Remember

Do you remember where you were when you heard/saw the news of the towers crashing down?  I don't think I will ever forget.  I was in 11th grade, and I had just walked into my next class (if I remember correctly it was SAT Prep).  All the TV's were on (rare) and it took me until the second tower was hit to understand that this was reality.  Never in my life had I experienced anything so very evil, and it took me a while to understand that this wasn't some history show or something along those lines (although now it I can see it as history in the making).  About 6 months ago, Kris and I were watching a 9/11 special on TV, and as an adult, the horror of what really happened that day is so much worse than it was as a teenager.  I often have tried not to expose myself to those specials.  I am far to vulnerable to watch the pain, sorrow, terror, and evil over and over.  It just eats me up.  But I cannot forget.  We must never forget.  We must not forget that the evil one has plans to lie, steal, and destroy.  But mostly, we must not forget that Jesus came and died for us so that we may go to heaven and that he HAS ALREADY WON! And the devil doesn't stand a chance! Jesus will conquer him!  He already has! Today may be our last day on this side of heaven (as it was for too many people in the towers and surrounding areas, and many more from the affects of the tower dust...), don't waste it!  Tell your loved ones you love them, treat every person you meet with kindness, compassion, and understanding.  You do not know the walk God has put them on.  A true Christian is not judged by their words (Here I am, I am a Christian, I am good, watch me work), but solely on their actions of love, acceptance, forgiveness, and gentleness.  How often we forget these things when we allow the devil to whisper in our ears and to take our focus off of Jesus. Never forget friends. Never.

John 14:6 (NIV)

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me..."

Matthew 12:28-31 (Message)

The Most Important Commandment

²⁸ One of the religion scholars came up. Hearing the lively exchanges of question and answer and seeing how sharp Jesus was in his answers, he put in his question: “Which is most important of all the commandments?”

^29-31 Jesus said, “The first in importance is, ‘Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.

Dear Ethan

Dear Ethan M. Mann,

We, Mommy & Daddy, currently hereforth referred to as "the company", are writing you this letter in review of your current work status as child.

The company thus far has been pleased with your performance. The company would like you to work on the following things before your next review:

1) Pick up your toys when you are done playing with them
2) Ask for something you want instead of demanding it
3) If you are angry, please go to your room until your anger is in control
4) Help the company with everything they ask without arguement.

The company understands that these items above may be difficult at your current training.  Therefore, the company will continue training you as long as needed to acheive these items as well as add additional duties according to your skill level.  Please keep in mind the companies goal is to make you successful, thereby making the company successful.

These things are manditory to learn, as you are being promoted to big brother come the end of April.  Until then, you will continue working for the company at your current rank, gaining the skills necessary to move forward in your new job.  Some futures duties may include, but may not be limited to are:

1) Bringing the company a diaper, wipes, rash cream, etc
2) Holding your new sibling, kissing, and posing for pictures
3) Teaching your sibling the things you have already learned
4) Protecting your sibling from anything dangerous

We, the company, have 100% faith that you can complete these tasks.  Please sign below if you understand the terms of your conditions.

Sincerely,

The Company

Conviction laid upon my heart

I have been struggling with something big.  And I don't really want to post what it is, because partially, I am ashamed of the struggle (although the struggle is of the devil, not of God, he asks that we give our burdens to him and he will carry our cross), and partially because it is awfully personal.  But that's not why I am blogging today.  I am blogging because during my women's daily devotional bible study today, I felt convicted. God is speaking to me.  And can say I say that, oh me oh my, does it ever hurt me to know that I am being reprimanded, but I know it is for my own good.  Like we discipline our children, not because we love to hurt them or hurt their feelings, or be a giant nag (altho that's how I feel some day ha!), but because we want them to learn respect, safety, social skills, politeness, responsibility, etc.  And God wants the same for us.

So this bible devotional focuses on Psalm 51:1-19.  In short, it is the Psalm where King David is convicted of his wrong doing actions in killing Uriah so that he could "justify" having Uriah's wife as his own (mind you, he had already taken Uriah's wife, and she was with child.  So he tried to get Uriah to "lay" with his wife so he could hide the pregnancy.  Uriah was a noble man and would not sleep in comfort when he men were on the front lines.  Nothing David did could convince Uriah to visit his wife, so he decided that he should just have him conveniently killed in battle.)  Nathan, being a vessel for God, calls him out on his sin, because adultery is adultery, even if you change the name of it to "sharing" or make excuses such as "well her husband died, so our relationship is appropriate now".  This study focuses on what excuses do we make for our sin, and what have we called our sin to "dress" it up and feel better?  Here's the examples they gave: "It isn't gossip, it is sharing", "it isn't coveting, it is admiring", "it isn't lying, it's explaining".

The study goes on to say that God doesn't forgive excuses or renaming our sins, he forgives our SINS.  Which brings me to the main reason I am blogging today.  A while back, I am not sure when, maybe some time in college, I decided that when I made a mistake that I wouldn't muddy up my apology by excuses, so called "justifications", or unnecessary explanations. I would woman up and accept my mistakes.  Nothing annoyed me more than someone saying, "I am so sorry but this is what happened".  Regardless of what happened, we are still responsible for our responses, our actions, our words.  Just because someone wronged you does not give you an excuse to wrong them in return.  Just because you have had a bad day does not allow for you to be ugly to others.  Just because... dare I say it... just because someone close to you has died or possibly moved on in life... does not give you permission to be a terrible person.  And I have lost both kinds of people.  And yes, it is awfully difficult to avoid becoming bitter in the circumstances, but bitterness is like poison to the soul.  It will eat you alive.  Until there is nothing of your former self left except decay, disgust, and blackness.  And then you will wander why people don't want relationships with you, and you don't have friends, and you are so unhappy.  But it is NEVER too late to turn around.  Even if you are already full of decay and disgust.  Our Jesus died so that he could wash us white as snow.  How awesome is that???????  Back to my decision I made a while back.  Often, I am reminded of this promise I made to myself, I am sure by God, because I think the action of apologizing without excuses is probably acceptable in God's eyes.  And I must do this for him also.  I must come to God, humble, ashamed of my sin, ready to hand it over and ask for forgiveness, and not try to justify my actions, because God cannot hear the justifications, just the sins.

Ugh.  This is just a difficult principle to administer. I just thank God that he still is interested in me to keep correcting me, because if it ever comes to the point when I don't feel God's corrections than I know that his favor has been lifted from me, and that will be a hard hard day!  So, what excuses or renaming have you been doing in your life to justify your sin?  Ask for forgiveness from the sin, and nothing else, and work on changing your path to avoid those sins.

Thank you God, for this day.  For the light to see the sky, for the warmth on my skin, for the ability to pay our bills, even if not much is left over, for the health of my family, for my husbands job, for my awesome church family who always takes care of each other.  Thank you God for a working vehicle, for gas money, for nice cloths to wear and things we don't need but certainly do love.  Thank you God for my extended family, including those who I have adopted as family.  Most of all, thank you God for your son Jesus, that you should send him to us to die for our sins. I can never thank you enough. Amen

Father's Day

As Father's Day creeps up, I am thinking of Kris.  Of what to get him that he wants.  Because I wish Ethan was old enough to either make something for his daddy or pick it out from his heart.  So right now I am playing "Father's Day Santa", so to speak.

I don't want to say too much, just because I have an idea, and honestly I do not know if Kris reads my blogs.  He pretends not to be interested in them, but I would be willing to bet he reads them  ;)

So then I start thinking of my daddy.  How do I tell him how much I love him and am just so HONORED to have him as a father.  He has been such an awesome father, and often I wish I was as laid back and calm as him when it comes to parenting, instead I tend to lean more towards moms parenting tactics (which aren't all bad, just a touch more high strung, sorry mama, just being honest here).  I miss hanging out with Dad.  He really cracks me up, and yet, I can have a really smart person conversation with him, for about 20 minutes, then its all jokes.  Maybe he uses it as a coping technique, as in to not take life so seriously.  Good for him for figuring it out.  In the mean time, I struggle with yelling at Ethan and all my buttons being pushed.  Some days.  Other days, he wakes up, and cuddles and laughs and plays and is JUST so sweet, and that's the little boy I miss on the crabby, cranky, melt down days.  I want to put the pictures of what "Papa" is getting for from Ethan for Fathers day, but I don't want to spoil it, because what if daddy is reading this as we speak??

Well, Ethan and I are gonna go eat.  Kris is sick, sleeping on the couch.  Resting up his voice for tomorrow.  He's singing with the band all three services tomorrow.  I need to remember to bring the camera, because I am super stoked to see him up there!!  We are having, uh, what would you call this?  Everything soup?  It started out as beef and veggie.  Then I added rice, left over potatoes and corn from the fridge.  And now it smells wonderful and I am stoked to eat it.  Just wish it was 100 deg outside while we eat soup.  Oh well, at least it is a hot meal.

Prayer on my heart

Dear God,

I ask you to please hear the prayer on my heart.  I do not specifically want to name this prayer, because I know the devil does not know everything like you do, only what is written, spoken, or acted out. So this prayer is between me and you God.  And I cry it out in severe desperation because my heart is hurting so bad.  And I know you are the redeemer and the great healer, so I trust in you to help me with my hearts desire.

I pray you watch over me the next few weeks and help me fight the devil and his minions, as they sure are attacking me, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.  I pray for discernment in your word in my life, and serenity to accept the things you want for me, especially when I don't feel like doing it, and mostly, I just long to feel your loving embrace surround me and protect me and my hearts desires.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

Just a quick prayer

Hey all,

Just need a quick prayer. I feel like there's so much "busy" work I need to do tomorrow and I wander if some of it is just a distraction from what God wants from me tomorrow.  I literally have my whole day planned out from 8:30 all the way to bed.  I look at the schedule, knowing I need to cut some stuff out so I can have some down time, and I can actually have time with God, but it all seems so important. So how about I tell you what I have written down, and you tell me what can wait until tomorrow (or the next day), or maybe as I am typing them out I will see how ridiculous the task really is:

drop Ethan off at Mothers Morning Out, on my way home, stop at storage and pay storage rent, go into our storage unit and get out stickers for tomorrow, stop by front office of apartments and pay rent, inquire about any rent increases I should be expecting come June 1st (for those who don't know this, your landlord is required to give you written notice of any price increases (according to state of Texas I should probably clarify) as many days as you are required to give a written notice to vacate, so if you have to give a 30 day notice to vacate (move out), then they have to give you at least 30 day notice of your rates increasing after your lease end date), dishes, call vet about booboo (another story entirely), shower (yes, I won't have showered right away, maybe I will move this up to 7am soon as Kris leaves, that's kind of up in the air), hair cut, go to the church to help with quicken reports, to the library to print of Mommy & Me study stuff, home for lunch, balance check book, menu planning, grocery list based off that, return clothing to Steeles, pick up mail, pick up my precious cargo (aka Ethan), go the the park if he seems to need to burn more energy, home to prepare dinner, dinner, small group, skip Ethan bath time and story time due to coming home about 1.5 hrs after his bed time, mommy crashes out from day burn out.

And to top it off, I already have a list of three things I would like to do come Thursday during Ethan's other mother morning out, including going to a moms group without Ethan, but because a midwife is going to be coming to speak and I am interested in what she has to say, laundry, update my May calendar on my dry erase board and my bill paying calendar, and anything else that didn't get accomplished Tuesday or Wednesday. Ugh.  Now it is 11 pm, and I really need to lay down to get some sleep, but I know I need to hand over my busy schedule to God, because I know he can handle everything for me, otherwise I won't be able to sleep tonight and it will take all my energy to do anything tomorrow.  I also want to get up a little earlier than Kris and Ethan so I can have some one on one time with God and prepare my heart for the day. How much time do I start off with though?  I don't want to short change God, but I am already doing that by barely waking up in time to throw together a not so great lunch and breakfast for Kris and Ethan waking up 10 minutes after I wake up and I just don't do well with demands the first 1/2 hr I am awake.  So maybe I need about 45 minutes.  1/2 an hour with God, and 15 minutes to start preparing for the day for Kris and Ethan.  Maybe than I will great them with a cheery face, smiling, wishing them good morning in a sing song voice, hugging and kissing them, wishing Kris off to a good day like I mean it, not like, bye, see ya later, hope today is fruitful for you because it already sucks for me, sort of attitude.  How many times do I have to pray this same exact prayer to love my husband so completely that he has no choice but to love me back?  How many times until it actually happens?  Honestly, it has been drilled more and more into my head that it starts with loving and spending time alone with God.  Where else am I to get the strength to make it through my day if he doesn't provide it for me first?  Because I am human, and I am a failure at being human honestly, and I will continue to disappoint, but my God won't.  So yea, enough babbling.  time to get my behind to bed so 5:45 doesn't come so early.  Goodnight ya'll.  And extra prayers would def be appreciated!!

I will persevere!!!

Merriam-Webster defines perseverance as:

: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness (directly copied from the website)

So my opposition this morning is the DEVIL.  He has been attacking me since last night!  I have been doing some work in preparation for this mommy & me meeting today, meeting with Pastor and having a good long talk about things in general, including where we would like to see this group go, doing research on topics we could discuss in the future, ideas for outings we could do, etc.  It has been actually quite interesting to do these things.  Not like work at all.  Just something that is satisfying a thirst for knowledge/organization inside of me.

While I was doing my research on topics, something I read said that Proverbs has a wealth of biblical parenting advice.  So I decided to start reading Proverbs.  Well, I got stuck on Proverbs 1:7, which reads:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,

but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

This struck me as interesting because the first 6 versus of Proverbs 1 are instructions on who is to use Proverbs, and how to use them.  Then before they go into all the Godly wisdom and advice, Solomon (who has been said to be one of the wisest kings/men/people of God to ever live) said that in order to know ANYTHING, you must first start with fearing the Lord.  So I went online to read what others had to say about Proverbs 1.  And it is interesting some things I found.  There is a page that I really got some good info from:

http://www.vtaide.com/Proverbs/index.html

I will be spending some time summing up what was said on that page, as well as what I find interesting and where I feel emphasis is necessary in MY life.

What does that mean to me exactly?  That to gain wisdom, knowledge, SMARTS, that it all starts with a good, healthy fear of the Lord!!  But.... what does it mean exactly to fear the Lord?  Does that mean we are to be afraid to approach him because he is that scary?  Does it mean that we don't ever provoke him?  Well, yes, we should never provoke God.  But that statement DOES NOT mean we should fear approaching God.  Quite the opposite!  The page I was reading from said that fear of the Lord meant two things: to run away from sin and pursue righteousness.  In other words, we should fear the punishment of sin from God so much that we turn away, RUN away, and pursue righteousness.  God is SO HOLY that he cannot even be around sin, and if we are born with sin, than that goes to say that he can't be around us, but alas! There is hope!  Jesus died for our sins so that we may be forgiven and we CAN be around God.  But we are to struggle every day with our current sins, and we are to turn away, ask for forgiveness, and pursue what is right, Godly, and just.  That being said, we should NEVER BE AFRAID OF APPROACHING GOD, JUST OF OUR UNFORGIVEN SINS THAT HE WILL PUNISH US FOR!!!

In verse 29 and 31, Solomon goes on to say in response to rejecting wisdom (as in from God): (parenthesis are my comments, not part of the verse)

Since they hated knowledge (which we know now comes from the fear of Lord) and did not choose to fear the Lord... they will eat the fruit of their ways (reaping what you sow much??)

Proverbs 2 begins to describe the benefits of heeding wisdom, he says that if you search out wisdom with your heart and open ears (mind/heart/soul), accept the wisdom, ask for insight and understanding and search it (insight/understanding) out as you would precious stones and valuable metals (specifically he says silver and treasure, vs 4)... [all this is my summary of 2:1-4], then vs 5 says:

then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD (emphasis is mine alone)

I mean, wow.  In order to gain the wisdom of GOD, not just plain ole, boring, HUMANLY wisdom, but HIS perfect, awesome, powerful wisdom, then it starts with "fearing the Lord".  Which brings us full circle that in order to get this wisdom, we must TURN away from sin and REPENT! We must approach God humbly, with reverence, asking for forgiveness NOW, TODAY, which we know is only offtered through the sacrifice of our Jesus, who died for us.  

So last night I was so struck in awe about this revelation, I mean, I knew it anyway, but to hear it again, God must have been speaking to me.  I humbly came to him, asking him for all the things I have done, and the things I cannot remember doing but he still finds pungent in his perfectness.  And the devil started attacking me!  My throat started hurting so bad and I couldn't actually swallow.  I mean, it was pretty bad.  I didn't think anything of it really because my throat has been scratchy for days, (looking back now, I think the devil has really been attacking me for my decision to be the spokesperson for mommy & me).  I posted just a summary of what I was feeling on FB and I went to bed.  I slept AWESOME!! Although I woke up with a headache, sore throat, and stuffy nose.  The devil was still attacking me.  He only had a few short hours to convince me I was sick and couldn't go to Mommy & Me and share my revelations and my love for Christ and my heart for getting this group up and running and growing.  Myself and two other mothers (as well as any other ones that decide to come today) have a huge heart for the success for this group, and together, with Jesus by our side, we WILL accomplish great things!  But the devil does not like this!  He wants to ruin my testimony.  He wants to break my fellowship with God.  He has had enough of this Jesus stuff!  BUT I WON'T ALLOW IT! I asked a very good friend to say a prayer for me that I was being attacked by the devil, and she is SUCH a prayer warrior, that I knew she would drop everything to pray a very powerful prayer over me, and together, we both prayed.  Instantly my headache is gone, my throat feels normal, and I can breath again.  Really devil, is that all you got for me?? BRING IT, I got Jesus by my side and you will NOT succeed in bringing me down!!!!

Then I looked on FB for my comment, and I just LOVE what someone posted about my status

Randi, I do not profess to be a Bible Scholar by any means, but I do study God's word. God cannot begin to teach us what we need to know until we learn to fear Him with reverence and respect. When we display this healthy type of fear then we become teachable. Fools depend on their own knowledge and do not want to or think that they need to listen to anyone else, much less God. That is why they are fools. American Heritage Dictionary defines a fool as one lacking judgement or sense.

Wow!  I LOVE that.  So a fool is someone who flat out rejects the opportunity or the teachings or really anything that is besides themselves, and most of all, the smartest being in the universe, God.  Stupid fools.  I mean, literally, Stupid.  Idiots. Fools.  What is wrong with them?? Why would you turn away from something that could give you such an advantage in this life and in the next??  I just am so baffled by it.

Going back to my prayer warrior friend.  At the beginning of the year, she sent me a BEAUTIFUL purple leather Christian daily calendar.  I have been using the HECK out of it since she sent it to me, for meal planning, and for whatever else I wanted to make sure I needed to remember (if you come into our apartment, and look around, you'll see that I have that calendar, a dry erase board I have turned into a calendar, one on my fridge, I use one to pay bills, and I use my phone calendar, I really use a lot of calendars because I hate forgetting things!!).  Every day has a scripture down at the bottom.  So this is HOW awesome God is.  He KNEW when the creators of this calendar were picking out verses that on April 25th, Randi Marie Mann would need to hear Proverbs 16:3.  He encouraged my friend to buy the calender.  He encouraged me to use it.  He encouraged me to leave it open last night on tomorrows (which is now today) page.  He encouraged my friend to read hers first (she got one for herself too).  Then to call my attention to it.  Wow, how amazing in my GOD!!!

Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.  (Proverbs 16:3)

That is SO powerful to me, that I have literally written it (including typed just now) 10 times.  I know it by heart, and I want to remember this one forever, so for the next few days, I will repeat this scripture in my heart over and over and over, believing my LORD, GOD, JESUS, is above all things and will MAKE OUR MOMS GROUP SUCCEED.  TAKE THAT DEVIL!!! BOO YA!!