passing by, to carry Jesus cross for him since he is too weak to carry it himself (a pendant from one of my necklaces, a cross, is in his egg)
Day 8: They nail Jesus to the cross, it hurt very bad.  They were very mean to Jesus, this is very sad (three nails are in his egg)
Day 9: Jesus is thirsty and someone dips a sponge in wine vinegar (soured wine basically), this is not a nice gesture (a piece of a kitchen sponge is in his egg)
Day 10: Jesus died.  They wrap him in linen and put his body in a tomb. (a piece of linen, or I put gauze which has a very Jesus' day feel to me, is in his egg)
Day 11: They rolled a giant rock over the tomb they laid Jesus in and put Roman guards outside to protect people from stealing, vandalizing, or doing anything else, Jesus body (a stone is in his egg).
Day 12: Jesus rose!  He fulfilled the scriptures! (his egg is empty!!)

A little funny story.  The day we got to the cross, I had originally had a toothpick hot glued cross in the egg.  Or so I thought.  We almost did day 12 early!  Haha, the cross fell out sometime while I was placing each item in its egg.  So I ran to my necklaces, and found a small cross, which fittingly has little red stones in it.

So as tomorrow day starts, I really want everyone to consider what took place this day over 2,000 years ago.  Even if you are not a Christian currently, so much HISTORY is tied to this EVENT.  I CHALLENGE you to compare the historical facts compared to the Bible's facts and then DENY it.  And remember, it isn't me you are denying.  It is where you will spend eternity once you die or Jesus comes to call us all home, whichever comes first.  I honestly would love to see you in heaven.  But there's only one way to heaven.  And two thousand years ago, God made that way possible.

As a side note, there is a book I read last Easter called "The Case for Easter" by Lee Strobel.  It is an excellent, easy ready if you want more proof that Jesus was beaten, crucified, DIED, buried, and rose again.  There is so much that goes into this book, that after reading it, I set it down, and all I could say was: WOW. If that doesn't make me a believer, I don't know what will.  However, friends, you must know that God has blessed me with the ability to take on anything with Faith.  That I have a very strong, unshakable faith in me.  The reason this is rare is because we are curious creatures, destined to doubt and not believe what we cannot concretely see and touch.  So God blesses his people differently (called Spiritual Gifts), such as discernment, faith, hospitality, the list goes on (like 27 of them are recognized).  He has blessed me with Faith.  I  easily accept the bible and DO NOT doubt it. Why? I do not know, I believe it to be 100% true because God said it was, and that is good enough for me.  Not everyone is like that.  So for the doubters out there, this book is a GREAT read to help answer some of the nagging questions such as did Jesus really die that day when ordinarily it took 3+ days for someone to die on the cross?  And how do we know that someone didn't just STEAL Jesus body from the tomb in order to make it LOOK like the scriptures were being fulfilled (yes the book literally, and historically, answers these questions so well, that if you are history or science geek, the evidence will speak to you). And it is less than 100 pages.

Quotes, Scriptures, & the way to heaven

Just something I am passing on to a family member, thought I would share it with my three followers :)

Some quotes I love:

Remember when the Lord is silent in our trials that the teacher is always quiet during tests.

Don’t tell God how big the storm is, tell the storm how big God is.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference (this has been my favorite prayer since high school).

Some verses I find encouraging:

Psalm 57

Psalm 1:1-6

Psalm 4:4

Psalm 55:22

Psalm 27:1

Ephesians 4:31-32

Luke 17:4

Isaiah 41:10

Deuteronomy 31:6

Matthew 11:28-30

Phillippians 4:13

John 16:33

2 Timothy 1:7

I love you and I hope these help!! 

One more thing I find important to stress, that we can only truly go to heaven and be saved if we have confessed that Jesus is our Lord and Savior and that he died for our sins.  I feel that this confession must be made out loud, using your mouth in witness to at least one other person.  There are many people who believe that Jesus is the savior, and truly worship him as one, but have never confessed it with their mouths; unfortunately they will not be saved and will not make it to heaven.  Personally, growing up, I don’t remember EVER confessing that Jesus died for MY sins and that God raised him from the dead.  I remember saying a bunch of “prayers” that everyone says at the same exact time that you know by heart and I rarely think about the words when I say them.  That won’t get us into heaven.  Rituals and prayers that are centuries old that we don’t say with our HEARTS, but we say out of tradition, will not win us favor in God’s eyes, for his grace, his gift of Christ, is just that, it is a gift.  We cannot earn the gift, ever, no matter how many Hail Mary’s we say or how “good of a person” we think we are. 

Romans 10:9

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (NIV ß New International Version)

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (NLT ß New Living Translation)

Notice, these verses do not say: be a good person, do good things, be fair and kind hearted, and you will be saved. 

Romans 10:10 goes on to say:

For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

In John 14:6 Jesus said he is the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through him.  That means that no one can have a relationship with GOD if they do not first believe in Jesus, and we cannot go to heaven except by being saved.

Okay, so enough preaching.  If you want to know more about this, I am always open to talk about it.  This is a hard subject for me to broach, because we all get a little bristly when we talk about religion and faith, and I just want to see you in heaven when I die!  I love you and I want you to experience the awesome love of God that Kris and I have experienced, even in all our trials.

My recent creations

Lately, I have been doing a few things that I saw on pinterest.  Well, actually, quite a few.  I mean, quite often I post stuff off pinterest, and just don't do anything with it.  Especially the recipes and crafts.  But, like I said, lately I have been, well, let's say motivated!!

So here's what I have been working on:

Lace shorts

This is for one leg, around my thigh (specially measured to me :) of course!)

I have been really wanting to revamp some of my jeans with holes in the knees into shorts with lace on the bottom (to add length and well as help give the short leg room and hide some imperfections).  I even had dreams about what kind of lace, how long I would need to buy, how I would cut it without fraying it, where I would sew it, the weird details to the dreams just keep on going.  Then I had a brilliant idea!  Why not crochet my own lace??  So I started researching patterns.  I was a little discouraged at first, so many of them were table runners and coasters and place mats.  What I wanted was LACE! But then I discovered I was using the wrong key word.  The key word is BORDER or EDGING. Ahh! All the results.  I spent like an hour just looking at laces.  I finally came up with about four patterns.  Now, when someone asks me how long it takes me to make something, I am tempted to tell them in the way I currently measure time: how many nap times did it take? (haha!) and how much after bed hours did it take.  So currently I have been working on the first "set" of lace (because obviously I want the same pair of shorts to MATCH right?).  I am literally almost done with it, I just have to finish the last shell in white, connect it together so it is a loop, and viola! I am finished with it!  Which is exciting, because as easy as the pattern has become (due to repetition, I don't look at the pattern any more), I am ready to work on a different pattern.  I think this first set is kind of loose.  In terms of loose, I mean, the lace has a lot of wiggle room, a lot of "holes", so it really isn't going to "hide" much.  The solution, I believe, to this, is to add a second layer.  Now, the question is, do I do it in the same pattern I have been doing and literally layer it on top of the first layer, but stacked, or should I do a different pattern?  The more I think about it, the cute I think it would be to use the same exact one just stacked.  I'll show you what I mean.



You can see I have put the second layer on the first, with the shells between the others.



Yogurt Melts/Bites

So then I decided that I wanted to try making the yogurt melts/bites/drops/whatever-you-want-to-call-them.  Now they were SUPER easy.  Line a cup with a sand which size zip lock back.  Pour a container of yogurt into the zip lock back.  Line a baking sheet with wax paper, waxy size up.  Cut off bottom corner of bag.  Allow yogurt to "drop" onto the wax paper.  Freeze (I don't know, maybe an hour? I just left it for a while and came back later).  Use a spatula and scrap off paper (comes up super easy).  Store in freezer.  Viola!  You have a nice little summer treat.  Few things I learned:

1. Use good yogurt.  I used generic, and you know how generic has that kind of funny after taste eating it normally, well, guess what!  It has a funny after taste when frozen too (imagine that!).



2. Don't cut a big corner off, or you'll have the same situation I had where it almost POURED out of the bag instead of letting me squeeze it to drop it on the paper.

3. If you are going to store in individual zip lock snack bags, error on the side of not enough.  I think I put too much (split the whole container into three snack bags) in each bag.  What makes me say this?  Well, about 1/2 of the way through eating them, they started melting.  The last few were soft in form and quite messy using your fingers to eat.

You can see that some of my "drops" are smooshed together because it came out way too fast!!





Frozen Yogurt Bites

 

String Eggs

So this one is simple.  Simply messy.  Mix one cup liquid starch (found in the laundry isle) with 1/2 cup of flour with a whisk, until smooth.  Unravel one of those embroidery floss skeins into the mixture (don't just throw it in, or it'll get all tangled, and it is quite a pain in the behind trying to fix when it is covered in goo).  Wrap the string however the creation strikes you around a water balloon.  Allow to dry to 6-8 hours.  Pop balloon and remove excess starch build up in between strings with needle, or I used a bobby pin.  I quite enjoyed this little project.  It took one nap time (roughly 2-3 hours), between set up with news papers (and I need to stress this, that is VITAL to doing thing, otherwise you will have a mess of this goo dried up on your table that will take A LOT of elbow grease getting off, I know this because my news paper didn't cover all the table I was working at and I had several drops dry up on me... ugh), make the mixture, blow up balloons, concoct a little stand for them to dry on (second time around,  I took plastic cups, cut down all the way until about 1 to 1/2 an inch left before base, cut around base- this is one stand, cut rings from the top portion I just removed and pinched them in the center to close them up because I am out of tape to retape them together, one plastic solo cup made about 6-8 drying stands), and then wrap my balloons creatively.  I stopped every so often to wash my hands, search the Internet for bathing suits (which is someone else I did from seeing pictures on pinterest, but  I don't need to make that it's own little paragraph), and do a few other little things.  I am quite proud of them.

Drying on my homemade "stands" (egg cartons and solo cups cut into rings)

Finished product! It is AMAZING!!

24 eggs made in all, it made enough for two bowls, one sits on my table, one in the living room

Cheese Animal Crackers

Now this, I am quite impressed with.  The pin lead to a blog where the lady made her own fishy shaped cookie cutter from a soda can.  I tried this.  I failed.  Haha.  Not fail because my fish looked weird, just cutting them out seems like a lot of work with this cutter, mostly because where the two pieces of metal met I tried taping them up, but cheese dough still got shoved up into it.  Oh well.  I had already bought a little package of mini cookie cutters that are animal shaped.  I got a giraffe, lion, dog, bear, elephant, and Noah's Ark.  Not bad combo really.  They were much easier to cut out the shapes with.  I need to keep this recipe.  It makes really good animal crackers.  They puff up quite a bit more than the Goldfish brand do, but they taste, in my opinion, way better.  The Goldfish always tasted kind of, uh, I don't know, overly manufactured??    Here's the recipe:

• 1 cup(s) all-purpose flour
• 4 tablespoon(s) cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces (I used salted butter, but didn’t add any salt afterward)
• 8 ounce(s) grated extra-sharp Cheddar cheese (around 2 cups). Note: you can experiment with other cheeses. Some people have tried this and loved the results!
• 3/4 teaspoon(s) salt
• 1/8 teaspoon onion powder (note: this is optional since it isn’t part of the original recipe, but I decided to add anyway since I used it)
• 1/2 teaspoon(s) fresh-ground pepper
• 1 teaspoon baking powder

Directions

1. Pulse the flour,onion powder, salt, pepper, and baking powder together using a food processor.
2. Add the butter and cheese, and pulse until the mixture resembles coarse meal.
3. Pulse in 3 to 4 tablespoons of water, 1 tablespoon at a time, and only enough so that the dough forms a ball and rides the blade. Remove, wrap in plastic, and chill for 20 minutes (I put it in the freezer for 20 minutes and in the fridge for 10) or up to 24 hours.
4. Bake the crackers: Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 baking pans with parchment paper or silicone baking mats and set aside. Roll the dough out to 1/8th-inch thickness, using flour if necessary to prevent stickiness. Cut out as many crackers as possible.
5. To add character to the fish: break off an end from a side of a toothpick so it is blunt. Use that point to make the goldfish eyes. To make the smile, lay the toothpick down on its side, press, and drag. If you try to use the toothpick point, it will ruin the smile.
6. Optional: Refrigerate for another 15 minutes or so to make sure they won’t spread.
7. Place them on the prepared baking pans. Bake until golden and crisp (13-18 minutes). Transfer to a wire rack to cool.
8. They are best when completely cooled and the next day in my opinion. Store in an airtight container for up to 1 week.

OMG! These are SO good!!!

Fruit Roll Ups

So, my very last pinterest fulfillment is the fruit roll ups.  The recipe calls for using a dehydrator (which I do not have one), but the comments on the blog some people say they use the oven and it works just as well, just use your oven at the lowest setting.  I am excited to see how it turns out!  I made strawberry and peach roll up.  So basically, I used 3 cups frozen fruit, thawed and 3 cups unsweetened apple sauce, a capful of caramel extract, and a few shakes of cinnamon.  I will let you know how it turns out.  Basically by baking it at the lowest possible temperature for who knows how long (I am thinking probably 2-3 hours), it dehydrates it just the same, but makes one big roll!

*Picture pending!!*

I think I am eventually going to make a post of nothing but pictures of my little crafts!!

Pickles

It has been a while since I blogged, well it feels like forever. Maybe just two to three weeks?  But I want to blog about something that is very near and dear to my heart: Pickles! A some what funny (to me any way) little story about pickles.

So every night I get up maybe 4 or 5 times due to the meds (from the surgery, remember me mentioning that in previous blogs?), usually about 2-3 hrs apart.  Last night at my 2am awakening, I felt like having a pickle.  I knew we didn't have any in the fridge as the keeper of the inventory of the fridge.  So I went to our little food pantry shelving area, and looked at the underside of the second to highest of the shelf (much easier to spot a pickle jars bottom than to try to see around everything, or get a chair only to be disappointed).  Much to my delight, I had foreseen my need for pickles and had a pretty decent jar of Mt. Olives Kosher Snacking Dill Pickles waiting to be enjoyed.

Okay, before I go any further, a little background history is in order so this tale could be just a bit funnier.  My surgery was on the left side of my back, going into my left lung.  It follows the curve of my shoulder blade and I joked that it appears that the doctors removed one of my wings.  As a result, my left back, oh probably 5 or 6, ribs were broken to access the lung.  If anyone has broken a rib, I think maybe they would sympathize starting now about this ordeal.  For those who haven't, it really isn't all that bad, until you try to take a deep breath, or cough, or laugh, or stretch, or twist, or reach, or sleep on your back, or sit on a couch or chair, or ride in a car when it feels like the person is throwing you into the car seat and slamming on the breaks (which Kris isn't, it just seems that his driving is exaggerated due to the injury), well I guess basically anything.  It feels like someone has beaten me within an inch of my life, just on my left side back AND front ribs with a 2x4.  Yes, that's accurate.  The pain meds help a lot, but because I am afraid of becoming addicted to the medicine, I limit myself to a pain pill only when I absolutely need it.  My goal isn't to be 100% pain free 100% of the time, my goal is 100% pain free for a while, then about 75% pain free for a little while longer, then 50% pain free for some more time, when I get down to 25% pain free, that's when it is time to take another pill.  By doing this, I stretch the amount of time I need to take a pill, the amount of time my body needs to cope between pills is slowly being increased, allowing for, gasp, you guessed it, some pain in my life, but eventually it will be manageable with maybe one dose (my goal is NONE) of over the counter pain meds.  And this does work.  Within two weeks, I think, of returning home from my last surgery, I was taking only Tylenol, and by time a month had come and gone I was only taking Tylenol in the morning ONLY if the pain hadn't subsided within the first hour of being awake and moving around.  Now this rib thing feels like a different story.  Like it is possible that it is going to take longer than two weeks to ween me off the meds and possibly longer than a month before I have few rough days surrounded by lots of good days.  Here it has been a week since I have been released from the hospital today and I have only managed to spread my meds out once every 4 hours, and starting tomorrow I will attempt every 5 hour for a few days, and if I reach 4.5 hrs and just can't take it, then that's cool, I will take a pill.  I guess on the other hand that isn't bad considering when I was released I was taking a pill every 2 hours.

So back to my pickle story.  I see the pickles and what does any person automatically do?  I reach up for them.  With my dominant hand.  Which happens to be my left hand.  A little zing of pain reminds me that I can't use my left arm for anything (might as well put the darn thing in a sling), so I drag the chair over with my right hand and pick up the jar of pickles with my right hand and help balance it with my left.  I put the chair back.  By now my mouth is salivating, dreaming of the salty goodness about to enter it.  I take off the joke of a plastic seal around the lid.  I attempt to use my left hand to unscrew the pickle jar.  Up until now, everything in my life has been predominantly left handed with few exceptions, such has, I learned to use a can opener twisting with my right hand (the intended way), and I drive using my right hand mostly on the wheel, and I use my right foot for the gas and brake petals, and I find it easier to kick a soccer ball with my right foot, but that's about it.  So I go to open this pickle jar and my back shrieks in protest from the exertion I just put on it.  Oh yea, I think to myself, can't use that arm.  So I twist with my right hand.  I wish I could say that was the end of my story, that the pickle jar opened and I was rewarded.  Nope, sorry, not going to happen.  So the lid does not budge at all using my right hand.  Really?!?! Am I this weak that I can't even open a stinking pickle jar?  Then this thought crosses my mind: "yes I am, because even when my left side is not injured, I have to, about 50% of the time, get Kris to open jars, bottle, etc".  So I remember some old wives tales on how to open a stubborn jar.  I tapped the jars lid on the counter around the edges, not exactly an easy feat considering I only have 50% of my strength, and it isn't my best strength. I try again.  I try with my left hand JUST in case tapping the lid loosened it just enough but my right hand sucks that much.  This goes on for like 5 minutes, using a butter knife to tap the lid, to tap the bottom, using one of those wine gripper tools, everything I can think of, all the while, alternating between left and right weak hand/arm strength.  Then I decide that maybe the problem isn't in the lid so much as the grip on the jar while trying to turn the lid.  So I sit on the floor, put the pickle jar between my bare feet, and try again.  And again.  And again.  At this point I am almost CRYING from frustration, with thoughts crossing my mind such as: if I break the pickles jar I can just pick out the pickles I want from the glass and get my pickles, and maybe I should go wake up Kris to open the jar, and maybe I don't need a stinking pickle after all!  I think I probably gave up three times, only to come back a minute later to try again.  In all, it took me 15 solid minutes of brute strength to open this pickle jar, and honestly, the reward wasn't that great.  Not since my back was hurting now, and I was already almost crying from frustration (sometimes those feelings are hard to rid even once you have succeeded at something).  I have since considered writing to Mt. Olives, thanking them for their superb ability to maintain sanitation and shelf life for their pickles, but maybe they could consider making a jar that is easy to POP for those less fortunate, less strong, possibly elderly (like my grandma who has rheumatoid arthritis so bad that her fingers are bend sideways and she has a hard time even picking up a cup without an handle).

So that's my pickle story.  It is kind of funny.  In a very pathetic way.  I guess you just had to be there to find it funny (I can laugh now, a day later about it, having told the story to Kris and mom and both of them getting a laugh out of it). Pickles.  Mmm, think I will go eat a few now that they are already opened...

I am

Kris and I just watched 50/50.  It is kind of a lude movie.  Lots of swearing. A few vague references to sex as well as an almost sex scene, and quite a bit of drug usage. But there is a part of that story that really, really, REALLY REALLY hits home.  How you feel when the doctor tells you you have cancer.  All the really big words they use.  How the doctors and nurses are usually a bit rude and kind of indifferent. How your friends and family take the news.  But the writers, producers, actors etc of this movie did a really good job portraying some of the dark humor in it. Some of the jokes I have used.  And most importantly, some of the views I have had when it comes to coming to terms with my mortality.

But I want to say something.  It is important.  I am more than a Carney's Triad Syndrome Cancer Patient. Here is what I am:

I am

I am a daughter to God

I am a sister in Christ

I am a wife

I am a mother

 I am a daughter

I am a sister

I am a cousin

I am a niece

I am a granddaughter

I am friend

I am a woman

I am left handed

I am 5'7"

I am often bull-headed

I am moody

I cry at commercials with animals

I change the channel when I see a St. Jude's Commercial

I am a house keeper

I am a personal chauffeur

I am a maid, cook, and financial advisor

I am a college graduate

I am a pet owner

I am an avid reader

I am a horrible speller on texts

I am a worrier

I am often too quick to judge

I am sometimes dominated by my sin

I am truly grateful for God's Grace

I am full of multiple scars

I am to have more scars in my life

I am often scared of leaving my family to carry on without me

I am 100% sure that I am going to Heaven when I die

I am probably not the best driver out there

I often leave my keys in the door

I may loose my head if it wasn't attached

I try to make jokes with strangers

I forgot to love my loved ones

I get in a tangent very easily over stupid things

I get angry

I hate being angry

Mostly, I am not cancer

It does not define me

I hate the word

It is the worse cuss word out there

I hate telling my new friends about it

I hate pity parties

I hate "bless your heart" and "you poor thing"

God knows me

He didn't give me anything HE knew I couldn't handle

My trust in God will result in one of two things:

I am alive longer to share my testimony & God's grace

Or I am allowed to go home to heaven.

On a very end side note, there is someone very important I want to say thank you to.  My husband.  In today's world where it is so easy to divorce someone due to disagreements and going different ways in life and  I can bet probably strong sicknesses and illnesses that people don't want to shatter their perfect little world with, I can honestly say that God has protected me in all aspects of my life by giving Kris to me as my husband.  We may have our differences, and we often disagree, and we sometimes argue, we go to bed angry, but never forget to say I love you, even if it is through our teeth, we always kiss goodbye and we do try to work out our differences. I think it is easier for me to be the "patient" than it would be if I was the spouse of the "patient" because I know where I am going when I die.  I get something exciting to look forward to.  But the possibility of living my life without my spouse seems very depressing.  And Kris sure has been quite a trooper.  If he has ever been scare, or worried, or afraid, or sad, he doesn't show it around me.  Some times it does annoy me because I wander if I mean that much to him than shouldn't he have these feelings.  But I thank God Kris is just like that, because often times I am emotionally frail, and if Kris was emotionally frail too, than I think we would be a big ole wallowing mess of "what-ifs" and we would never get out of bed.

My God is not dead

He's surly alive

Living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

I shout this song out when it comes on the radio and it often stays stuck in my head for DAYS afterwards.  Because My God is awesome.  He is ever present.  He is kind.  He is loving.  He is just.  He knows before I was conceived that on Feb 10, 2008 I would be told I have stomach tumors and have most of my stomach removed.  He knows that in the summer of 2004 Kris and I would meet by some crazy, couldn't replicate in 1000 years circumstances that he put into place long before either of us was even looking for a girl/boy friend.  He knew that on August 4, 2006, I would marry the man he intended for me, the man who would carry me when  I am weak.  The man who I could cry on and would just hold me.  The man that loves me enough to argue his point instead of conceding and growing bitter.  He knew that at 7:55pm on August 6, 2009, the most beautiful gift would be given to me. He know my heart, he is not dead, he is not dead HE IS NOT DEAD!!

God's teaching me even when I think I am at recess

I learned a few valuable lessons last night, while at the Rock and Worship Roadshow (2012).  First, let me give you a list of all the bands that were there:

Opening was Moriah Peters and The Rend Collective Experiment.  Moriah Peters is a 19 year old, first roadshow experience, gorgeous girl, I bet she is going to go far.  The Rend Collective Experiment made me laugh, not in a bad way.  They were an Irish band, embracing their leprechaun stigma.  They had this girl that played multi instruments, and was super joyful to play them: the xylophone, a metal trash can (yes I said she played a metal trash can), key board, and she switched with the drummer so he could come up and play this wooky looking instrument.  I honestly don’t know if it is a real instrument or just something they made up to have a unique sound.  They were pretty awesome, kind of like an Irish punk band.

Before I go any further, I have to blog about my experience up to the concert and walking in etc.  Kris and I decided to go about a month ago.  More like I said I really wanted to go and assumed he was going with me.  So we hired a babysitter to be at our house at 4:30 to midnight (pretty good little baby sitter charge there, but totally worth it!) and Kris ended up getting to take a class in Beeville for work instead of working in one of his many far off locations, so Kris was home by 4 pm and we were ready to rock and roll by time the babysitter got there.  The concert was in Corpus, and it was about an hour away from home, honestly, we’ve gotten used to having to drive an hour plus for anything significant.  By time we pulled up, it was almost 6, and you could just tell the lines were crazy.  So we decided to park and get in line instead of finding something to eat and coming back.  I was disappointed to find that we were going to have to pay for parking, and the sign said Parking: $5. I think in small letters, it said per person, which I feel is almost false advertising, because who can read those tiny letters that far away?  So $10 to park and $10 per person to get in.  We’ve spent more on a concert we didn’t really even enjoy! Okay, so this line, we start following it back from the door to get in the back of the line because we are just far too honest of people to cut in line, and we followed it all the way back for 10 minutes, no LIE! There must have been 1000 people in line a head of us. Once we got in, and found seats, Kris went to go get us some dinner, okay, so one cheese burger, three chicken tenders, probably what equivalates to a medium fry, and a large coke cost us almost $20.  They don’t get you at the $10 entry.  They get you at the food!

So before we found our seats, I got a glimpse of the artists booths.  The one specifically that caught my eye was LeCrae.  And I did the worse thing possible, I instantly judged him and his music.  I thought how could they have a rapper at a Christian event?  I guess my previous experience with rap in college taught me that all rappers talk about is sex, money, drugs, partying, murder, death, women, etc.  Those things are totally not Christian.  Well, let me restate that, the way they spoke of those things were not Christian.  And I am no saint.  I loved quite a bit of the rap music in college.  I loved the beat, I loved the culture associated with it, I loved how it invigorates you to go DO something, like go dancing, or I don’t know, something.  But since my Christian walk, I have been kind of nervous of some of my old ways, such as listening to rap, or listening to heavy metal, because the messages are not good ones.  As a matter of fact, I have even gotten away from listening to Country and Pop music, I may listen to it once in a while, but I grow tired quite quickly of the messages I am hearing, and ultimately, the messages Ethan is hearing, because he is in the car with me.  I would rather have him question me about God’s unfailing love, or what it means to be lifted up on wings like eagles, or something along that nature, not what a b**** is, or why that guy is going fishing even though his wife/girl friend doesn’t like it and he’s going to miss her, or something inappropriate like that. So I will be honest, I made a judgment, and I am 100% wrong.  I feel like that older, self righteous person at a stuffy church that won’t change because the majority of the congregation is older and is holding on to the old hymnal ways and think that popular music, rap music, punk music, anything that ISN’T 1800 or early 1900’s hymns, that it is devil music.  Oh how I feel like a Pharisee just now.

Now, before you go calling me names, or of being racist, or judge me, you must know, I did NOT make this judgment based on him being black.  I purely placed it on the MUSIC.  Because if Eminem was there, I would make the SAME EXACT JUDGMENT! It is the CULTURE of rap music, not the artist.  And to make this point even more, I feel the same way about many many heavy metal bands.  And can I say that Disciple was a heavy metal band?  And can I say that honestly that music isn’t for me? And when he first came running out, banging his head like he was a bobble head, screaming into the microphone, I felt the SAME exact way, speechless.  Because I judged.  I did not like it one bit.  But I also could not hear the words.  He was screaming them and I was unfamiliar with his songs or lyrics, so all I hear was yelling and screaming.  Had I seen the words on the big screen, and could read what his message was, I think I may have felt quite different. 

Which, back to LeCrae, he was absolutely brilliant.  In my opinion.  His message was pure.  He struggled with the STIGMA I PUT ON HIM.  He said some very very striking things to me.  He said that there isn’t such thing as bad music, but the problem is with the hearts of man!  Hello!?! Haven’t I heard that before?? Um YES! Randi Marie!! What is wrong with you!?  How many times do you have to hear and learn the same lesson before it actually sinks in?? THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CHRISTIAN MUSIC, JUST CHRISTIAN LYRICS. Now, if you just can’t stand the sound of blue grass because it tweets you, or you can’t stand heavy metal because its too harsh, or you can’t stand rap because it’s too loud, or you can’t stand pop because it’s too main stream, that IS 100% OKAY, because as a long as you are WORSHIPING the Lord from YOUR heart and not what others around you are doing or saying or seeing, what does it matter if it is the 1800 hymnals??? Not a darn thing!  LeCrae spoke to my soul because I had made such a quick, and very wrong, judgment about him.  He spoke of how the big rappers probably thought he was a dum dum because of his STRONG desire to not only PREACH Jesus, but live his LIFE according to Jesus, and he said something totally amazing.  He said, do not celebrate me, for I am not a celebrity (although by the crowds reaction, I would say he was pretty famous).  For the difference there is a difference between a celebrity and a hero.  A celebrity wants all the fame and glory for themselves, and wants people to worship them.  A hero directs you to the one who deserves the glory.  HOLY MOLY, HOLY SMOKES, AND HOLY COW! I want to be a HERO! Giving all GLORY to Jesus and to God, who deserves it fully.

The other bands that were there was Hawk Nelson, which I absolutely loved, they were very punkish.  That is the music from my high school days that really SPOKE to me. I need to say something here.  I also could barely understand a single word they said, mostly because their band was louder than the singer, and he has kind of a higher pitched voice that words slew together, but I really liked the beat, the sound, of the band.  So there you have it.  My preference is NOT heavy metal, it is more punk, more rap (gasp, I said it!), and a lot of popular!

There was Tenth Avenue North, which has gotten widely popular.  Listen to a few of their songs, if you have been listening to Christian radio long enough, you will recognize almost all their songs.  They are very good live.  We bought three CD’s.  Very good!

There was Sidewalk Prophets, which has also become popular.  I absolutely loved them, because the lead singer is the heavier, normal looking guy.  What I mean is he isn’t totally hot.  And I think that is totally awesome.  Because I get burned out on all these “hot” singers and artists coming into fame mostly because of their beauty.  Now, I am not saying they don’t have talent, it just seems that the less “hot” you are according to society, the harder you have to work to prove you are totally awesome.  And I loved that about their band! 

And of course, MercyMe.  I looked them up on our way to Corpus just to see when their song “I Can Only Imagine” came out, because I was thinking mid 90’s for some reason.  Well, they have been together since ’94 (holy cow, almost 20 years!!), but that song didn’t release until 2001.  But MercyMe is an awesome group.  With awesome, Kingdom goals.  And I am proud of them for not selling out.  Because they could have made way more money, become way more famous, and lived a much more fabulous life, if they had.  They STILL sell every one of their CD’s for $5.  Seriously.  For $5.  They had an exception this time, because their record company really pushed them to sell it for $15 (their newest release coming in May) but they changed it up that you would get TWO CD’s.

So Kris and I left the concert with a total of 9 CD’s. We spent so much money last night.  But I am so completely excited to have NEW CD’s for my car!  I have been listening to the same mixed CD for almost a year, and am, frankly, getting a little tired of it.  So I just finished ripping all the CD’s and am about the make me a couple mixed CD’s for the road!!

So there it is, I put my heart out there.  Actually, I put a very embarrassing thing I did out there.  And honestly, I feel really bad about it, and I am very nervous about posting this blog because I fear some stigma from peoples of my past who will be quick to judge me and call me names.  But I am not blogging for them, I am blogging for me, and for my sound mind, because I have come to realize of the years that I get stuff OUT of my head by WRITING IT DOWN (or typing, because I type like 100 times faster than I write any more).