I am

Kris and I just watched 50/50.  It is kind of a lude movie.  Lots of swearing. A few vague references to sex as well as an almost sex scene, and quite a bit of drug usage. But there is a part of that story that really, really, REALLY REALLY hits home.  How you feel when the doctor tells you you have cancer.  All the really big words they use.  How the doctors and nurses are usually a bit rude and kind of indifferent. How your friends and family take the news.  But the writers, producers, actors etc of this movie did a really good job portraying some of the dark humor in it. Some of the jokes I have used.  And most importantly, some of the views I have had when it comes to coming to terms with my mortality.

But I want to say something.  It is important.  I am more than a Carney's Triad Syndrome Cancer Patient. Here is what I am:

I am

I am a daughter to God

I am a sister in Christ

I am a wife

I am a mother

 I am a daughter

I am a sister

I am a cousin

I am a niece

I am a granddaughter

I am friend

I am a woman

I am left handed

I am 5'7"

I am often bull-headed

I am moody

I cry at commercials with animals

I change the channel when I see a St. Jude's Commercial

I am a house keeper

I am a personal chauffeur

I am a maid, cook, and financial advisor

I am a college graduate

I am a pet owner

I am an avid reader

I am a horrible speller on texts

I am a worrier

I am often too quick to judge

I am sometimes dominated by my sin

I am truly grateful for God's Grace

I am full of multiple scars

I am to have more scars in my life

I am often scared of leaving my family to carry on without me

I am 100% sure that I am going to Heaven when I die

I am probably not the best driver out there

I often leave my keys in the door

I may loose my head if it wasn't attached

I try to make jokes with strangers

I forgot to love my loved ones

I get in a tangent very easily over stupid things

I get angry

I hate being angry

Mostly, I am not cancer

It does not define me

I hate the word

It is the worse cuss word out there

I hate telling my new friends about it

I hate pity parties

I hate "bless your heart" and "you poor thing"

God knows me

He didn't give me anything HE knew I couldn't handle

My trust in God will result in one of two things:

I am alive longer to share my testimony & God's grace

Or I am allowed to go home to heaven.

On a very end side note, there is someone very important I want to say thank you to.  My husband.  In today's world where it is so easy to divorce someone due to disagreements and going different ways in life and  I can bet probably strong sicknesses and illnesses that people don't want to shatter their perfect little world with, I can honestly say that God has protected me in all aspects of my life by giving Kris to me as my husband.  We may have our differences, and we often disagree, and we sometimes argue, we go to bed angry, but never forget to say I love you, even if it is through our teeth, we always kiss goodbye and we do try to work out our differences. I think it is easier for me to be the "patient" than it would be if I was the spouse of the "patient" because I know where I am going when I die.  I get something exciting to look forward to.  But the possibility of living my life without my spouse seems very depressing.  And Kris sure has been quite a trooper.  If he has ever been scare, or worried, or afraid, or sad, he doesn't show it around me.  Some times it does annoy me because I wander if I mean that much to him than shouldn't he have these feelings.  But I thank God Kris is just like that, because often times I am emotionally frail, and if Kris was emotionally frail too, than I think we would be a big ole wallowing mess of "what-ifs" and we would never get out of bed.

My God is not dead

He's surly alive

Living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

I shout this song out when it comes on the radio and it often stays stuck in my head for DAYS afterwards.  Because My God is awesome.  He is ever present.  He is kind.  He is loving.  He is just.  He knows before I was conceived that on Feb 10, 2008 I would be told I have stomach tumors and have most of my stomach removed.  He knows that in the summer of 2004 Kris and I would meet by some crazy, couldn't replicate in 1000 years circumstances that he put into place long before either of us was even looking for a girl/boy friend.  He knew that on August 4, 2006, I would marry the man he intended for me, the man who would carry me when  I am weak.  The man who I could cry on and would just hold me.  The man that loves me enough to argue his point instead of conceding and growing bitter.  He knew that at 7:55pm on August 6, 2009, the most beautiful gift would be given to me. He know my heart, he is not dead, he is not dead HE IS NOT DEAD!!