Resurrection Eggs

Lately, as in the past 9 days, Kris and I have doing these "resurrection eggs" with Ethan.  The idea came from my friend Sarah who found it online (Cullinsabcs.com).  It is magnificent!  As a Christian, I am so moved by this ultimate sacrifice that God and Jesus made so that I may find my way to heaven through my Jesus. However, as a parent, there is more to the feeling than just being "moved".  I am brought to tears, and literally choked up, when I think how my heavenly Father sacrificed his ONLY son to be KILLED for OTHERS SINS! I mean, to be 100% honest, I cannot fathom giving my son up to die for you.  Just being honest here.  I love my son far too much to ever let him die for someone else.  When he is an adult, and if he decides to join the armed forces, or join a missionary that has a large element of danger to it, than that is his decision, one I probably will still struggle with, but this was NOT Jesus' desire! He says in Mark 14:34 "'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them.  'Stay here and keep watch'".  Jesus was going to pray in the garden of Gethsemane, knowing very well that the next day he would be BETRAYED a more brutal betrayal than you or I have ever, and will likely never experience in our meager existences.  That the people he was JUST preaching to the day before would be pulled into the mob mentality and demand his death!  How they would ridicule him, and beat him, spit on him, shove a crown of thorns on his head, gamble for his clothing, laugh at his pain and suffering, all the inhumane things they did to MY Jesus!  Jesus prays for a while, then falls the the ground, BEGGING God to please let this hour pass, that God would ..."take this cup from me."  But my Jesus knew it was so much bigger than him.  He goes on to say "Yet not what I will, but what you will." (Mark 14:36). So I am literally brought to tears, how much GOD loves ME, an ugly sinner with anger management issues who idolizes finances a bit too much, who would rather play on Facebook or crochet than open my bible and READ his good word and soak it up, who is SO quick to judge others, and I am moved to tears.  Why would ANYONE allow their LOVED child to DIE for someone so UGLY?? Because I certainly wouldn't.  Period.  God must love us more than I can ever fathom.

So going back to the resurrection eggs, I really like how these eggs focus our story time at bed.  Ethan looks forward to opening his egg to see what lies inside.  Tonight, he actually shook it first to see if he could hear anything in it before he opened it.  And my heart caught for just a moment when I saw my child, whom I birthed and was so completely dependent on me for LIFE, becoming the man he will be one day. I bought this book from Mardel's called "Jesus is Risen" by Scandinavia.  Okay, this is a much older than my 2.5 year old's comprehension can handle, so we just focus on the story that matches our egg for the day.  And it has been a good pair up.  Do you know how hard it is to tell a 2.5 year old that people were mean to Jesus to the point that they KILLED him, and he DIED? And that they, very viciously, shoved a crown of thorns on his head (we told Ethan it hurt really bad and caused a lot of booboos and owies, and made him bleed, and it made Jesus sad, and the people were not being nice, they were being mean to Jesus and the crown was sharp.  I think we repeated that about 4 times.  It apparently stuck because the next day when we were summing up all the previous days and I got to the crown of thrones, he said "sharp!").  He IS NOT TOO YOUNG TO HEAR THIS.  He must know this.  If the only thing I can say I did when I go to meet my Jesus and God was to teach my son CORRECTLY Jesus' sacrifice for our sins and salvation, and I tried through my brokenness to show him the way, than that is enough for me.  But it isn't enough.  I am also given the task to show the light to you.  And him.  And her.  And how scary is that?  What if you make fun of me?  Or reject me?  That's when I have to remember, you aren't making fun of me or rejecting me; you are rejecting YOUR only way to heaven.  And only YOU and GOD can know what is in YOUR heart for repentance to Jesus.  I don't care if you donate all your money to my church, or attend every single function, and truly love people, and serve until your very last minute.  If YOU do not accept Jesus as your LORD and SAVIOR, than you aren't going to heaven.  The End.

So here are our resurrection eggs:

Day 1: Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey (picture of a donkey is in his egg)
Day 2: Judas betrayed Jesus for money.  Judas was SUPPOSE to be Jesus' friend (a few nickles are in his egg)
Day 3: They broke bread and gave God thanks (a piece of bread is in his egg)
Day 4: Jesus prays for his followers (a picture of praying hands are in his egg)

Day 6: They place a crown of thorns on Jesus head (a picture of a crown of thorns is in his egg)
Day 7: They make a man completely unrelated, just passing by, to carry Jesus cross for him since he is too weak to carry it himself (a pendant from one of my necklaces, a cross, is in his egg)
Day 8: They nail Jesus to the cross, it hurt very bad.  They were very mean to Jesus, this is very sad (three nails are in his egg)
Day 9: Jesus is thirsty and someone dips a sponge in wine vinegar (soured wine basically), this is not a nice gesture (a piece of a kitchen sponge is in his egg)
Day 10: Jesus died.  They wrap him in linen and put his body in a tomb. (a piece of linen, or I put gauze which has a very Jesus' day feel to me, is in his egg)
Day 11: They rolled a giant rock over the tomb they laid Jesus in and put Roman guards outside to protect people from stealing, vandalizing, or doing anything else, Jesus body (a stone is in his egg).
Day 12: Jesus rose!  He fulfilled the scriptures! (his egg is empty!!)

A little funny story.  The day we got to the cross, I had originally had a toothpick hot glued cross in the egg.  Or so I thought.  We almost did day 12 early!  Haha, the cross fell out sometime while I was placing each item in its egg.  So I ran to my necklaces, and found a small cross, which fittingly has little red stones in it.

So as tomorrow day starts, I really want everyone to consider what took place this day over 2,000 years ago.  Even if you are not a Christian currently, so much HISTORY is tied to this EVENT.  I CHALLENGE you to compare the historical facts compared to the Bible's facts and then DENY it.  And remember, it isn't me you are denying.  It is where you will spend eternity once you die or Jesus comes to call us all home, whichever comes first.  I honestly would love to see you in heaven.  But there's only one way to heaven.  And two thousand years ago, God made that way possible.

As a side note, there is a book I read last Easter called "The Case for Easter" by Lee Strobel.  It is an excellent, easy ready if you want more proof that Jesus was beaten, crucified, DIED, buried, and rose again.  There is so much that goes into this book, that after reading it, I set it down, and all I could say was: WOW. If that doesn't make me a believer, I don't know what will.  However, friends, you must know that God has blessed me with the ability to take on anything with Faith.  That I have a very strong, unshakable faith in me.  The reason this is rare is because we are curious creatures, destined to doubt and not believe what we cannot concretely see and touch.  So God blesses his people differently (called Spiritual Gifts), such as discernment, faith, hospitality, the list goes on (like 27 of them are recognized).  He has blessed me with Faith.  I  easily accept the bible and DO NOT doubt it. Why? I do not know, I believe it to be 100% true because God said it was, and that is good enough for me.  Not everyone is like that.  So for the doubters out there, this book is a GREAT read to help answer some of the nagging questions such as did Jesus really die that day when ordinarily it took 3+ days for someone to die on the cross?  And how do we know that someone didn't just STEAL Jesus body from the tomb in order to make it LOOK like the scriptures were being fulfilled (yes the book literally, and historically, answers these questions so well, that if you are history or science geek, the evidence will speak to you). And it is less than 100 pages.

Quotes, Scriptures, & the way to heaven

Just something I am passing on to a family member, thought I would share it with my three followers :)

Some quotes I love:

Remember when the Lord is silent in our trials that the teacher is always quiet during tests.

Don’t tell God how big the storm is, tell the storm how big God is.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference (this has been my favorite prayer since high school).

Some verses I find encouraging:

Psalm 57

Psalm 1:1-6

Psalm 4:4

Psalm 55:22

Psalm 27:1

Ephesians 4:31-32

Luke 17:4

Isaiah 41:10

Deuteronomy 31:6

Matthew 11:28-30

Phillippians 4:13

John 16:33

2 Timothy 1:7

I love you and I hope these help!! 

One more thing I find important to stress, that we can only truly go to heaven and be saved if we have confessed that Jesus is our Lord and Savior and that he died for our sins.  I feel that this confession must be made out loud, using your mouth in witness to at least one other person.  There are many people who believe that Jesus is the savior, and truly worship him as one, but have never confessed it with their mouths; unfortunately they will not be saved and will not make it to heaven.  Personally, growing up, I don’t remember EVER confessing that Jesus died for MY sins and that God raised him from the dead.  I remember saying a bunch of “prayers” that everyone says at the same exact time that you know by heart and I rarely think about the words when I say them.  That won’t get us into heaven.  Rituals and prayers that are centuries old that we don’t say with our HEARTS, but we say out of tradition, will not win us favor in God’s eyes, for his grace, his gift of Christ, is just that, it is a gift.  We cannot earn the gift, ever, no matter how many Hail Mary’s we say or how “good of a person” we think we are. 

Romans 10:9

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (NIV ß New International Version)

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (NLT ß New Living Translation)

Notice, these verses do not say: be a good person, do good things, be fair and kind hearted, and you will be saved. 

Romans 10:10 goes on to say:

For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

In John 14:6 Jesus said he is the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through him.  That means that no one can have a relationship with GOD if they do not first believe in Jesus, and we cannot go to heaven except by being saved.

Okay, so enough preaching.  If you want to know more about this, I am always open to talk about it.  This is a hard subject for me to broach, because we all get a little bristly when we talk about religion and faith, and I just want to see you in heaven when I die!  I love you and I want you to experience the awesome love of God that Kris and I have experienced, even in all our trials.

My recent creations

Lately, I have been doing a few things that I saw on pinterest.  Well, actually, quite a few.  I mean, quite often I post stuff off pinterest, and just don't do anything with it.  Especially the recipes and crafts.  But, like I said, lately I have been, well, let's say motivated!!

So here's what I have been working on:

Lace shorts

This is for one leg, around my thigh (specially measured to me :) of course!)

I have been really wanting to revamp some of my jeans with holes in the knees into shorts with lace on the bottom (to add length and well as help give the short leg room and hide some imperfections).  I even had dreams about what kind of lace, how long I would need to buy, how I would cut it without fraying it, where I would sew it, the weird details to the dreams just keep on going.  Then I had a brilliant idea!  Why not crochet my own lace??  So I started researching patterns.  I was a little discouraged at first, so many of them were table runners and coasters and place mats.  What I wanted was LACE! But then I discovered I was using the wrong key word.  The key word is BORDER or EDGING. Ahh! All the results.  I spent like an hour just looking at laces.  I finally came up with about four patterns.  Now, when someone asks me how long it takes me to make something, I am tempted to tell them in the way I currently measure time: how many nap times did it take? (haha!) and how much after bed hours did it take.  So currently I have been working on the first "set" of lace (because obviously I want the same pair of shorts to MATCH right?).  I am literally almost done with it, I just have to finish the last shell in white, connect it together so it is a loop, and viola! I am finished with it!  Which is exciting, because as easy as the pattern has become (due to repetition, I don't look at the pattern any more), I am ready to work on a different pattern.  I think this first set is kind of loose.  In terms of loose, I mean, the lace has a lot of wiggle room, a lot of "holes", so it really isn't going to "hide" much.  The solution, I believe, to this, is to add a second layer.  Now, the question is, do I do it in the same pattern I have been doing and literally layer it on top of the first layer, but stacked, or should I do a different pattern?  The more I think about it, the cute I think it would be to use the same exact one just stacked.  I'll show you what I mean.



You can see I have put the second layer on the first, with the shells between the others.



Yogurt Melts/Bites

So then I decided that I wanted to try making the yogurt melts/bites/drops/whatever-you-want-to-call-them.  Now they were SUPER easy.  Line a cup with a sand which size zip lock back.  Pour a container of yogurt into the zip lock back.  Line a baking sheet with wax paper, waxy size up.  Cut off bottom corner of bag.  Allow yogurt to "drop" onto the wax paper.  Freeze (I don't know, maybe an hour? I just left it for a while and came back later).  Use a spatula and scrap off paper (comes up super easy).  Store in freezer.  Viola!  You have a nice little summer treat.  Few things I learned:

1. Use good yogurt.  I used generic, and you know how generic has that kind of funny after taste eating it normally, well, guess what!  It has a funny after taste when frozen too (imagine that!).



2. Don't cut a big corner off, or you'll have the same situation I had where it almost POURED out of the bag instead of letting me squeeze it to drop it on the paper.

3. If you are going to store in individual zip lock snack bags, error on the side of not enough.  I think I put too much (split the whole container into three snack bags) in each bag.  What makes me say this?  Well, about 1/2 of the way through eating them, they started melting.  The last few were soft in form and quite messy using your fingers to eat.

You can see that some of my "drops" are smooshed together because it came out way too fast!!





Frozen Yogurt Bites

 

String Eggs

So this one is simple.  Simply messy.  Mix one cup liquid starch (found in the laundry isle) with 1/2 cup of flour with a whisk, until smooth.  Unravel one of those embroidery floss skeins into the mixture (don't just throw it in, or it'll get all tangled, and it is quite a pain in the behind trying to fix when it is covered in goo).  Wrap the string however the creation strikes you around a water balloon.  Allow to dry to 6-8 hours.  Pop balloon and remove excess starch build up in between strings with needle, or I used a bobby pin.  I quite enjoyed this little project.  It took one nap time (roughly 2-3 hours), between set up with news papers (and I need to stress this, that is VITAL to doing thing, otherwise you will have a mess of this goo dried up on your table that will take A LOT of elbow grease getting off, I know this because my news paper didn't cover all the table I was working at and I had several drops dry up on me... ugh), make the mixture, blow up balloons, concoct a little stand for them to dry on (second time around,  I took plastic cups, cut down all the way until about 1 to 1/2 an inch left before base, cut around base- this is one stand, cut rings from the top portion I just removed and pinched them in the center to close them up because I am out of tape to retape them together, one plastic solo cup made about 6-8 drying stands), and then wrap my balloons creatively.  I stopped every so often to wash my hands, search the Internet for bathing suits (which is someone else I did from seeing pictures on pinterest, but  I don't need to make that it's own little paragraph), and do a few other little things.  I am quite proud of them.

Drying on my homemade "stands" (egg cartons and solo cups cut into rings)

Finished product! It is AMAZING!!

24 eggs made in all, it made enough for two bowls, one sits on my table, one in the living room

Cheese Animal Crackers

Now this, I am quite impressed with.  The pin lead to a blog where the lady made her own fishy shaped cookie cutter from a soda can.  I tried this.  I failed.  Haha.  Not fail because my fish looked weird, just cutting them out seems like a lot of work with this cutter, mostly because where the two pieces of metal met I tried taping them up, but cheese dough still got shoved up into it.  Oh well.  I had already bought a little package of mini cookie cutters that are animal shaped.  I got a giraffe, lion, dog, bear, elephant, and Noah's Ark.  Not bad combo really.  They were much easier to cut out the shapes with.  I need to keep this recipe.  It makes really good animal crackers.  They puff up quite a bit more than the Goldfish brand do, but they taste, in my opinion, way better.  The Goldfish always tasted kind of, uh, I don't know, overly manufactured??    Here's the recipe:

• 1 cup(s) all-purpose flour
• 4 tablespoon(s) cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces (I used salted butter, but didn’t add any salt afterward)
• 8 ounce(s) grated extra-sharp Cheddar cheese (around 2 cups). Note: you can experiment with other cheeses. Some people have tried this and loved the results!
• 3/4 teaspoon(s) salt
• 1/8 teaspoon onion powder (note: this is optional since it isn’t part of the original recipe, but I decided to add anyway since I used it)
• 1/2 teaspoon(s) fresh-ground pepper
• 1 teaspoon baking powder

Directions

1. Pulse the flour,onion powder, salt, pepper, and baking powder together using a food processor.
2. Add the butter and cheese, and pulse until the mixture resembles coarse meal.
3. Pulse in 3 to 4 tablespoons of water, 1 tablespoon at a time, and only enough so that the dough forms a ball and rides the blade. Remove, wrap in plastic, and chill for 20 minutes (I put it in the freezer for 20 minutes and in the fridge for 10) or up to 24 hours.
4. Bake the crackers: Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 baking pans with parchment paper or silicone baking mats and set aside. Roll the dough out to 1/8th-inch thickness, using flour if necessary to prevent stickiness. Cut out as many crackers as possible.
5. To add character to the fish: break off an end from a side of a toothpick so it is blunt. Use that point to make the goldfish eyes. To make the smile, lay the toothpick down on its side, press, and drag. If you try to use the toothpick point, it will ruin the smile.
6. Optional: Refrigerate for another 15 minutes or so to make sure they won’t spread.
7. Place them on the prepared baking pans. Bake until golden and crisp (13-18 minutes). Transfer to a wire rack to cool.
8. They are best when completely cooled and the next day in my opinion. Store in an airtight container for up to 1 week.

OMG! These are SO good!!!

Fruit Roll Ups

So, my very last pinterest fulfillment is the fruit roll ups.  The recipe calls for using a dehydrator (which I do not have one), but the comments on the blog some people say they use the oven and it works just as well, just use your oven at the lowest setting.  I am excited to see how it turns out!  I made strawberry and peach roll up.  So basically, I used 3 cups frozen fruit, thawed and 3 cups unsweetened apple sauce, a capful of caramel extract, and a few shakes of cinnamon.  I will let you know how it turns out.  Basically by baking it at the lowest possible temperature for who knows how long (I am thinking probably 2-3 hours), it dehydrates it just the same, but makes one big roll!

*Picture pending!!*

I think I am eventually going to make a post of nothing but pictures of my little crafts!!

Pickles

It has been a while since I blogged, well it feels like forever. Maybe just two to three weeks?  But I want to blog about something that is very near and dear to my heart: Pickles! A some what funny (to me any way) little story about pickles.

So every night I get up maybe 4 or 5 times due to the meds (from the surgery, remember me mentioning that in previous blogs?), usually about 2-3 hrs apart.  Last night at my 2am awakening, I felt like having a pickle.  I knew we didn't have any in the fridge as the keeper of the inventory of the fridge.  So I went to our little food pantry shelving area, and looked at the underside of the second to highest of the shelf (much easier to spot a pickle jars bottom than to try to see around everything, or get a chair only to be disappointed).  Much to my delight, I had foreseen my need for pickles and had a pretty decent jar of Mt. Olives Kosher Snacking Dill Pickles waiting to be enjoyed.

Okay, before I go any further, a little background history is in order so this tale could be just a bit funnier.  My surgery was on the left side of my back, going into my left lung.  It follows the curve of my shoulder blade and I joked that it appears that the doctors removed one of my wings.  As a result, my left back, oh probably 5 or 6, ribs were broken to access the lung.  If anyone has broken a rib, I think maybe they would sympathize starting now about this ordeal.  For those who haven't, it really isn't all that bad, until you try to take a deep breath, or cough, or laugh, or stretch, or twist, or reach, or sleep on your back, or sit on a couch or chair, or ride in a car when it feels like the person is throwing you into the car seat and slamming on the breaks (which Kris isn't, it just seems that his driving is exaggerated due to the injury), well I guess basically anything.  It feels like someone has beaten me within an inch of my life, just on my left side back AND front ribs with a 2x4.  Yes, that's accurate.  The pain meds help a lot, but because I am afraid of becoming addicted to the medicine, I limit myself to a pain pill only when I absolutely need it.  My goal isn't to be 100% pain free 100% of the time, my goal is 100% pain free for a while, then about 75% pain free for a little while longer, then 50% pain free for some more time, when I get down to 25% pain free, that's when it is time to take another pill.  By doing this, I stretch the amount of time I need to take a pill, the amount of time my body needs to cope between pills is slowly being increased, allowing for, gasp, you guessed it, some pain in my life, but eventually it will be manageable with maybe one dose (my goal is NONE) of over the counter pain meds.  And this does work.  Within two weeks, I think, of returning home from my last surgery, I was taking only Tylenol, and by time a month had come and gone I was only taking Tylenol in the morning ONLY if the pain hadn't subsided within the first hour of being awake and moving around.  Now this rib thing feels like a different story.  Like it is possible that it is going to take longer than two weeks to ween me off the meds and possibly longer than a month before I have few rough days surrounded by lots of good days.  Here it has been a week since I have been released from the hospital today and I have only managed to spread my meds out once every 4 hours, and starting tomorrow I will attempt every 5 hour for a few days, and if I reach 4.5 hrs and just can't take it, then that's cool, I will take a pill.  I guess on the other hand that isn't bad considering when I was released I was taking a pill every 2 hours.

So back to my pickle story.  I see the pickles and what does any person automatically do?  I reach up for them.  With my dominant hand.  Which happens to be my left hand.  A little zing of pain reminds me that I can't use my left arm for anything (might as well put the darn thing in a sling), so I drag the chair over with my right hand and pick up the jar of pickles with my right hand and help balance it with my left.  I put the chair back.  By now my mouth is salivating, dreaming of the salty goodness about to enter it.  I take off the joke of a plastic seal around the lid.  I attempt to use my left hand to unscrew the pickle jar.  Up until now, everything in my life has been predominantly left handed with few exceptions, such has, I learned to use a can opener twisting with my right hand (the intended way), and I drive using my right hand mostly on the wheel, and I use my right foot for the gas and brake petals, and I find it easier to kick a soccer ball with my right foot, but that's about it.  So I go to open this pickle jar and my back shrieks in protest from the exertion I just put on it.  Oh yea, I think to myself, can't use that arm.  So I twist with my right hand.  I wish I could say that was the end of my story, that the pickle jar opened and I was rewarded.  Nope, sorry, not going to happen.  So the lid does not budge at all using my right hand.  Really?!?! Am I this weak that I can't even open a stinking pickle jar?  Then this thought crosses my mind: "yes I am, because even when my left side is not injured, I have to, about 50% of the time, get Kris to open jars, bottle, etc".  So I remember some old wives tales on how to open a stubborn jar.  I tapped the jars lid on the counter around the edges, not exactly an easy feat considering I only have 50% of my strength, and it isn't my best strength. I try again.  I try with my left hand JUST in case tapping the lid loosened it just enough but my right hand sucks that much.  This goes on for like 5 minutes, using a butter knife to tap the lid, to tap the bottom, using one of those wine gripper tools, everything I can think of, all the while, alternating between left and right weak hand/arm strength.  Then I decide that maybe the problem isn't in the lid so much as the grip on the jar while trying to turn the lid.  So I sit on the floor, put the pickle jar between my bare feet, and try again.  And again.  And again.  At this point I am almost CRYING from frustration, with thoughts crossing my mind such as: if I break the pickles jar I can just pick out the pickles I want from the glass and get my pickles, and maybe I should go wake up Kris to open the jar, and maybe I don't need a stinking pickle after all!  I think I probably gave up three times, only to come back a minute later to try again.  In all, it took me 15 solid minutes of brute strength to open this pickle jar, and honestly, the reward wasn't that great.  Not since my back was hurting now, and I was already almost crying from frustration (sometimes those feelings are hard to rid even once you have succeeded at something).  I have since considered writing to Mt. Olives, thanking them for their superb ability to maintain sanitation and shelf life for their pickles, but maybe they could consider making a jar that is easy to POP for those less fortunate, less strong, possibly elderly (like my grandma who has rheumatoid arthritis so bad that her fingers are bend sideways and she has a hard time even picking up a cup without an handle).

So that's my pickle story.  It is kind of funny.  In a very pathetic way.  I guess you just had to be there to find it funny (I can laugh now, a day later about it, having told the story to Kris and mom and both of them getting a laugh out of it). Pickles.  Mmm, think I will go eat a few now that they are already opened...

I am

Kris and I just watched 50/50.  It is kind of a lude movie.  Lots of swearing. A few vague references to sex as well as an almost sex scene, and quite a bit of drug usage. But there is a part of that story that really, really, REALLY REALLY hits home.  How you feel when the doctor tells you you have cancer.  All the really big words they use.  How the doctors and nurses are usually a bit rude and kind of indifferent. How your friends and family take the news.  But the writers, producers, actors etc of this movie did a really good job portraying some of the dark humor in it. Some of the jokes I have used.  And most importantly, some of the views I have had when it comes to coming to terms with my mortality.

But I want to say something.  It is important.  I am more than a Carney's Triad Syndrome Cancer Patient. Here is what I am:

I am

I am a daughter to God

I am a sister in Christ

I am a wife

I am a mother

 I am a daughter

I am a sister

I am a cousin

I am a niece

I am a granddaughter

I am friend

I am a woman

I am left handed

I am 5'7"

I am often bull-headed

I am moody

I cry at commercials with animals

I change the channel when I see a St. Jude's Commercial

I am a house keeper

I am a personal chauffeur

I am a maid, cook, and financial advisor

I am a college graduate

I am a pet owner

I am an avid reader

I am a horrible speller on texts

I am a worrier

I am often too quick to judge

I am sometimes dominated by my sin

I am truly grateful for God's Grace

I am full of multiple scars

I am to have more scars in my life

I am often scared of leaving my family to carry on without me

I am 100% sure that I am going to Heaven when I die

I am probably not the best driver out there

I often leave my keys in the door

I may loose my head if it wasn't attached

I try to make jokes with strangers

I forgot to love my loved ones

I get in a tangent very easily over stupid things

I get angry

I hate being angry

Mostly, I am not cancer

It does not define me

I hate the word

It is the worse cuss word out there

I hate telling my new friends about it

I hate pity parties

I hate "bless your heart" and "you poor thing"

God knows me

He didn't give me anything HE knew I couldn't handle

My trust in God will result in one of two things:

I am alive longer to share my testimony & God's grace

Or I am allowed to go home to heaven.

On a very end side note, there is someone very important I want to say thank you to.  My husband.  In today's world where it is so easy to divorce someone due to disagreements and going different ways in life and  I can bet probably strong sicknesses and illnesses that people don't want to shatter their perfect little world with, I can honestly say that God has protected me in all aspects of my life by giving Kris to me as my husband.  We may have our differences, and we often disagree, and we sometimes argue, we go to bed angry, but never forget to say I love you, even if it is through our teeth, we always kiss goodbye and we do try to work out our differences. I think it is easier for me to be the "patient" than it would be if I was the spouse of the "patient" because I know where I am going when I die.  I get something exciting to look forward to.  But the possibility of living my life without my spouse seems very depressing.  And Kris sure has been quite a trooper.  If he has ever been scare, or worried, or afraid, or sad, he doesn't show it around me.  Some times it does annoy me because I wander if I mean that much to him than shouldn't he have these feelings.  But I thank God Kris is just like that, because often times I am emotionally frail, and if Kris was emotionally frail too, than I think we would be a big ole wallowing mess of "what-ifs" and we would never get out of bed.

My God is not dead

He's surly alive

Living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

I shout this song out when it comes on the radio and it often stays stuck in my head for DAYS afterwards.  Because My God is awesome.  He is ever present.  He is kind.  He is loving.  He is just.  He knows before I was conceived that on Feb 10, 2008 I would be told I have stomach tumors and have most of my stomach removed.  He knows that in the summer of 2004 Kris and I would meet by some crazy, couldn't replicate in 1000 years circumstances that he put into place long before either of us was even looking for a girl/boy friend.  He knew that on August 4, 2006, I would marry the man he intended for me, the man who would carry me when  I am weak.  The man who I could cry on and would just hold me.  The man that loves me enough to argue his point instead of conceding and growing bitter.  He knew that at 7:55pm on August 6, 2009, the most beautiful gift would be given to me. He know my heart, he is not dead, he is not dead HE IS NOT DEAD!!

God's teaching me even when I think I am at recess

I learned a few valuable lessons last night, while at the Rock and Worship Roadshow (2012).  First, let me give you a list of all the bands that were there:

Opening was Moriah Peters and The Rend Collective Experiment.  Moriah Peters is a 19 year old, first roadshow experience, gorgeous girl, I bet she is going to go far.  The Rend Collective Experiment made me laugh, not in a bad way.  They were an Irish band, embracing their leprechaun stigma.  They had this girl that played multi instruments, and was super joyful to play them: the xylophone, a metal trash can (yes I said she played a metal trash can), key board, and she switched with the drummer so he could come up and play this wooky looking instrument.  I honestly don’t know if it is a real instrument or just something they made up to have a unique sound.  They were pretty awesome, kind of like an Irish punk band.

Before I go any further, I have to blog about my experience up to the concert and walking in etc.  Kris and I decided to go about a month ago.  More like I said I really wanted to go and assumed he was going with me.  So we hired a babysitter to be at our house at 4:30 to midnight (pretty good little baby sitter charge there, but totally worth it!) and Kris ended up getting to take a class in Beeville for work instead of working in one of his many far off locations, so Kris was home by 4 pm and we were ready to rock and roll by time the babysitter got there.  The concert was in Corpus, and it was about an hour away from home, honestly, we’ve gotten used to having to drive an hour plus for anything significant.  By time we pulled up, it was almost 6, and you could just tell the lines were crazy.  So we decided to park and get in line instead of finding something to eat and coming back.  I was disappointed to find that we were going to have to pay for parking, and the sign said Parking: $5. I think in small letters, it said per person, which I feel is almost false advertising, because who can read those tiny letters that far away?  So $10 to park and $10 per person to get in.  We’ve spent more on a concert we didn’t really even enjoy! Okay, so this line, we start following it back from the door to get in the back of the line because we are just far too honest of people to cut in line, and we followed it all the way back for 10 minutes, no LIE! There must have been 1000 people in line a head of us. Once we got in, and found seats, Kris went to go get us some dinner, okay, so one cheese burger, three chicken tenders, probably what equivalates to a medium fry, and a large coke cost us almost $20.  They don’t get you at the $10 entry.  They get you at the food!

So before we found our seats, I got a glimpse of the artists booths.  The one specifically that caught my eye was LeCrae.  And I did the worse thing possible, I instantly judged him and his music.  I thought how could they have a rapper at a Christian event?  I guess my previous experience with rap in college taught me that all rappers talk about is sex, money, drugs, partying, murder, death, women, etc.  Those things are totally not Christian.  Well, let me restate that, the way they spoke of those things were not Christian.  And I am no saint.  I loved quite a bit of the rap music in college.  I loved the beat, I loved the culture associated with it, I loved how it invigorates you to go DO something, like go dancing, or I don’t know, something.  But since my Christian walk, I have been kind of nervous of some of my old ways, such as listening to rap, or listening to heavy metal, because the messages are not good ones.  As a matter of fact, I have even gotten away from listening to Country and Pop music, I may listen to it once in a while, but I grow tired quite quickly of the messages I am hearing, and ultimately, the messages Ethan is hearing, because he is in the car with me.  I would rather have him question me about God’s unfailing love, or what it means to be lifted up on wings like eagles, or something along that nature, not what a b**** is, or why that guy is going fishing even though his wife/girl friend doesn’t like it and he’s going to miss her, or something inappropriate like that. So I will be honest, I made a judgment, and I am 100% wrong.  I feel like that older, self righteous person at a stuffy church that won’t change because the majority of the congregation is older and is holding on to the old hymnal ways and think that popular music, rap music, punk music, anything that ISN’T 1800 or early 1900’s hymns, that it is devil music.  Oh how I feel like a Pharisee just now.

Now, before you go calling me names, or of being racist, or judge me, you must know, I did NOT make this judgment based on him being black.  I purely placed it on the MUSIC.  Because if Eminem was there, I would make the SAME EXACT JUDGMENT! It is the CULTURE of rap music, not the artist.  And to make this point even more, I feel the same way about many many heavy metal bands.  And can I say that Disciple was a heavy metal band?  And can I say that honestly that music isn’t for me? And when he first came running out, banging his head like he was a bobble head, screaming into the microphone, I felt the SAME exact way, speechless.  Because I judged.  I did not like it one bit.  But I also could not hear the words.  He was screaming them and I was unfamiliar with his songs or lyrics, so all I hear was yelling and screaming.  Had I seen the words on the big screen, and could read what his message was, I think I may have felt quite different. 

Which, back to LeCrae, he was absolutely brilliant.  In my opinion.  His message was pure.  He struggled with the STIGMA I PUT ON HIM.  He said some very very striking things to me.  He said that there isn’t such thing as bad music, but the problem is with the hearts of man!  Hello!?! Haven’t I heard that before?? Um YES! Randi Marie!! What is wrong with you!?  How many times do you have to hear and learn the same lesson before it actually sinks in?? THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CHRISTIAN MUSIC, JUST CHRISTIAN LYRICS. Now, if you just can’t stand the sound of blue grass because it tweets you, or you can’t stand heavy metal because its too harsh, or you can’t stand rap because it’s too loud, or you can’t stand pop because it’s too main stream, that IS 100% OKAY, because as a long as you are WORSHIPING the Lord from YOUR heart and not what others around you are doing or saying or seeing, what does it matter if it is the 1800 hymnals??? Not a darn thing!  LeCrae spoke to my soul because I had made such a quick, and very wrong, judgment about him.  He spoke of how the big rappers probably thought he was a dum dum because of his STRONG desire to not only PREACH Jesus, but live his LIFE according to Jesus, and he said something totally amazing.  He said, do not celebrate me, for I am not a celebrity (although by the crowds reaction, I would say he was pretty famous).  For the difference there is a difference between a celebrity and a hero.  A celebrity wants all the fame and glory for themselves, and wants people to worship them.  A hero directs you to the one who deserves the glory.  HOLY MOLY, HOLY SMOKES, AND HOLY COW! I want to be a HERO! Giving all GLORY to Jesus and to God, who deserves it fully.

The other bands that were there was Hawk Nelson, which I absolutely loved, they were very punkish.  That is the music from my high school days that really SPOKE to me. I need to say something here.  I also could barely understand a single word they said, mostly because their band was louder than the singer, and he has kind of a higher pitched voice that words slew together, but I really liked the beat, the sound, of the band.  So there you have it.  My preference is NOT heavy metal, it is more punk, more rap (gasp, I said it!), and a lot of popular!

There was Tenth Avenue North, which has gotten widely popular.  Listen to a few of their songs, if you have been listening to Christian radio long enough, you will recognize almost all their songs.  They are very good live.  We bought three CD’s.  Very good!

There was Sidewalk Prophets, which has also become popular.  I absolutely loved them, because the lead singer is the heavier, normal looking guy.  What I mean is he isn’t totally hot.  And I think that is totally awesome.  Because I get burned out on all these “hot” singers and artists coming into fame mostly because of their beauty.  Now, I am not saying they don’t have talent, it just seems that the less “hot” you are according to society, the harder you have to work to prove you are totally awesome.  And I loved that about their band! 

And of course, MercyMe.  I looked them up on our way to Corpus just to see when their song “I Can Only Imagine” came out, because I was thinking mid 90’s for some reason.  Well, they have been together since ’94 (holy cow, almost 20 years!!), but that song didn’t release until 2001.  But MercyMe is an awesome group.  With awesome, Kingdom goals.  And I am proud of them for not selling out.  Because they could have made way more money, become way more famous, and lived a much more fabulous life, if they had.  They STILL sell every one of their CD’s for $5.  Seriously.  For $5.  They had an exception this time, because their record company really pushed them to sell it for $15 (their newest release coming in May) but they changed it up that you would get TWO CD’s.

So Kris and I left the concert with a total of 9 CD’s. We spent so much money last night.  But I am so completely excited to have NEW CD’s for my car!  I have been listening to the same mixed CD for almost a year, and am, frankly, getting a little tired of it.  So I just finished ripping all the CD’s and am about the make me a couple mixed CD’s for the road!!

So there it is, I put my heart out there.  Actually, I put a very embarrassing thing I did out there.  And honestly, I feel really bad about it, and I am very nervous about posting this blog because I fear some stigma from peoples of my past who will be quick to judge me and call me names.  But I am not blogging for them, I am blogging for me, and for my sound mind, because I have come to realize of the years that I get stuff OUT of my head by WRITING IT DOWN (or typing, because I type like 100 times faster than I write any more).

A bit of a ramble, but important none the less

Okay, so I fear this blog may be a sad one.  There's a few things on my heart, that are making me sad, that I just want to get off and out of my mind. Who knows, maybe my Awesome God will make this an invigorating blog.

So first, there is this little boy.  He doesn't go to our church, but his aunt does.  He is only three.  He died this morning.  I feel absolutely tore up about it.  Ethan is just two and a half.  I cannot imagine what his mother feels.  What his father feels.  What anyone close to him feels.  If this is how I feel and I don't even know him, I have never met him this side of heaven, and the only reason I know of him is because his aunt has been fervently requesting prayers for about a month now on f.b. through the church page, then  I just cannot imagine.  He had brain cancer and they started chemo on him, he went into a coma, and he just "earned his wings" as his aunt put it, this morning at 10:44.  Honestly, I feel the tears welling up in my eyes as we speak.  The thought that comes to my head is, what if that was my child.  Kris has said before, how in the world did they even know he had something wrong with him?  How would you know to look for something as CRAZY as that?  I assume, because Ethan is getting to the point of telling me when something hurts, that he probably told them his head hurts until he was in just pure agony.  But honestly.  A little baby.  A three year old.  I don't want to say it, much less think it, but I am struck by how utterly unfair it is.  And I need to remember, God is awesome, God has a plan, and I am positive God had his hand on that little boy from day one and held his hand all the way to heaven.  And I struggle with what was God's plan in all of that?  It sucks to lose someone, no matter the circumstances.  I still feel grief when I think of not getting to see my grandpa when I go home to Wisconsin next, and I don't even want to consider how I will feel when the day comes that I can no longer call my mom when I need someone desperately to rant and rave and cry to or the day when my dad or brother are no longer here. But your child?  How can you cope with some thing like that. 

Kris and I watched Courageous a few weeks ago, and the little girl dies.  The father goes to see the pastor wanting to know how to carry on, how to be a good father and husband to those he has left.  They build the movie up so you can see that he is very much in love with his daughter (not in a gross way, but in the way every father should love his daughter), and his loss is so devastating to him, he isn't sure how to carry on.  And I am reminded what that pastor said to him when I think of losing something so dear and near to my heart.  He basically said losing someone like that is like losing a limb.  You survive.  A part of you is always missing, but you relearn to live, to cope, to move on.  The loss of that limb never ever fades, but you move on.  And then he said something so powerful, I can't wrap my head around it.  I know that I would STILL struggle with this.  He said, how are you going to spend the rest of your life, morning over the time you didn't get with your daughter, or cherishing the time you did?  And now I am crying again.  Because, honestly, I think some of my day to day stuff gets in the way of cherishing my loved ones.  I get to caught up in trying to clean up the messes, and do the dishes, and prepare for dinner, and go grocery shopping, and paying bills, and balancing the check book, that I forgot I only have a few precious years, months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes left with my son, my husband, my family.  Whether God is going to decide to call me up, call Ethan up, Kris up, or whom ever, or whether time is just going to do what it does, and keep marching on, and when I next blink my child will be a man marrying his wife and having his children, my time is limited.  I don't know how many precious moments are left.  And I already regret the ones I wasted on worry, doubt, anger, and pain.  I pray God knows my heart, and heals my heart of this pain I feel.  That he HELPS me sit on the floor and play with my baby instead of shooing him away.  That he helps me listen to my husbands needs instead of trying to voice my own over his.  That he helps me find time to laugh more often, and love more often, and hug and kiss more often, and store away all the memories I can.  And build beautiful memories with my family.  And to fight this sadness I feel coming over me to dwell in what has been lost.  But to hold vivid this pain so that I can do my DARNDEST to avoid it at all costs.

So on to another thing, but I know in my heart I am not done with that little boy.  I have a many more prayers to say for him and his family.  In the mean time, some other things that have been weighing on me.  It appears my next surgery is creeping around the corner.  I can feel the internal struggle already beginning.  I feel the fear I felt the last surgery, the doubt, the anxiety.  And I know my God did not give me a heart of fear! (2Tim1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind KJV).  This is the DEVIL whispering in my ear, trying to create chaos in my life by bringing forth worry over something that is NOT even in my hands (or honestly, in the surgeons hands either, because above all, GOD GOTS THIS!!), fear for the what ifs (honestly the worst what if means I get to spend eternity with Jesus in heaven, that's not a bad what if at all), doubts if this is what needs to be done, fear over the pain (which in this life, is a constant, and we are not promised, as Christians, to live a pain and conflict free life, if anything, we probably are going to live a life of more pain and more conflict as the devil tries to weaken us and break our bonds with God.), monetary fears, man,  I can just keep going.  But I think I need to stop.  Honestly, that is the devil encouraging me to keep dwelling on my downfalls, my fears and failures, my pain.  How greatly the devil attacks those who have given their life to Jesus! And I need to be clear, the DEVIL CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY YOUR SALVATION (although  I can guarantee he would like to make you believe you can lose it), he can only influence you to make your relationship with God an unsteady one, and unfortunately, that weak relationship may affect someone who is watching you trying to decide if God and Jesus is for real.  That is the devil's plan!  He knows he already lost you, but he will do EVERYTHING to keep you from saving ANYONE else.  Take heart my CHRISTian brothers and sisters, for I can promise you that I have never had such internal turmoil, never had such terrible tests of faith, nor felt such pain as I have since I have become a Christian.  But, on the flip side, I have never felt so completely loved, so completely secure in who  I am, bumps, bruises, lumps, imperfections, and flaws, never so completely confident that during those trials that God is CARRYING me and I am not alone than I have had in my life, EVER.  If you have children, than I think it is easy to make the connection that God is a father first.  That he is there, he loves you with all his heart and soul even when you fall and make a mistake, and you are disobedient, even when he told you one hundred THOUSAND times not to do something, that he is going to be right there, to scoop you up in his loving arms, kiss your pain, hug you, and wish he could take it for himself.  He is a good God.  He is a good Father.  His punishments are just and right.  They are to make us BETTER.  Let's take a little look at society.  What in the world has happened to it?  Can it be that someone some where along the way thought someone else should discipline their children, or that children don't need discipline or structure because they felt burned by what their parents did?  Can it be that we have gotten so politically correct in spanking and what extremists consider child abuse (like popping my sassing child on the mouth, or spanking in public, or snatching your child up to prevent them from something seriously dangerous, such as that big shelf of heavy cans or the speeding car in the parking lot) that we are now AFRAID to discipline our children in fear they will be taken from us by the state and put into foster care where you can probably bet your bottom dollar they would have a WORSE situation there.  Can it be that this lack of discipline is raising up a very disobedient, very rebellious, lack of respect for authority, overly righteous generation?  Can you IMAGINE what 20 years is going to be like?  What if God did that to us?  What if he decided that he would be better to just let us be and not interject at all, just a pat on the head when we do something right?  What kind of people would we be?  Honestly, that scares me more than surgery.  It scares me more to think of raising my son to be this terrible person as an adult.  I think God wants the same for us.  My heart will break if my child ends up being a terrible person anyway.  And I don't want to think of it, but there are very few mothers that don't love their children whole heartedly and would be devastated if their child was the next nasty serial killer.  Okay,  I totally didn't go there.  But the thought has crossed my mind.  No joking matter there.  Proverbs 22:6 says: "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it" (NIV).  So we put our faith, again in God, for as long as we do God's will in our children's life, he shall lead them in the right path.  That doesn't mean that they won't struggle, and possibly fall some pretty nasty falls.  But God will not forsake them as long as they KNOW him. 

Wow, I got kind of off on a tangent.  My thoughts seems a little random.  But all this is leading some where, I promise.  It goes back to my struggles with the next surgery.  I have a date with some doctors coming up, and I am sure that my next surgery date will be scheduled for early March.  Kris and I have started to discuss this surgery, because honestly, we both like to "forget" about all this mess until we are forced to confront it.  We both feel this surgery is probably going to be a pretty bad surgery, considering they'll probably be breaking 3-5 ribs, removing some left lung (they aren't sure how much they'll need to until they get in there and find out the quality of the tumors are, like do they have long roots like a tree, or are they mushy like oatmeal, or are they hard as a marble.  All those factors determine how much further from the tumor they remove).  But I will have to do some breathing exercises to keep my lungs expanding and deflating, and working out any blood clots as well as any fluid build up, and I can imagine that I will probably have a hacky lung feeling for months afterwards.  But then, God willing, this will be the end of the bad surgeries.  We know of one more, that we both feel is going to be an outpatient surgery, because the tumor is NEAR my bladder, no on it, not in it, etc, it is just there, and we feel that it will be relatively easy to remove.  We pray. And I know I pray, when I go in for my next scans, that nothing else "pops" up like the bladder tumor did (although, thanks to a wonderful doctor who went through all my scans will me one by one from 2003 on, it was actually there the entire time, it just "blended" in with my bladder because it glowed the same color as a full bladder does on CT, and after time, it has grown enough to become asymmetrical and noticeable to the radiologists that that is NOT actually a part of my bladder, so it didn't just pop up, but we just noticed it.)  Honestly, I just want to be done.  I have considered pulling up some ostrich.  In other words, if I bury my head in the sand and pretend it isn't there, maybe it won't be (but I have a visual of a lion or wolf or tiger, thinking to itself, how wonderful is this!  My dinner isn't even RUNNING!!), and I know that that solution is not the right solution.  God gave us some WONDERFUL doctors who are brilliant at what they do, HE gave them the steady hands, the ability to understand all the crazy medical mumble jumble, the drive to study study study research research research, to not use the talents GOD gave them would be a shame!!  I JUST WANT TO GO ON WITH MY LIFE.  I am tired to driving to Houston and fighting all the red tape, and dealing with receptionists that don't like their job, and getting poked and prodded, and sat in a chair three hours after my appointment time, and forced to drink the nastiest stuff you have ever tasted (although, I should say, the mocha one might be a winner, it really isn't that bad, it is ABOUT time they listened to the patients! Haha), and having to hold your arms a certain way until they are asleep to the point of pain, and then to get up, and go sit in another chair, and wait for the doctor to come in, all the while your heart is pounding because you are so nervous they are going to come in looking like the grim reaper and give you a LOAD of bad news.  It is all ridiculous!  All I can say IS THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME SOME OF THE COOLEST, MOST CARING DOCTORS! And that says a lot . For the 4 years I have known of what I have, I can only say that before these 3 I am currently working with, I only felt like 1 doctor cared for my OVERALL well being, not just my physical well being.

So I feel so much better.  What a huge rant and rave!  Holy moly!  I am glad I only have a few readers!  Haha!  But to be honest, I would not care if this went viral.  If a million people read it.  I would have to say though, I cannot stand negative comments.  I hate reading some one's blog or OPINION on something and someone leaves a nasty comment on how ignorant that person is or has to leave an annoying, uncalled for opinion.  Seriously people, go start your own blog and go blog about that persons blog that bothered you so that you can get it off your chest without being a complete jerk to the original poster.  Because, I can promise you, there will be many who agree with me.  And there will be many who do not.  Hence, the reason it is called an opinion, not a fact.  And if you don't agree, move on.  It is that simple.  Or better yet, STOP reading, STOP following, STOP commenting.  Now, I am NOT speaking to anyone I know, just giving my opinion on how I feel about the comment box comments on other peoples blogs.

Wow.  I just prayed to God to give me something inspiring, something for my struggles and pains and sorrows.  I flipped to Psalms 57.  Let me share it with you:

Have mercy on me, oh God, have mercy on me,

for in you my soul takes refuge.

I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings 

until the disaster has passed.

I cry out to God Most High,

to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.

He sends from heaven and saves me,

rebuking those who hotly pursue me;

I am in the midst of lions;

I lie among ravenous beasts-

men whose teeth are spears and arrows,

whose tongues are sharp swords.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;

let your glory be over all the earth.

They spread a net for my feet-

I was bowed down in distress.

They dug a pit in my path-

but they have fallen into it themselves.

My heart is steadfast, O God,

my heart is steadfast;

I will sing and make music.

Awake, my soul!

Awake, harp and lyre!

I will awaken at dawn.

I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;

I will sing of you among the peoples.

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;

your faithfulness reaches the skies.

Be exalted, O God, about the heavens;

let your glory be over all the earth.

How awesome is God that he just answered my prayer and gave me a nice snippett of a Psalm to encourage me that God is great, that my enemies cannot twart him (the flesh, the world, and the devil have NOTHING on God) and tomorrow morning I will rise and PRAISE him before, during, and after Church!!!!!!!! Have a good night my readers, and I apologize in advanced if I made you mad, sad, angry, cry, laugh, snort, or any other feeling.  So no negative comments ;-p (hahahaha)