This pregnancy has been so much more challenging than it was with Ethan. I really wanted to use a midwife to have a natural, out of hospital experience, with women I loved and who cared about me, not just someone I met the day I came in to have my baby. I have had, by far, my fair share of hospitals to last me a life time, and it wasn't that my hospital experiences were so traumatic that they were something of a horror story, they were just... hospital stays, where I was in pain for 3 out of the 4 stays (Ethan's birth was the only one I would consider I wasn't in pain, yes, pain of child birth, but that goes away extremely quick). Where I had a recovery period of several months, and still have some effects of the surgeries I endured. Don't get me wrong, those surgeries were absolutely necessary, but if I can avoid going into the hospital, I would love that.
BUT,
it seems that it won't be happening this time. I have tried so hard this pregnancy to fall within "low risk" so the midwives could treat me. I have had to go to a high risk ob, convince him that I was healthy enough for a out of hospital birth, convince the midwives that I was healthy enough for an out of hospital birth, convince my husband and countless family/friend/people that this really was the best option for us. Then I failed my gestational diabetes test at 28 weeks, and I truly thought it was because of my inability to handle large quantities of sugar resulting from my stomach surgery over 5 years ago; however, we played it safer than sorrier by testing, changing diet, food logging, etc. I went in to see the high risk ob again at 33.5 weeks and he had me test my sugars for another week, and then he determined that I do not, in fact, have gestational diabetes, that I most likely failed the test due to the stomach surgery. Yea, I thought so too, but I wasn't sure. So for almost 7 weeks I was miserable. Yes, the sugar cravings lessened, yes the carb cravings lessened, but they never truly went away. I would go out to eat and longingly look at Kris' order, while I ordered a boring salad. And I found that many places have really terrible salads. Oh and at 28 weeks we discovered that I was anemic. And honestly by barely anything, but enough that legally if I could not get my red blood cells raised by delivery, the midwives could not deliver. Normally, this is something that is pretty easily remedied with normal people. BUT, since my stomach surgery, I have absorption issues. Add on top of the fact that the baby will take whatever they need regardless of how low you are in it. So it has taken us 7 weeks just to eek up my iron levels to passable, but we did it!! I was so very proud of myself. There has been so much I have had to faithfully change, diet, exercise, supplementation.
IN THE END,
it was something I could not change that ended up risking me out. My blood pressure. It's not a "mediation", "take it easy and breathe", "relax", "don't over do it", "exercise more, eat better" sort of problem. It really isn't. My bp rose at the very end with Ethan, and I had to be induced at 38w. It's hard to tell if it was truly because the doctor liked to schedule everything so it was convenient to him, or if it really was a true medical issue. But, regardless, my blood pressure rose up too high for the midwives to LEGALLY continue to care for me. Legally again. Gah. Legally I barely skimmed by with the GD test being wrong (b/c if you don't/can't control it with diet and exercise, then you are risked out), legally I barely eeked by with raising my red blood cells and getting some of my numbers back into order. But legally, I did not fall under the blood pressure cut off. Sniff. Sniff. And I honestly think, looking at it in perspective now with my pregnancy with Ethan, that the extra weight of the baby, uterus, waters, placenta, blood volume, etc, that the tumor NEAR my bladder is being pressed upon and it is causing my bp to raise. We can only PRAY that in a few years, when my poor body is ready for another surgery, that by removing that LAST tumor that we will be home free for at least a decade (my child producing years) and we can continue to grow our family like we both desire.
BUT,
God is in charge. He's already proven that one. That no matter what I do on this humanly earth, his plan is ultimate. It will be carried out.
AND,
I have accepted that. It's taken me almost all week, but I have accepted it. Because what if God needs me in the hospital in case of a complication that MOST other women would never have? And what if I wasn't in the hospital and I had to be transported? And what if I was that ONE case that didn't make it to the hospital because so many things were stacked against me? And I could what if all day long, but God has already made it so that I will be delivering this little girl in a hospital.
HOWEVER,
God is still magnificent in his planning. He knows my desires to not have a hospital birth. He knows my desires for not being induced. And he has me going to a doctor who does not want to induce me, because of all the other medical interventions that are involved in induction. Did you just read that right? Yes, you did, my doctor does not want to induce me at this time. Yes, my blood pressure is high, but it isn't dangerous, he doesn't feel I have pre-eclampsia, of all the years of practice, I show no other signs of it, he thinks it is the tumor as well (and to rule out pre-eclampsia, he has me doing a 24hr urine collection and blood work). Yes I have a higher than normal amount of amniotic fluid. And yes, we prob will have a pretty decent sized baby (if I had to guess, I would say over 8.5 lbs). And because of eating healthy for many many weeks, I actually lost weight on my legs and butt, so my belly looks absolutely ENORMOUS. Like, beached whale enormous.
SO,
Now we are sitting and waiting, hoping my labor starts soon, because... stretch marks have started and a bigger belly means more stretch marks. And I am ready to be done with these health issues. And I am ready to meet my little girl, and get our life a rocken and a rollen. And get Ethan used to her. Sigh. So pray for me dear friends, for this to be over quickly, and for it to happen so smoothly that there is no doubt God's hand is in it all. Because an hour drive to corpus in labor is a long, long drive, and I am praying it happens at night, so Kris can actually come with me, instead of trying to arrange someone to take me and Kris to meet me there...
That is all. Rant over. :)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Fantastic day
HEB, you rocked my socks off today. Some of my finds that I almost shouted out with joy are:
Whole Chicken for $0.77/lb (I bought three... seriously, $4 a chicken...)
HEB Brand Spaghetti sauce in so many different flavors with only 3g sugar per serving (for reference, most other spaghetti sauces are around 11g sugar per serving, so not only is is better for us, it is also cheaper too)
HEB Brand Glycemic Noodles (in other words, 0g sugar)
HEB Brand raw almonds (the leading "competitor" didn't even have raw almond today) for over $2 cheaper per lb!
You know, cleaner eating is really hard. It takes a lot longer planning meals based on how much "processed" food you add, and when you do, how much sugar in everything is so ridiculous that I almost cry at the lack of selection. I will say this, almost 3 weeks of seriously reducing my sugar and carb intake and eating cleaner, these are the things I have noticed:
Ethan has a sugar sensitivity. If he has too many pieces of candy, or sugar in breads, jellies, popsicles, drinks, etc, he becomes very defiant. He eats like I eat. A lot of almonds, a lot of water, a lot of yogurt with hemp seeds, bananas with peanut butter and hemp seed, low sugar cereals, etc. I even made him pancakes that substituted 1/2 the flour for whole wheat flour and added flax and chia seeds, he didn't even notice. He's also eaten rye bread and not once said it tasted funny. He's started eating a lot of veggies he normally would never try (sauteed squash and zucchini, fresh green beans, etc)
My sweet tooth has dramatically reduced. It's still there... but yesterday I tried an almond fudgey bite after dinner (it was only 1.9g sugar peeps!) and it almost gagged me how sweet it was.
The baby and my stomach compete for space (in not a good way) when I eat something high in carbs, and I really feel miserable for 1/2 an hour afterwards
A lot of diabetic friendly recipes (one of the ways to go if you are reducing carbs and sugars) have really good ideas that actually taste really really good. For example, we've eating quinoa, beans and chicken (it was like chicken, beans and rice, mexican style), sloppy joes (with homemade ketchup), beef casserole, chicken, mushroom, and broccoli casserole, plus all the regulars I make just not really much starches or sauces: tilipia with sauteed veggies, baked chicken with sauteed green beans, deer burgers with salads. And we will be trying much more new recipes. The best website I have found is: diabeticliving.com It truly has a massive index of recipes...
My weight gain has slowed down CONSIDERABLY, and I find it easier to get up in the morning, stay awake all day, move around the house, walk around without hurting, and am just in a much better mood. Doesn't mean we don't still have bad days.
Coconut oil, even though it is expensive, is absolutely, hands down, amazing. It smells SO good when you're using it to cook with, you can't help but salvatate (is that even a word??), and you can use it as a lotion! (I was doing this, but because money is tight and I currently have a lot of lotions I need to use first that I cannot use as a cooking oil, I will hold off using it until they are all gone).
I have learned what a true serving is. In ritz crackers, it is 5 crackers. In ranch dressing, it is 2 tablespoon, in ketchup, it is 1 tablespoon (and actually try measuring these things out people, it isn't very much at all). In lunch meat, it's like three thin slices. So it's really, really smaller than we american's have come to know, so small in fact, that (shocker here, hold on to your panties) you actually HAVE to add veggies, like salad, tomatoes, red bell peppers, cheese, etc, in order to make sure you have enough to eat. Hence, you shouldn't have this huge sandwich with all these meats and cheeses on them and some chips, b/c whoa mama, I can't imagine what that would look like. It's more like, two tortillas (or CAREFULLY chosen bread, b/c bread is killer in ADDED sugar not to mention the fact that it turns straight to sugar in your body anyway), with a few slices of lunch meat, shredded cheese, some mustard, spinach, tomatoes, pickles, and some red bell peppers to the side for crunch (yes I use ranch, just about 1/2 a tbs tho) and that's really it. Lots of water if you're still hungry haha.
Bread. Whoa bread. How I used to buy bread. Look for the buttery golden one, the one that usually has the words "butter" in the name. Test for softness. Put in cart. Pick up a package of flour tortillas as I am passing by. Oh, maybe some cinnamon raisin bagels. Mmm that would make a fantastic breakfast. Gotta go get cream cheese to go on them. Did you know when I was looking at breads, because I don't really want to give them up completely, I do need some grains in my diet, that a lot of the "healthy" whole wheat breads have almost as much sugar as the white breads? Did you know those sandwich thins have almost as much sugar as a regular slice of bread? And tortillas. Don't get me started. I remember being at Walmart with Kris, literally picking up every loaf of "healthy" whole grain, multi grain, oat grain, etc there was, and almost wanting to cry. My goal is to keep my sugars under 5g of sugar per serving. To me, that would include what I am putting on my bread. So if it's already 17g of sugar, yea, I am in trouble. I did find some things I can have: sour dough english muffins have 1g of sugar per muffin, paired with protein (peanut butter, turkey patty, etc), it will help negate some of the excess sugars. Cinnamon raisin bagel thins have LESS sugar than regular bagel thins, or even the sandwich thins. Laughing cow as a "lite strawberry" cream cheese that have >1g of sugar per wedge. (So there's my sweet snack with a handful of almonds). Rye bread, for the most part, has very low sugar. Russian rye is the one we tried, it looks like white bread with a slightly different hint of something in it. There's a 10 grain bread that has 2 g of sugar per slice. OH the best find was South Beach Diet Multigrain Tortillas. They have less than 1g of sugar per tortilla. Been making a lot of wraps and sandwiches out of them. And they are REALLY really good!! I have only been able to find them at HEB so far. And don't let McDonalds fool you into thinking you're getting an actual wheat bun. That stupid bun on that sandwich (grilled chicken) sent my numbers THROUGH the roof. I was very very disappointed. Basically the only thing I can eat at almost ANY fast food restaurant is a salad, with grilled chicken, no fancy smanchy salad with tortillas, or corn, or added sauces, a plain ole salad with dressing (a carefully chosen dressing). And I can make a much better tasting one at home to be quite honest. Chic-fil-a. You're strips are amazing. Your original chicken sandwich is to die for. Your fries rock my socks off. But your grilled chicken salad sucks. Just. Saying.
My will power has increased like 1000 fold. I literally HAD to get rid of all the sweets, the breads, the cookies, etc (I kept all my baking stuff b/c I will still bake for others, just not myself). All the frozen stuff I loved to eat as a lunch. The chips. The snack bars (that laughably are advertised as granola, Ha!). It.all.had.to.go. Because I knew, that if I saw it, and I had a choice between it and something else, I would choose it. Especially in the middle of the night when I am not 100% awake and snacking. And the first two weeks, yes, we hard. I took Ethan to McDonalds for mommy and me the first week, and found out that I really can't eat McD's b/c of how it messes with my numbers. And Kris has a fantastic chic fil a strips and fries and soda right in front of me, and I was miserable eating their gross salad. But I stuck to it. I have save so much money not going through sonic or mcdonalds in the morning for sweet tea or coke. Today, at mommy and me at McD's, we smuggled in a lunchable, and I bought Ethan a fruit and yogurt parfait and a cup a water. And not once was I tempted to eat any of his stuff. Sarah had french fries in front of me last week. It really didn't bother me. My mouth didn't even water. Was I hungry, yes, I was, for that? I am not sure. Probably not. If I had eaten it, I prob would have not been satisfied, and then sick feeling on top of it. And I baked the other day before my midwife appt and I did not ONCE try a cookie. Because I knew that they had enough sugar in them to make me have to test my sugar, and I really dislike pricking my fingers.
There's so much I have learned. I could probably go on and on and on and on. but I won't I think I will end here...
Friday, February 8, 2013
It's been a while
It's been a while since I blogged. Truly blogged. I have another blog that is private for my children, for things that I want them to remember, but I have slacked off on that one too. It feels like I have been slacking off a lot in my life lately. I don't know what the deal is. Mostly I think it is the pregnancy hormones and settling into life and just getting on "cruise".
I have so many thoughts running through my head and I am not sure where to start. This is the result of not blogging, or even writing. Because writing releases it too. So bear with me. Because I fear, naught, I know, that this is going to be a lengthy one.
First, let me start out with thoughts on this pregnancy. It's pretty hard to think of anything else for long periods of time when: 1) you have to pee every hour, 2) this little girl loves to shift, and not so much kick, just shift, and it's really not that comfortable 3) I am carrying her so low that when I stand up I sometimes have the feeling she's using my bladder as a pillow, yet there's still a LOT of room to go up top, and it makes me waddle 4) I look in the mirror and I see this ball under my shirt (and I have lost sight of some body parts too) 5) I cannot lay on my back without my legs starting to jump uncontrollably 6) I cannot sit for long periods of time because she's so low that it hurts my pelvic floor and lately I have had this really annoying pain in my upper back on the side she is predominately laying on, so I reckon she's on a nerve 7) charlie horses wake me up every night, almost in tears 8) bending down is a joke, and it's probably quite comical too (I am thankful for a midget running around to hand me stuff) 9) I have butter fingers so bad that #8 becomes a question of how important is it to pick it up (in reference to this, in one day, I broke a pitcher with the jar of peanut butter, broke the lid on the jar of peanut butter, and managed to send a chip flying off my otter box phone case because I have dropped it too many times...) 10) my memory feels shot. 11) the hormones are totally messing with my moods, and I am trying so hard to contain them, but I actually cried last week (it was only the third time Kris has seen or heard me cry in over 8 years, I take that back, fifth, but the other two times were due to pain from surgeries and recovery, they are freebies) 12) I randomly breakout, worse than I ever did the entire time I was going through puberty. I am sure this list could go on. And I have 11 more weeks to go (on average). There's so much more. So much. I often wander if this baby only hears me yelling at Ethan, my temper feels so short. I know I did yell, and Kris and I had some arguments when I was pregnant with Ethan, but no where near as much as I feel I do with her. Will she come out thinking her mama is a hot head, and you better learn quick to duck and cover, and keep your mouth shut? Or will she be able to experience the loving voice I was able to bestow upon Ethan for so very long, before he started becoming a defiant little thing and arguing, and not listening, and disobeying, and being rude and mean. Lord I hope so. I am pretty sure I am screwing my children up. I just pray God will intervene some where and help us lead them down the narrow and righteous path.
This pregnancy reminds me of really bad PMS. For many years, actually, most of my reproductive life, I have been on birth control pills. And it regulated when and how long my cycles would be. Most of the time my emotions were pretty in check. There have been several times a year tho, that the emotions get really bad. It's almost like the devil snuck in with the placebo. Thoughts would run through my head like "I don't have any friends", "I want to hang out with someone, but I would just be a burden and honestly, they don't really like me any way", "I am the worse wife possible, how can Kris manage to stay with me another day", "I really hate my job", "I just want to go back to sleep because everything is making me so sad right now", and then a couple days later, all those weird feelings and blues would be gone. And I had to tell myself every time I got those feelings that this too shall pass. That's kind of what this pregnancy has been like on and off. Those exact thoughts have ran through my head, multiple times, about multiple circumstances and people. I have had dreams where I felt like an outsider with people who I thought were friends, and they didn't hide the fact that they didn't want me there, and I would wake up wandering if that's how it truly is and I just can't see it. Am I that annoying girl in high school that just doesn't get it, that no one likes her, yet she won't stop hanging out, or trying so hard that its gets almost sickening?? And I have gotten the impression from people that I either interrupted something or I am annoying them. But is it just the emotions on hyper drive and I am reading too much into it? Will it go away in a few days?? It's made me question a few good many things in life. And I don't want to burn bridges when in a few short months I will realize how wrong I was and wish for a way across again. So I just grit my teeth and distance myself for a while. It makes me sad tho. I know that Kris doesn't need a lot of friends. He seems pretty content with family, and work relationships, and some people he keeps at arms length. But I need more than that. I really need him, and about three really good girlfriends that I can hang out with, confess those secret thoughts to, and lean on. And right now I only have one, and I fear I smother her. So in fear of ruining our friendship through smothering, I often find myself not calling or texting her to see what she's doing. My other good friend just moved away, and it's pretty hard to hang out with someone who is like half the Continent away. I do have a fantastic relationship with a friend in North Texas via text messaging and facebook, which is kind of strange for me, because I usually loose long distance friendship without being able to hang out with that person and have face time, its just a proven fact with me, but I am so blessed to have her. We can not talk for a week, and then pick up where we left off, but I hate going a week without talking to her. It's more like every day, at the least every third day and that includes the weekend. So I just have days that feel like "baby blues", and it's really hard to explain. They usually clear up the next day, but they leave niggling little thoughts in my brain about the value some other people I hold very high hold me. I don't want to make someone in my life a priority if I am going to be like #20 to them. What kind of sense does that make?
I have also had struggles the last week with accepting that I need to change my diet. I was consuming far too much sugar. A coke or sweet tea almost every day, candy here and there throughout the day, ice cream twice a week, lots of bread, lots of sweets (baked goods, sweet spreads on my toast, brown sugar on my squash, sweet barbecue sauces on my foods, a LOT of fruit, which is high in sugar, the list goes on and on). And I don't think I failed my gestational diabetes test because I actually have gestational diabetes. I think I failed it because I had bariatric surgery 5 years ago and my body literally CANNOT handle the consumption of that much sugar in one sitting, which will mimic the results of GD. What happens is called dumping syndrome. Ask any person who has had the surgery, or just go look it up. From what I understand, this is how it happens. A normal stomach is large, with stomach acids always sitting in the bottom. When a person eats something sweet, or consumes a lot of sweets, the "reseviour" has a lot of room to fill up. These sweets get diluted by the stomach acids, but too much may still make us feel sick to our stomachs. So when the "sugar" hits the small intestine, where absorption into the blood stream starts, it's diluted to the point that the body can handle it. Your pancreas will produce more insulin if it detects too high of sugar in your blood. Maybe just a little more in a normal person. If you don't work off those extra sweets, it'll turn into fat. Okay, in a bariatric patient, our stomachs are much smaller, and often rerouted or parts removed that aid in stomach acid production (in my case, the part of my stomach that signals acid production was removed, so I have no "trigger" telling the other part of my stomach to produce acid, therefore I literally do not have, nor will I really ever, have true acid issues). So when the sweets hit, the reseviour is so small, it gets filled up fast, and it pushes through to the small intestine. Because it isn't diluted, it causes a spike in glucose in my blood. My pancreas detects this and "dumps" a massive amount of insulin in my blood to break down the glucose and bring my blood sugar back to normal. The problem is that it produces so much so fast trying to rectify the situation, that I get too MUCH insulin in my blood, causing my blood sugar to drop below what is normal. How I feel is this: Mmm sweets. Ugh, I feel uncomfortable now (start of the push into the intestine). I feel hot, shaky, nauseous thirsty, and thick tongued now. (glucose too high) I think I am going to throw up (and if I don't, my body pushes out everything I just ate so fast that it's painful diarrhea and cramping for 30 minutes, as in in a ball, almost crying, cramping) (massive drop of insulin). Now that that is over, I feel shaky, muddle headed, unable to focus, disconnected with my body, sick to my stomach again (and I need to eat something immediately. (massive drop of glucose in blood, sometimes I can almost pass out). Often, what I choose is something like a nutragrain bar and a cup of milk, which sometimes, very rarely, will start the process over again...). So when I drank that sugary GD drink, on an empty stomach, what exactly did they expect to happen?? Yes, I failed my GD test. Do I actually have GD? Most likely not. HOWEVER, because I was consuming so much sugar, my BARIATRIC side of my body was still reacting the same exact way. So, it is probably best that I just follow the diet, and go with the flow, and protect my baby and myself from the harmful effects, JUST IN CASE I ACTUALLY DO HAVE IT. The hard part has been, well every part of it. It has been accepting that I need to change. That I actually have a problem in the first place. That I am not normal, nor will I ever be able to have a normal pregnancy where I am allowed ice cream (and shame on my doctor with Ethan for never ever giving me ANY nutritional advice... I mean really? none??). That the things I was allowing myself to eat very possibly are harming my baby because it sure isn't giving me any nutrients to loose everything I ate before my body has a change to absorb it. And God designed our bodies magnificently That during pregnancy, what the baby doesn't get through your diet in nutrients, they will steal from your body (bones, muscles, hair, teeth, yes, they will take it all if you aren't careful). And for someone with absorption issues (b/c of the small reserviour and the lack of acids to break down the foods, etc), that means that not only will I eventually rob my body of the vital things it needs to function, I will eventually start robbing my baby, maybe not this one, but surely the next. This HAS to become a life style change for me. It HAS to become the way we eat. That I eat much much more protein than anything else (peanuts, almonds, protein shakes, hemp seeds, meat, etc), and then veggies, and whole grains if I can find any that won't affect my blood sugar so much, and then lastly fruits. My favorite. Eventually my taste buds will change. I know this as a fact. Many months of following weight watchers and then eating something I never allowed myself b/c of it's points cost, taught me that those foods were actually really nasty, and not satisfying at all. I am just NOT wanting to give up the ice cream, or give up the french fries and cheese burgers, or give up the cake, brownies, cookies and milk. Will I? Yes. Will I most likely hate it? 100%. Ask me in 5 years (if I am able to actually maintain the diet), how much easier it is. It might not be ANY easier. Maybe it won't be a thought at all at the point. Right now, it's all I think about, because it ties into my pregnancy. I constantly feel hungry, but I never want to eat, because it isn't what I really want. What I want is a big mac and french fries loaded with ketchup and a coke from McDonalds. What I want is the subway sub with the bread I like. What I want is a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. What I want is chocolate milk to wash it down. What I want is a bag of doritos with my tuna salad sandwich. I do not want that stupid wrap with less than 1 g of sugar, with nothing crunchy to go along with it (chips), and nothing sweet to wash it down (tea/coke/even a flavored water for goodness sakes!!). I don't want to have to try new recipes, and fail at them, and learn to cook almost all over again, because a lot of recipes take tweaking to personal preference. There is not such thing as convenient food any more. Because every fast food place is pretty much off limits unless I want a salad, and no, I don't want any more salads. No more donuts at church, no more taking Ethan for a treat once in a while. I didn't even get to try a bite of Kris' birthday cake. You know how sad that makes me?? Now, my midwife is VERY sympathetic, because she had the surgery 10 years ago, and she knows that struggle I am going through, its a battle for her too. She's allowed me a cheat day for Kris' birthday (I am using it tomorrow, Saturday, when we go together and we can eat whatever we want, I still have to document and test my blood sugar, but she'll "overlook" my numbers that day) and she said for Easter Sunday, but we don't ever really do anything special for that meal, so I am thinking, baby shower?
My goodness this blog is long. But do you know how much better I feel? Probably not, if you made it this far you are probably tired of hearing me whine and cry and "oh pitiful me". So on the positives, my midwife is still continuing my care, which is vitally important to me, I can't wait to show the primary midwife when I go in how awesome my numbers are. And with a lot of supplementing, my blood work should be back up soon. Do I WANT to go see the specialist again? No, I do not. Only because I fear he'll yank my care from them to him, and he doesn't understand the way my midwife does. So that scares me. Do I want my baby to be healthy and born with as much ease as possible. Absolutely. So that will trump anything any day. I am glad to have Ethan the age he is, because he understands so much. Getting him into the car is a breeze. He opens the door himself, he sits down himself, yes I still buckle him in but it's for mommies peace of mind. He is super self sufficient. He has gotten down the peanut butter before and gotten out a spoon and went to town. He's able to reach the fruit on the counters, open the fridge and find something to eat. He has even almost mastered wiping his own behind (still checking behind him on that...). He can take a bath like a pro, even wash himself (mommy helps more than daddy, daddy walks him through it, mommy finds it faster to just do it herself). He can put on his cloths, he's learned that the tags go in the back, he can put on his own socks and shoes, and jacket (zippering is still a challenge, so are the complicated velcro shoes we got him for Christmas, by george tho, he never takes those shoes off!!), he can cover himself with his own blankets when he's cold, and tries to brush his own teeth. He can open doors (which mama has been working on for him to be a gentleman, plus that way if I have baby in hand he can help with that), and he likes to help at the grocery store. Overall, I think this is the BEST age to have another baby. Any sooner and we would have issues. Double diaper issues, carrying issues, getting dressed issues, eating issues, and the list goes on. Bills are bills, money is tight, but the Lord has provided for us, and I have faith that whatever he holds in our future is what he deems what we can handle. So I am going to sign off there... at the end of this very long winded blog. Thanking God for all the has done, and I am relying on him that he would never give us more than we could handle.
I have so many thoughts running through my head and I am not sure where to start. This is the result of not blogging, or even writing. Because writing releases it too. So bear with me. Because I fear, naught, I know, that this is going to be a lengthy one.
First, let me start out with thoughts on this pregnancy. It's pretty hard to think of anything else for long periods of time when: 1) you have to pee every hour, 2) this little girl loves to shift, and not so much kick, just shift, and it's really not that comfortable 3) I am carrying her so low that when I stand up I sometimes have the feeling she's using my bladder as a pillow, yet there's still a LOT of room to go up top, and it makes me waddle 4) I look in the mirror and I see this ball under my shirt (and I have lost sight of some body parts too) 5) I cannot lay on my back without my legs starting to jump uncontrollably 6) I cannot sit for long periods of time because she's so low that it hurts my pelvic floor and lately I have had this really annoying pain in my upper back on the side she is predominately laying on, so I reckon she's on a nerve 7) charlie horses wake me up every night, almost in tears 8) bending down is a joke, and it's probably quite comical too (I am thankful for a midget running around to hand me stuff) 9) I have butter fingers so bad that #8 becomes a question of how important is it to pick it up (in reference to this, in one day, I broke a pitcher with the jar of peanut butter, broke the lid on the jar of peanut butter, and managed to send a chip flying off my otter box phone case because I have dropped it too many times...) 10) my memory feels shot. 11) the hormones are totally messing with my moods, and I am trying so hard to contain them, but I actually cried last week (it was only the third time Kris has seen or heard me cry in over 8 years, I take that back, fifth, but the other two times were due to pain from surgeries and recovery, they are freebies) 12) I randomly breakout, worse than I ever did the entire time I was going through puberty. I am sure this list could go on. And I have 11 more weeks to go (on average). There's so much more. So much. I often wander if this baby only hears me yelling at Ethan, my temper feels so short. I know I did yell, and Kris and I had some arguments when I was pregnant with Ethan, but no where near as much as I feel I do with her. Will she come out thinking her mama is a hot head, and you better learn quick to duck and cover, and keep your mouth shut? Or will she be able to experience the loving voice I was able to bestow upon Ethan for so very long, before he started becoming a defiant little thing and arguing, and not listening, and disobeying, and being rude and mean. Lord I hope so. I am pretty sure I am screwing my children up. I just pray God will intervene some where and help us lead them down the narrow and righteous path.
This pregnancy reminds me of really bad PMS. For many years, actually, most of my reproductive life, I have been on birth control pills. And it regulated when and how long my cycles would be. Most of the time my emotions were pretty in check. There have been several times a year tho, that the emotions get really bad. It's almost like the devil snuck in with the placebo. Thoughts would run through my head like "I don't have any friends", "I want to hang out with someone, but I would just be a burden and honestly, they don't really like me any way", "I am the worse wife possible, how can Kris manage to stay with me another day", "I really hate my job", "I just want to go back to sleep because everything is making me so sad right now", and then a couple days later, all those weird feelings and blues would be gone. And I had to tell myself every time I got those feelings that this too shall pass. That's kind of what this pregnancy has been like on and off. Those exact thoughts have ran through my head, multiple times, about multiple circumstances and people. I have had dreams where I felt like an outsider with people who I thought were friends, and they didn't hide the fact that they didn't want me there, and I would wake up wandering if that's how it truly is and I just can't see it. Am I that annoying girl in high school that just doesn't get it, that no one likes her, yet she won't stop hanging out, or trying so hard that its gets almost sickening?? And I have gotten the impression from people that I either interrupted something or I am annoying them. But is it just the emotions on hyper drive and I am reading too much into it? Will it go away in a few days?? It's made me question a few good many things in life. And I don't want to burn bridges when in a few short months I will realize how wrong I was and wish for a way across again. So I just grit my teeth and distance myself for a while. It makes me sad tho. I know that Kris doesn't need a lot of friends. He seems pretty content with family, and work relationships, and some people he keeps at arms length. But I need more than that. I really need him, and about three really good girlfriends that I can hang out with, confess those secret thoughts to, and lean on. And right now I only have one, and I fear I smother her. So in fear of ruining our friendship through smothering, I often find myself not calling or texting her to see what she's doing. My other good friend just moved away, and it's pretty hard to hang out with someone who is like half the Continent away. I do have a fantastic relationship with a friend in North Texas via text messaging and facebook, which is kind of strange for me, because I usually loose long distance friendship without being able to hang out with that person and have face time, its just a proven fact with me, but I am so blessed to have her. We can not talk for a week, and then pick up where we left off, but I hate going a week without talking to her. It's more like every day, at the least every third day and that includes the weekend. So I just have days that feel like "baby blues", and it's really hard to explain. They usually clear up the next day, but they leave niggling little thoughts in my brain about the value some other people I hold very high hold me. I don't want to make someone in my life a priority if I am going to be like #20 to them. What kind of sense does that make?
I have also had struggles the last week with accepting that I need to change my diet. I was consuming far too much sugar. A coke or sweet tea almost every day, candy here and there throughout the day, ice cream twice a week, lots of bread, lots of sweets (baked goods, sweet spreads on my toast, brown sugar on my squash, sweet barbecue sauces on my foods, a LOT of fruit, which is high in sugar, the list goes on and on). And I don't think I failed my gestational diabetes test because I actually have gestational diabetes. I think I failed it because I had bariatric surgery 5 years ago and my body literally CANNOT handle the consumption of that much sugar in one sitting, which will mimic the results of GD. What happens is called dumping syndrome. Ask any person who has had the surgery, or just go look it up. From what I understand, this is how it happens. A normal stomach is large, with stomach acids always sitting in the bottom. When a person eats something sweet, or consumes a lot of sweets, the "reseviour" has a lot of room to fill up. These sweets get diluted by the stomach acids, but too much may still make us feel sick to our stomachs. So when the "sugar" hits the small intestine, where absorption into the blood stream starts, it's diluted to the point that the body can handle it. Your pancreas will produce more insulin if it detects too high of sugar in your blood. Maybe just a little more in a normal person. If you don't work off those extra sweets, it'll turn into fat. Okay, in a bariatric patient, our stomachs are much smaller, and often rerouted or parts removed that aid in stomach acid production (in my case, the part of my stomach that signals acid production was removed, so I have no "trigger" telling the other part of my stomach to produce acid, therefore I literally do not have, nor will I really ever, have true acid issues). So when the sweets hit, the reseviour is so small, it gets filled up fast, and it pushes through to the small intestine. Because it isn't diluted, it causes a spike in glucose in my blood. My pancreas detects this and "dumps" a massive amount of insulin in my blood to break down the glucose and bring my blood sugar back to normal. The problem is that it produces so much so fast trying to rectify the situation, that I get too MUCH insulin in my blood, causing my blood sugar to drop below what is normal. How I feel is this: Mmm sweets. Ugh, I feel uncomfortable now (start of the push into the intestine). I feel hot, shaky, nauseous thirsty, and thick tongued now. (glucose too high) I think I am going to throw up (and if I don't, my body pushes out everything I just ate so fast that it's painful diarrhea and cramping for 30 minutes, as in in a ball, almost crying, cramping) (massive drop of insulin). Now that that is over, I feel shaky, muddle headed, unable to focus, disconnected with my body, sick to my stomach again (and I need to eat something immediately. (massive drop of glucose in blood, sometimes I can almost pass out). Often, what I choose is something like a nutragrain bar and a cup of milk, which sometimes, very rarely, will start the process over again...). So when I drank that sugary GD drink, on an empty stomach, what exactly did they expect to happen?? Yes, I failed my GD test. Do I actually have GD? Most likely not. HOWEVER, because I was consuming so much sugar, my BARIATRIC side of my body was still reacting the same exact way. So, it is probably best that I just follow the diet, and go with the flow, and protect my baby and myself from the harmful effects, JUST IN CASE I ACTUALLY DO HAVE IT. The hard part has been, well every part of it. It has been accepting that I need to change. That I actually have a problem in the first place. That I am not normal, nor will I ever be able to have a normal pregnancy where I am allowed ice cream (and shame on my doctor with Ethan for never ever giving me ANY nutritional advice... I mean really? none??). That the things I was allowing myself to eat very possibly are harming my baby because it sure isn't giving me any nutrients to loose everything I ate before my body has a change to absorb it. And God designed our bodies magnificently That during pregnancy, what the baby doesn't get through your diet in nutrients, they will steal from your body (bones, muscles, hair, teeth, yes, they will take it all if you aren't careful). And for someone with absorption issues (b/c of the small reserviour and the lack of acids to break down the foods, etc), that means that not only will I eventually rob my body of the vital things it needs to function, I will eventually start robbing my baby, maybe not this one, but surely the next. This HAS to become a life style change for me. It HAS to become the way we eat. That I eat much much more protein than anything else (peanuts, almonds, protein shakes, hemp seeds, meat, etc), and then veggies, and whole grains if I can find any that won't affect my blood sugar so much, and then lastly fruits. My favorite. Eventually my taste buds will change. I know this as a fact. Many months of following weight watchers and then eating something I never allowed myself b/c of it's points cost, taught me that those foods were actually really nasty, and not satisfying at all. I am just NOT wanting to give up the ice cream, or give up the french fries and cheese burgers, or give up the cake, brownies, cookies and milk. Will I? Yes. Will I most likely hate it? 100%. Ask me in 5 years (if I am able to actually maintain the diet), how much easier it is. It might not be ANY easier. Maybe it won't be a thought at all at the point. Right now, it's all I think about, because it ties into my pregnancy. I constantly feel hungry, but I never want to eat, because it isn't what I really want. What I want is a big mac and french fries loaded with ketchup and a coke from McDonalds. What I want is the subway sub with the bread I like. What I want is a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. What I want is chocolate milk to wash it down. What I want is a bag of doritos with my tuna salad sandwich. I do not want that stupid wrap with less than 1 g of sugar, with nothing crunchy to go along with it (chips), and nothing sweet to wash it down (tea/coke/even a flavored water for goodness sakes!!). I don't want to have to try new recipes, and fail at them, and learn to cook almost all over again, because a lot of recipes take tweaking to personal preference. There is not such thing as convenient food any more. Because every fast food place is pretty much off limits unless I want a salad, and no, I don't want any more salads. No more donuts at church, no more taking Ethan for a treat once in a while. I didn't even get to try a bite of Kris' birthday cake. You know how sad that makes me?? Now, my midwife is VERY sympathetic, because she had the surgery 10 years ago, and she knows that struggle I am going through, its a battle for her too. She's allowed me a cheat day for Kris' birthday (I am using it tomorrow, Saturday, when we go together and we can eat whatever we want, I still have to document and test my blood sugar, but she'll "overlook" my numbers that day) and she said for Easter Sunday, but we don't ever really do anything special for that meal, so I am thinking, baby shower?
My goodness this blog is long. But do you know how much better I feel? Probably not, if you made it this far you are probably tired of hearing me whine and cry and "oh pitiful me". So on the positives, my midwife is still continuing my care, which is vitally important to me, I can't wait to show the primary midwife when I go in how awesome my numbers are. And with a lot of supplementing, my blood work should be back up soon. Do I WANT to go see the specialist again? No, I do not. Only because I fear he'll yank my care from them to him, and he doesn't understand the way my midwife does. So that scares me. Do I want my baby to be healthy and born with as much ease as possible. Absolutely. So that will trump anything any day. I am glad to have Ethan the age he is, because he understands so much. Getting him into the car is a breeze. He opens the door himself, he sits down himself, yes I still buckle him in but it's for mommies peace of mind. He is super self sufficient. He has gotten down the peanut butter before and gotten out a spoon and went to town. He's able to reach the fruit on the counters, open the fridge and find something to eat. He has even almost mastered wiping his own behind (still checking behind him on that...). He can take a bath like a pro, even wash himself (mommy helps more than daddy, daddy walks him through it, mommy finds it faster to just do it herself). He can put on his cloths, he's learned that the tags go in the back, he can put on his own socks and shoes, and jacket (zippering is still a challenge, so are the complicated velcro shoes we got him for Christmas, by george tho, he never takes those shoes off!!), he can cover himself with his own blankets when he's cold, and tries to brush his own teeth. He can open doors (which mama has been working on for him to be a gentleman, plus that way if I have baby in hand he can help with that), and he likes to help at the grocery store. Overall, I think this is the BEST age to have another baby. Any sooner and we would have issues. Double diaper issues, carrying issues, getting dressed issues, eating issues, and the list goes on. Bills are bills, money is tight, but the Lord has provided for us, and I have faith that whatever he holds in our future is what he deems what we can handle. So I am going to sign off there... at the end of this very long winded blog. Thanking God for all the has done, and I am relying on him that he would never give us more than we could handle.
Friday, January 25, 2013
40 weeks. Is it 9 months or 10 months?
CAUTION TO THOSE WHO WILL EMBARK ON READING THIS. There is a lot, and I mean A LOT of numbers in here, along with some math, so just be warned ye mateys!
Call me a math geek. Yes. That would be accurate. Often I think of numbers in my head (and try to figure out silently if we were traveling 70 mph how long would it take in minutes for us to pass a mile [for all you who want the answer, if we're going 70 miles per hour, that would be 70 mph/60 min per hour = 1.66 miles per minute. Yes, I used a calculator, but I have been known to be sitting in the passenger seat thinking of this answer, not using the calculator. Like the one time I was on a plane and they said they reached their cruising speed (I cannot remember how fast, lets just say 250mph, I actually pulled out a piece of paper to figure out how fast we were going.] I can't help it. I constantly think in numbers. Or something of the sorts. Like making diapers with my friend a week ago, I couldn't help but try to figure out that if we use so many more of the male ends of the snaps than the female ends of snaps in so many diapers, would we be able to have enough if we switched using more female ends of snaps to male ends of snaps to make more diapers?? And I am sure my mind logic made no sense to her when I tried to explain it. It took me like four times trying to explain it in different ways for her to see, and it has NOTHING to do with her not getting it, it has to do with my ability to explain things.
So this has been buzzing in my head the past few days. A few years back, I had a friend explain to me why 40 weeks of pregnancy was NOT 10 month. She pulled out a calendar and counted the weeks to prove it. Ever since then, when I see someone post something about the longest 10 months, I fight the urge to correct them. Because logically I can see her point. But for my math mind, I actually HAD to go a step further in order to be 100% convinced. So it kind of made a little math problem for me to solve. Yes, I am out of college. And no, I have no reason to do math, but I just can't help myself! So here's my logic. I hope I can convey it clearly to the non-math people out there, and to get it out of my head because it is driving me NUTS!
Okay, so logically, we all think that each month is 4 weeks long. That would tell us that 40 weeks of pregnancy / 4 weeks per month is 10 months. But we're forgetting something vital here. If each week is only 7 days, and we assume each month is only 4 weeks, that would mean each month is only 28 days. Well we all know that the only month that is 28 days is February (except on leap year of course). That would mean technically that 11 months out of the year have an average of 2.5 days extra (some have 2, some have 3). Technically, 7 out of the 12 months have 31 days (Jan, Mar, May, Jul, Aug, Oct, Dec), and 4 out of 12 have 30 (Apr, Jun, Sep, Nov). Which means percentage wise, 63% (7/11) of the remaining months have 31 days, 37% (4/11) have 30 days. So the 2.5 extra days a month is actually a low ball number. (Technically, if each month was 4 weeks long, we would only have 336 days a year (4*7*12), and since we have 365, that's an extra 29 days (365-336), if we spread that out as equally as possible through each month, except Feb, that would be 2.63 (29/11) days extra a month). Okay, that being said, we now know that its obvious that we cannot count 40 weeks at 10 month, but how do we come down to 9 months??
There's several ways to go about it. I want to go over all that I can think of because sometimes one explanation doesn't make sense while another does. So just numbers. 9 months times 28 days per month = 252 days. 2.63 average days extra a month times 9 months = 23.67 extra days. 23.67 plus 252 = 275.67 days. 275.67 divided 7 days a week = 39.38 weeks. The off days actually has to do with those months that have 31 days versus 30 days (because we all remember when the teacher used to use a curve, and the people who scored low brought DOWN the average). Viola. 40 weeks.
Another way to explain this. Logically if there are 7 days a week, and we count 40 weeks of pregnancy, that's 280 days of pregnancy. If there are 365 days a year, that would mean we have left 85 days out of the year we aren't pregnant. If we assume that we are pregnant 10 months out of the year, that would mean that the last two months of the year have to be 42.5 days long (85/2). That's not right! But if we assume we are pregnant 9 months out of the year, that would leave us with 3 months left, which would average 28.3 days per month left (85/3). That's closer, but still not completely right. Again, the difference is because of the 31 days being more than half of the year in months, 30 days being only 1/3 of the year, and 28 days being only one month.
Let's look at the months for those who find that easier. Let's say for arguments sake that you have the first day of your period on January 1st. Every woman is different in their cycle length, but it is generally assumed that it is about 7 days (from start to finish, and then another 8-14 days after that before you even ovulate). Because it is quite difficult for most women to know the exact day they ovulate, and even more difficult to know the exact day of fertilization, almost all practitioners will use the first day of your last menstrual cycle to calculate your due date. But obviously, you aren't pregnant. For at least the menstrual part of the cycle. So add a week to your LMP (last menstrual period), and now we are at Jan 8.
Jan-31 days
Feb-28 days
Mar-31 days
Apr-30 days
May-31 days
June-30 days
July-31 days
Aug-31 days
Sept-30 days
-------------
273 days + the 7 days of your cycle = 280 days. 280 days / 7 days a week = 40 weeks. Hello!!!
Don't believe my math? Here's a few website that will help you
http://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/calculating-due-date.aspx#
http://www.ehow.com/how_6935820_calculate-due-date-backwards.html
http://health.discovery.com/tools/calculators/pregnancy/pregnancy.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naegele's_rule
So there you have it. You AREN'T pregnant 10 months, you're only pregnant 9 months. Okay, I feel better now!!
Call me a math geek. Yes. That would be accurate. Often I think of numbers in my head (and try to figure out silently if we were traveling 70 mph how long would it take in minutes for us to pass a mile [for all you who want the answer, if we're going 70 miles per hour, that would be 70 mph/60 min per hour = 1.66 miles per minute. Yes, I used a calculator, but I have been known to be sitting in the passenger seat thinking of this answer, not using the calculator. Like the one time I was on a plane and they said they reached their cruising speed (I cannot remember how fast, lets just say 250mph, I actually pulled out a piece of paper to figure out how fast we were going.] I can't help it. I constantly think in numbers. Or something of the sorts. Like making diapers with my friend a week ago, I couldn't help but try to figure out that if we use so many more of the male ends of the snaps than the female ends of snaps in so many diapers, would we be able to have enough if we switched using more female ends of snaps to male ends of snaps to make more diapers?? And I am sure my mind logic made no sense to her when I tried to explain it. It took me like four times trying to explain it in different ways for her to see, and it has NOTHING to do with her not getting it, it has to do with my ability to explain things.
So this has been buzzing in my head the past few days. A few years back, I had a friend explain to me why 40 weeks of pregnancy was NOT 10 month. She pulled out a calendar and counted the weeks to prove it. Ever since then, when I see someone post something about the longest 10 months, I fight the urge to correct them. Because logically I can see her point. But for my math mind, I actually HAD to go a step further in order to be 100% convinced. So it kind of made a little math problem for me to solve. Yes, I am out of college. And no, I have no reason to do math, but I just can't help myself! So here's my logic. I hope I can convey it clearly to the non-math people out there, and to get it out of my head because it is driving me NUTS!
Okay, so logically, we all think that each month is 4 weeks long. That would tell us that 40 weeks of pregnancy / 4 weeks per month is 10 months. But we're forgetting something vital here. If each week is only 7 days, and we assume each month is only 4 weeks, that would mean each month is only 28 days. Well we all know that the only month that is 28 days is February (except on leap year of course). That would mean technically that 11 months out of the year have an average of 2.5 days extra (some have 2, some have 3). Technically, 7 out of the 12 months have 31 days (Jan, Mar, May, Jul, Aug, Oct, Dec), and 4 out of 12 have 30 (Apr, Jun, Sep, Nov). Which means percentage wise, 63% (7/11) of the remaining months have 31 days, 37% (4/11) have 30 days. So the 2.5 extra days a month is actually a low ball number. (Technically, if each month was 4 weeks long, we would only have 336 days a year (4*7*12), and since we have 365, that's an extra 29 days (365-336), if we spread that out as equally as possible through each month, except Feb, that would be 2.63 (29/11) days extra a month). Okay, that being said, we now know that its obvious that we cannot count 40 weeks at 10 month, but how do we come down to 9 months??
There's several ways to go about it. I want to go over all that I can think of because sometimes one explanation doesn't make sense while another does. So just numbers. 9 months times 28 days per month = 252 days. 2.63 average days extra a month times 9 months = 23.67 extra days. 23.67 plus 252 = 275.67 days. 275.67 divided 7 days a week = 39.38 weeks. The off days actually has to do with those months that have 31 days versus 30 days (because we all remember when the teacher used to use a curve, and the people who scored low brought DOWN the average). Viola. 40 weeks.
Another way to explain this. Logically if there are 7 days a week, and we count 40 weeks of pregnancy, that's 280 days of pregnancy. If there are 365 days a year, that would mean we have left 85 days out of the year we aren't pregnant. If we assume that we are pregnant 10 months out of the year, that would mean that the last two months of the year have to be 42.5 days long (85/2). That's not right! But if we assume we are pregnant 9 months out of the year, that would leave us with 3 months left, which would average 28.3 days per month left (85/3). That's closer, but still not completely right. Again, the difference is because of the 31 days being more than half of the year in months, 30 days being only 1/3 of the year, and 28 days being only one month.
Let's look at the months for those who find that easier. Let's say for arguments sake that you have the first day of your period on January 1st. Every woman is different in their cycle length, but it is generally assumed that it is about 7 days (from start to finish, and then another 8-14 days after that before you even ovulate). Because it is quite difficult for most women to know the exact day they ovulate, and even more difficult to know the exact day of fertilization, almost all practitioners will use the first day of your last menstrual cycle to calculate your due date. But obviously, you aren't pregnant. For at least the menstrual part of the cycle. So add a week to your LMP (last menstrual period), and now we are at Jan 8.
Jan-31 days
Feb-28 days
Mar-31 days
Apr-30 days
May-31 days
June-30 days
July-31 days
Aug-31 days
Sept-30 days
-------------
273 days + the 7 days of your cycle = 280 days. 280 days / 7 days a week = 40 weeks. Hello!!!
Don't believe my math? Here's a few website that will help you
http://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/calculating-due-date.aspx#
http://www.ehow.com/how_6935820_calculate-due-date-backwards.html
http://health.discovery.com/tools/calculators/pregnancy/pregnancy.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naegele's_rule
So there you have it. You AREN'T pregnant 10 months, you're only pregnant 9 months. Okay, I feel better now!!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Begging to Believing
Our pastor has an excellent sermon on Sunday that really hit me home. He preached on begging God for his blessings. That it really isn't showing our faith in God and his willingness to bless his children because if we keep asking, keep begging, keep whining, he starts to think, as we often do as parents, "baby, if you ask me one more time! Goodness! Why don't you believe me? I said I would!" How right is that?? He said what you do is you ask God for what you want, then you immediately turn that into believing by thanking him for giving it to you, for making it happen.
How this hit home to me is it really opened my eyes about our housing situation. Many know, some may not, that our property manager asked that if we wanted to get out of our lease early, they would allow it without any reletting/termination fees because they need our apartment for the neighbors (who happens to also be the only maintenance guy on property) and his growing family. Apparently they are going to put a doorway between our apts so that way he has a whole extra apartment. Apparently. Well, we had already decided that we were going to move at the end of our lease any way, we really had wanted to move in June when our lease was up but I had not been able to save up enough money due to selling the house and saving up for our cruise to move. So we signed a 7 mo lease and started saving our butts off. It really did pay off. So when they asked us if we wanted to move early, we were gung-ho about it!
For those who don't live in Beeville and read my blog, this town is absolutely ridiculous in housing prices. And I really mean ridiculous! The oil field has come in with such a vengeance that you can't even book a hotel room in this town or any surrounding towns. It is darn near impossible to find an apartment. And I would have to say that all these apartments in this town, save maybe two or three, are what I would have considered the ghetto in Longview. The two or three are the newer ones. Hence the unafforable ones. I am sure that if I went and found a job, possibly even a oil field job because they really do need people in the offices etc, that we would def be able to afford more. But we have chosen to sacrifice many a things for me to stay home. Because when it is all said and done, and child care is paid for, and gas money is spent, and extra extras for workings is out there, really, all we would be bringing home extra is about $800-1000. And the time I would miss with Ethan. The things I have learned about him. The things I have been able to teach him. Seeing him grow. Seeing him mature. Seeing his nasty attitude. Having him wake up first thing in the morning and coming out to say "morning mama", and the laughs and hugs and kisses, and snuggles, and kissing booboos, and breaking up fights with friends, and scrambling for food and rewards, and cleaning up crazy messes, and wiping boogers and poopy butts, and watching the same stupid cartoon over and over, and being a personal chef, maid, chofer, nurse, disciplinarian, role model, toy fixer, clothing mender, sort of stuff, all this extra stuff is not worth missing for a lousing $800 when we can make it work otherwise. Let me set one thing straight here tho, if that $800 meant that we were eating that month, or that rent was getting paid in the first place, than you can bet your butt I would be doing that. However, since we are able to make it without the additional income, why would I miss this? I have all my older adult life to work when all my kids grow up and move out. Why would I miss it?? So, we have been really sticking to our guns about what we can and cannot afford. And everything housing wise in Beeville is in the "cannot afford" list. I mean seriously! I called a Realtor yesterday and he told me he had a 2/1 a little out of town, really nice, for $1300. Errrtttt. Stop the car! Did he just say $1300??? That is MORE than double our current rent for NOTHING more in space??????? Yea, I do not think so. And all these single guys, with no family, who are away for like 3 weeks out of the month drilling these wells, and their company pays for those stupidly high rents, are the reason that something so rinky dinky small (and prob built in 1920, no insulation, etc) is so out outrageously expensive! And that doesn't even consider that you have to pay for electricity. And have I mentioned recently how hot it is in South Texas? While all my lovely friends in other states talk about building fires, and snuggling, and wearing hoodies, and enjoying fall, did you know that today it was 90 degrees. Ugh. And last year Christmas day was 65 degrees. It got cold for a whole five minutes last year in February. Okay, maybe a bit more than five minutes. More like two weeks of I needed a good jacket, a hat, gloves, and a scarf. So that being said, do you know how much electricity costs out here? This summer, in our 823 sq ft apt, I paid an electricity bill of $187. Our 1800 sq ft house, before the brand new, energy efficient A/C, had the highest bill of $150. After that A/C, without extra insulation it dropped to $65 over the summer. No lie. Something crazy price gouging in this area is seriously happening. Wow, I think I just went off on a tangent. This is something that has had me heated up for quite some time.
There is a silver lining, there is this housing area in Beeville that used to be old military housing and when the military pulled out of beeville, several years later, some man in California bought it and turned it into rentals. It has 4/2, 3/2, 3/1.5 houses, 3/2.5, 3/1.5 town homes, 2/1 apartments, 2/1 duplexes, etc. And all the electricity is paid. The houses require the tenant to pay for water, but that isn't too bad. When you consider the houses are around 1300-1400 sq ft. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't like, the country club, these houses are old, and they sat vacant for many years before the man bought it, and they are poorly insulated, and they are drafty, and they have single pane windows, but does any of that matter if you aren't paying for electricity? And the pricing of them is really reasonable considering that they pay for electricity. the reason we did not go with them in the beginning was because we could not swing $900 in rent and $1100 in mortgage while we were trying to sell our house. Our house has been sold and gone since December. And that was barely in the nick of time (God's time, it was perfect). But now that is possible. So, I get home from visiting my mom in NC in August on a late Friday night, and Saturday morning we fill out an app online for this rental community and go to the office to see if they have anything. The just had a skip out and they let us look at it (honestly I was fine seeing it, I knew what it was going to look like afterwards, Kris, on the other hand, had a bit of a harder time seeing it for what it would be). They told us they needed our income and we emailed it to them that night. I called the following Monday to confirm they got it. After being put on hold for like 5 minutes, she found it and said it looked good. Thursday, a different lady calls me saying they still haven't gotten my hubbys income faxed in. I am like, rewind, are you guys that disorganized? I even called on Monday to confirm... She said she would look for it. I didn't hear anything back, so I called on Friday, they said they were still waiting on our rental to come in. I almost started laughing like Joker, because seriously, we're waiting on rental? We have own and sold two houses. Our credit is outstanding. We have absolutely nothing that has been even 30 days late. Not even when we sold our house. And they couldn't approve us because of rental. W.O.W. I called back the following Monday, and guess what happened? That house we were hoping to get into immediately well someone came and left money on it that weekend. Grrrr, can you talk about me being quite a bit upset. So we called back like every two to three days to check up, because apparently they don't know how to call people and tell them that something is available.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a rough, pregnancy hormone related, up and down day. I was just feeling a bit blue. Looking back, I attribute the blues feeling to hunger, because once I ate, I felt much better. Oh and surrender. I called that Realtor yesterday and I also called this homeowner to find out prices. I was feeling really ready to call it quits. Kris and I had a really big discussion that night about it. He even mentioned that maybe it was time to be looking to move out of this area if it is going to be like this. Or to buy. And both of us do not want to buy. Do not want to buy. Burned so bad these two buys, do not want to buy. Won't buy for probably another 5 years. Want a minimum of 10% to put down before we buy. But driving to pick up Ethan, I remembered what pastor was talking about on Sunday about begging. And I realized that I had been begging God to make this rental place work. Make something come available. And obviously that wasn't working begging God. So I said to him "God, I have no idea where you are taking us or where you are moving us, or when it will be, but I know you already have it established, and I am thanking you now for it. You know our situation, we cannot stay in our apt, they need it for the other family, so I thank you for taking care of our family". And I talked about it to my friend, and then it was done, until Kris and I had a pretty good conversation about it, and it wasn't a bickering conversation, it was a "I give up, I don't know what else to do" sort of deal.
This morning, my Jesus calling said to stop complaining to others. It said to take my frustrations to Jesus, because he knows my circumstances, and only he could give me the inner peace my heart was desiring, and by complaining to others, my walk in Christ was damaged. Whew. That kind of hurt. Then my women's devotional (which my bible has M-F and weekends, and I just pick some where in the bible and find the day I am on and read that related scriptures) was about putting on God's armor of protection and facing the enemy. And what piece of armor did I need now more than anything, and it immediately popped into my head, the shield of faith, because I needed to give it over to God, and even when that shield is to heavy to carry, it is big enough to crouch behind. I closed my bible and I again thanked God for my the house he was going to give us. Then I went about my day. Kris called the rental property at lunch time, and get this, they had a unit they just picked up this morning. I literally shoved food down Ethan's throat, loaded him in the car, went and got a money order (and we were running in and out of the store), and rushed over there. And God, you are amazing! The people who skipped out left this house really clean. They had to have just lived clean. Not a single blind was broken, the window sills were clean, granted the floor needed to be vacuumed and mopped and the tub was dirty, I mean, I have seen stuff absolutely revolting (in pics of move outs that I was literally amazed of how bad it was), and these people left it like they were just moving out. Even my friend was amazed how clean and not damaged it was. It was an absolute blessing. I went back to that office and you better believe I left that money on it. I thanked God yesterday and this morning, I was not going to brush off his blessings. And right now I am thanking God for getting the carpet replaced for tile flooring and getting the house ready for move in well before the 1st so we don't have to pay rent in this apartment again. I know he is a great and awesome God, and just like we desire to give our children good things, and things they want, he desires to give us the things of our heart and good things.
Matthew 7:7-11
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Remember
Do you remember where you were when you heard/saw the news of the towers crashing down? I don't think I will ever forget. I was in 11th grade, and I had just walked into my next class (if I remember correctly it was SAT Prep). All the TV's were on (rare) and it took me until the second tower was hit to understand that this was reality. Never in my life had I experienced anything so very evil, and it took me a while to understand that this wasn't some history show or something along those lines (although now it I can see it as history in the making). About 6 months ago, Kris and I were watching a 9/11 special on TV, and as an adult, the horror of what really happened that day is so much worse than it was as a teenager. I often have tried not to expose myself to those specials. I am far to vulnerable to watch the pain, sorrow, terror, and evil over and over. It just eats me up. But I cannot forget. We must never forget. We must not forget that the evil one has plans to lie, steal, and destroy. But mostly, we must not forget that Jesus came and died for us so that we may go to heaven and that he HAS ALREADY WON! And the devil doesn't stand a chance! Jesus will conquer him! He already has! Today may be our last day on this side of heaven (as it was for too many people in the towers and surrounding areas, and many more from the affects of the tower dust...), don't waste it! Tell your loved ones you love them, treat every person you meet with kindness, compassion, and understanding. You do not know the walk God has put them on. A true Christian is not judged by their words (Here I am, I am a Christian, I am good, watch me work), but solely on their actions of love, acceptance, forgiveness, and gentleness. How often we forget these things when we allow the devil to whisper in our ears and to take our focus off of Jesus. Never forget friends. Never.
John 14:6 (NIV)
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me..."
Matthew 12:28-31 (Message)
John 14:6 (NIV)
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me..."
Matthew 12:28-31 (Message)
The Most Important Commandment
28 One of the religion scholars came up. Hearing the lively exchanges of question and answer and seeing how sharp Jesus was in his answers, he put in his question: “Which is most important of all the commandments?”
29-31 Jesus said, “The first in importance is, ‘Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Dear Ethan
Dear Ethan M. Mann,
We, Mommy & Daddy, currently hereforth referred to as "the company", are writing you this letter in review of your current work status as child.
The company thus far has been pleased with your performance. The company would like you to work on the following things before your next review:
1) Pick up your toys when you are done playing with them
2) Ask for something you want instead of demanding it
3) If you are angry, please go to your room until your anger is in control
4) Help the company with everything they ask without arguement.
The company understands that these items above may be difficult at your current training. Therefore, the company will continue training you as long as needed to acheive these items as well as add additional duties according to your skill level. Please keep in mind the companies goal is to make you successful, thereby making the company successful.
These things are manditory to learn, as you are being promoted to big brother come the end of April. Until then, you will continue working for the company at your current rank, gaining the skills necessary to move forward in your new job. Some futures duties may include, but may not be limited to are:
1) Bringing the company a diaper, wipes, rash cream, etc
2) Holding your new sibling, kissing, and posing for pictures
3) Teaching your sibling the things you have already learned
4) Protecting your sibling from anything dangerous
We, the company, have 100% faith that you can complete these tasks. Please sign below if you understand the terms of your conditions.
Sincerely,
The Company
We, Mommy & Daddy, currently hereforth referred to as "the company", are writing you this letter in review of your current work status as child.
The company thus far has been pleased with your performance. The company would like you to work on the following things before your next review:
1) Pick up your toys when you are done playing with them
2) Ask for something you want instead of demanding it
3) If you are angry, please go to your room until your anger is in control
4) Help the company with everything they ask without arguement.
The company understands that these items above may be difficult at your current training. Therefore, the company will continue training you as long as needed to acheive these items as well as add additional duties according to your skill level. Please keep in mind the companies goal is to make you successful, thereby making the company successful.
These things are manditory to learn, as you are being promoted to big brother come the end of April. Until then, you will continue working for the company at your current rank, gaining the skills necessary to move forward in your new job. Some futures duties may include, but may not be limited to are:
1) Bringing the company a diaper, wipes, rash cream, etc
2) Holding your new sibling, kissing, and posing for pictures
3) Teaching your sibling the things you have already learned
4) Protecting your sibling from anything dangerous
We, the company, have 100% faith that you can complete these tasks. Please sign below if you understand the terms of your conditions.
Sincerely,
The Company
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Conviction laid upon my heart
I have been struggling with something big. And I don't really want to post what it is, because partially, I am ashamed of the struggle (although the struggle is of the devil, not of God, he asks that we give our burdens to him and he will carry our cross), and partially because it is awfully personal. But that's not why I am blogging today. I am blogging because during my women's daily devotional bible study today, I felt convicted. God is speaking to me. And can say I say that, oh me oh my, does it ever hurt me to know that I am being reprimanded, but I know it is for my own good. Like we discipline our children, not because we love to hurt them or hurt their feelings, or be a giant nag (altho that's how I feel some day ha!), but because we want them to learn respect, safety, social skills, politeness, responsibility, etc. And God wants the same for us.
So this bible devotional focuses on Psalm 51:1-19. In short, it is the Psalm where King David is convicted of his wrong doing actions in killing Uriah so that he could "justify" having Uriah's wife as his own (mind you, he had already taken Uriah's wife, and she was with child. So he tried to get Uriah to "lay" with his wife so he could hide the pregnancy. Uriah was a noble man and would not sleep in comfort when he men were on the front lines. Nothing David did could convince Uriah to visit his wife, so he decided that he should just have him conveniently killed in battle.) Nathan, being a vessel for God, calls him out on his sin, because adultery is adultery, even if you change the name of it to "sharing" or make excuses such as "well her husband died, so our relationship is appropriate now". This study focuses on what excuses do we make for our sin, and what have we called our sin to "dress" it up and feel better? Here's the examples they gave: "It isn't gossip, it is sharing", "it isn't coveting, it is admiring", "it isn't lying, it's explaining".
The study goes on to say that God doesn't forgive excuses or renaming our sins, he forgives our SINS. Which brings me to the main reason I am blogging today. A while back, I am not sure when, maybe some time in college, I decided that when I made a mistake that I wouldn't muddy up my apology by excuses, so called "justifications", or unnecessary explanations. I would woman up and accept my mistakes. Nothing annoyed me more than someone saying, "I am so sorry but this is what happened". Regardless of what happened, we are still responsible for our responses, our actions, our words. Just because someone wronged you does not give you an excuse to wrong them in return. Just because you have had a bad day does not allow for you to be ugly to others. Just because... dare I say it... just because someone close to you has died or possibly moved on in life... does not give you permission to be a terrible person. And I have lost both kinds of people. And yes, it is awfully difficult to avoid becoming bitter in the circumstances, but bitterness is like poison to the soul. It will eat you alive. Until there is nothing of your former self left except decay, disgust, and blackness. And then you will wander why people don't want relationships with you, and you don't have friends, and you are so unhappy. But it is NEVER too late to turn around. Even if you are already full of decay and disgust. Our Jesus died so that he could wash us white as snow. How awesome is that??????? Back to my decision I made a while back. Often, I am reminded of this promise I made to myself, I am sure by God, because I think the action of apologizing without excuses is probably acceptable in God's eyes. And I must do this for him also. I must come to God, humble, ashamed of my sin, ready to hand it over and ask for forgiveness, and not try to justify my actions, because God cannot hear the justifications, just the sins.
Ugh. This is just a difficult principle to administer. I just thank God that he still is interested in me to keep correcting me, because if it ever comes to the point when I don't feel God's corrections than I know that his favor has been lifted from me, and that will be a hard hard day! So, what excuses or renaming have you been doing in your life to justify your sin? Ask for forgiveness from the sin, and nothing else, and work on changing your path to avoid those sins.
Thank you God, for this day. For the light to see the sky, for the warmth on my skin, for the ability to pay our bills, even if not much is left over, for the health of my family, for my husbands job, for my awesome church family who always takes care of each other. Thank you God for a working vehicle, for gas money, for nice cloths to wear and things we don't need but certainly do love. Thank you God for my extended family, including those who I have adopted as family. Most of all, thank you God for your son Jesus, that you should send him to us to die for our sins. I can never thank you enough. Amen
So this bible devotional focuses on Psalm 51:1-19. In short, it is the Psalm where King David is convicted of his wrong doing actions in killing Uriah so that he could "justify" having Uriah's wife as his own (mind you, he had already taken Uriah's wife, and she was with child. So he tried to get Uriah to "lay" with his wife so he could hide the pregnancy. Uriah was a noble man and would not sleep in comfort when he men were on the front lines. Nothing David did could convince Uriah to visit his wife, so he decided that he should just have him conveniently killed in battle.) Nathan, being a vessel for God, calls him out on his sin, because adultery is adultery, even if you change the name of it to "sharing" or make excuses such as "well her husband died, so our relationship is appropriate now". This study focuses on what excuses do we make for our sin, and what have we called our sin to "dress" it up and feel better? Here's the examples they gave: "It isn't gossip, it is sharing", "it isn't coveting, it is admiring", "it isn't lying, it's explaining".
The study goes on to say that God doesn't forgive excuses or renaming our sins, he forgives our SINS. Which brings me to the main reason I am blogging today. A while back, I am not sure when, maybe some time in college, I decided that when I made a mistake that I wouldn't muddy up my apology by excuses, so called "justifications", or unnecessary explanations. I would woman up and accept my mistakes. Nothing annoyed me more than someone saying, "I am so sorry but this is what happened". Regardless of what happened, we are still responsible for our responses, our actions, our words. Just because someone wronged you does not give you an excuse to wrong them in return. Just because you have had a bad day does not allow for you to be ugly to others. Just because... dare I say it... just because someone close to you has died or possibly moved on in life... does not give you permission to be a terrible person. And I have lost both kinds of people. And yes, it is awfully difficult to avoid becoming bitter in the circumstances, but bitterness is like poison to the soul. It will eat you alive. Until there is nothing of your former self left except decay, disgust, and blackness. And then you will wander why people don't want relationships with you, and you don't have friends, and you are so unhappy. But it is NEVER too late to turn around. Even if you are already full of decay and disgust. Our Jesus died so that he could wash us white as snow. How awesome is that??????? Back to my decision I made a while back. Often, I am reminded of this promise I made to myself, I am sure by God, because I think the action of apologizing without excuses is probably acceptable in God's eyes. And I must do this for him also. I must come to God, humble, ashamed of my sin, ready to hand it over and ask for forgiveness, and not try to justify my actions, because God cannot hear the justifications, just the sins.
Ugh. This is just a difficult principle to administer. I just thank God that he still is interested in me to keep correcting me, because if it ever comes to the point when I don't feel God's corrections than I know that his favor has been lifted from me, and that will be a hard hard day! So, what excuses or renaming have you been doing in your life to justify your sin? Ask for forgiveness from the sin, and nothing else, and work on changing your path to avoid those sins.
Thank you God, for this day. For the light to see the sky, for the warmth on my skin, for the ability to pay our bills, even if not much is left over, for the health of my family, for my husbands job, for my awesome church family who always takes care of each other. Thank you God for a working vehicle, for gas money, for nice cloths to wear and things we don't need but certainly do love. Thank you God for my extended family, including those who I have adopted as family. Most of all, thank you God for your son Jesus, that you should send him to us to die for our sins. I can never thank you enough. Amen
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Father's Day
As Father's Day creeps up, I am thinking of Kris. Of what to get him that he wants. Because I wish Ethan was old enough to either make something for his daddy or pick it out from his heart. So right now I am playing "Father's Day Santa", so to speak.
I don't want to say too much, just because I have an idea, and honestly I do not know if Kris reads my blogs. He pretends not to be interested in them, but I would be willing to bet he reads them ;)
So then I start thinking of my daddy. How do I tell him how much I love him and am just so HONORED to have him as a father. He has been such an awesome father, and often I wish I was as laid back and calm as him when it comes to parenting, instead I tend to lean more towards moms parenting tactics (which aren't all bad, just a touch more high strung, sorry mama, just being honest here). I miss hanging out with Dad. He really cracks me up, and yet, I can have a really smart person conversation with him, for about 20 minutes, then its all jokes. Maybe he uses it as a coping technique, as in to not take life so seriously. Good for him for figuring it out. In the mean time, I struggle with yelling at Ethan and all my buttons being pushed. Some days. Other days, he wakes up, and cuddles and laughs and plays and is JUST so sweet, and that's the little boy I miss on the crabby, cranky, melt down days. I want to put the pictures of what "Papa" is getting for from Ethan for Fathers day, but I don't want to spoil it, because what if daddy is reading this as we speak??
Well, Ethan and I are gonna go eat. Kris is sick, sleeping on the couch. Resting up his voice for tomorrow. He's singing with the band all three services tomorrow. I need to remember to bring the camera, because I am super stoked to see him up there!! We are having, uh, what would you call this? Everything soup? It started out as beef and veggie. Then I added rice, left over potatoes and corn from the fridge. And now it smells wonderful and I am stoked to eat it. Just wish it was 100 deg outside while we eat soup. Oh well, at least it is a hot meal.
I don't want to say too much, just because I have an idea, and honestly I do not know if Kris reads my blogs. He pretends not to be interested in them, but I would be willing to bet he reads them ;)
So then I start thinking of my daddy. How do I tell him how much I love him and am just so HONORED to have him as a father. He has been such an awesome father, and often I wish I was as laid back and calm as him when it comes to parenting, instead I tend to lean more towards moms parenting tactics (which aren't all bad, just a touch more high strung, sorry mama, just being honest here). I miss hanging out with Dad. He really cracks me up, and yet, I can have a really smart person conversation with him, for about 20 minutes, then its all jokes. Maybe he uses it as a coping technique, as in to not take life so seriously. Good for him for figuring it out. In the mean time, I struggle with yelling at Ethan and all my buttons being pushed. Some days. Other days, he wakes up, and cuddles and laughs and plays and is JUST so sweet, and that's the little boy I miss on the crabby, cranky, melt down days. I want to put the pictures of what "Papa" is getting for from Ethan for Fathers day, but I don't want to spoil it, because what if daddy is reading this as we speak??
Well, Ethan and I are gonna go eat. Kris is sick, sleeping on the couch. Resting up his voice for tomorrow. He's singing with the band all three services tomorrow. I need to remember to bring the camera, because I am super stoked to see him up there!! We are having, uh, what would you call this? Everything soup? It started out as beef and veggie. Then I added rice, left over potatoes and corn from the fridge. And now it smells wonderful and I am stoked to eat it. Just wish it was 100 deg outside while we eat soup. Oh well, at least it is a hot meal.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Prayer on my heart
Dear God,
I ask you to please hear the prayer on my heart. I do not specifically want to name this prayer, because I know the devil does not know everything like you do, only what is written, spoken, or acted out. So this prayer is between me and you God. And I cry it out in severe desperation because my heart is hurting so bad. And I know you are the redeemer and the great healer, so I trust in you to help me with my hearts desire.
I pray you watch over me the next few weeks and help me fight the devil and his minions, as they sure are attacking me, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. I pray for discernment in your word in my life, and serenity to accept the things you want for me, especially when I don't feel like doing it, and mostly, I just long to feel your loving embrace surround me and protect me and my hearts desires.
In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.
I ask you to please hear the prayer on my heart. I do not specifically want to name this prayer, because I know the devil does not know everything like you do, only what is written, spoken, or acted out. So this prayer is between me and you God. And I cry it out in severe desperation because my heart is hurting so bad. And I know you are the redeemer and the great healer, so I trust in you to help me with my hearts desire.
I pray you watch over me the next few weeks and help me fight the devil and his minions, as they sure are attacking me, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. I pray for discernment in your word in my life, and serenity to accept the things you want for me, especially when I don't feel like doing it, and mostly, I just long to feel your loving embrace surround me and protect me and my hearts desires.
In Jesus name I pray,
Amen.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Just a quick prayer
Hey all,
Just need a quick prayer. I feel like there's so much "busy" work I need to do tomorrow and I wander if some of it is just a distraction from what God wants from me tomorrow. I literally have my whole day planned out from 8:30 all the way to bed. I look at the schedule, knowing I need to cut some stuff out so I can have some down time, and I can actually have time with God, but it all seems so important. So how about I tell you what I have written down, and you tell me what can wait until tomorrow (or the next day), or maybe as I am typing them out I will see how ridiculous the task really is:
drop Ethan off at Mothers Morning Out, on my way home, stop at storage and pay storage rent, go into our storage unit and get out stickers for tomorrow, stop by front office of apartments and pay rent, inquire about any rent increases I should be expecting come June 1st (for those who don't know this, your landlord is required to give you written notice of any price increases (according to state of Texas I should probably clarify) as many days as you are required to give a written notice to vacate, so if you have to give a 30 day notice to vacate (move out), then they have to give you at least 30 day notice of your rates increasing after your lease end date), dishes, call vet about booboo (another story entirely), shower (yes, I won't have showered right away, maybe I will move this up to 7am soon as Kris leaves, that's kind of up in the air), hair cut, go to the church to help with quicken reports, to the library to print of Mommy & Me study stuff, home for lunch, balance check book, menu planning, grocery list based off that, return clothing to Steeles, pick up mail, pick up my precious cargo (aka Ethan), go the the park if he seems to need to burn more energy, home to prepare dinner, dinner, small group, skip Ethan bath time and story time due to coming home about 1.5 hrs after his bed time, mommy crashes out from day burn out.
And to top it off, I already have a list of three things I would like to do come Thursday during Ethan's other mother morning out, including going to a moms group without Ethan, but because a midwife is going to be coming to speak and I am interested in what she has to say, laundry, update my May calendar on my dry erase board and my bill paying calendar, and anything else that didn't get accomplished Tuesday or Wednesday. Ugh. Now it is 11 pm, and I really need to lay down to get some sleep, but I know I need to hand over my busy schedule to God, because I know he can handle everything for me, otherwise I won't be able to sleep tonight and it will take all my energy to do anything tomorrow. I also want to get up a little earlier than Kris and Ethan so I can have some one on one time with God and prepare my heart for the day. How much time do I start off with though? I don't want to short change God, but I am already doing that by barely waking up in time to throw together a not so great lunch and breakfast for Kris and Ethan waking up 10 minutes after I wake up and I just don't do well with demands the first 1/2 hr I am awake. So maybe I need about 45 minutes. 1/2 an hour with God, and 15 minutes to start preparing for the day for Kris and Ethan. Maybe than I will great them with a cheery face, smiling, wishing them good morning in a sing song voice, hugging and kissing them, wishing Kris off to a good day like I mean it, not like, bye, see ya later, hope today is fruitful for you because it already sucks for me, sort of attitude. How many times do I have to pray this same exact prayer to love my husband so completely that he has no choice but to love me back? How many times until it actually happens? Honestly, it has been drilled more and more into my head that it starts with loving and spending time alone with God. Where else am I to get the strength to make it through my day if he doesn't provide it for me first? Because I am human, and I am a failure at being human honestly, and I will continue to disappoint, but my God won't. So yea, enough babbling. time to get my behind to bed so 5:45 doesn't come so early. Goodnight ya'll. And extra prayers would def be appreciated!!
Just need a quick prayer. I feel like there's so much "busy" work I need to do tomorrow and I wander if some of it is just a distraction from what God wants from me tomorrow. I literally have my whole day planned out from 8:30 all the way to bed. I look at the schedule, knowing I need to cut some stuff out so I can have some down time, and I can actually have time with God, but it all seems so important. So how about I tell you what I have written down, and you tell me what can wait until tomorrow (or the next day), or maybe as I am typing them out I will see how ridiculous the task really is:
drop Ethan off at Mothers Morning Out, on my way home, stop at storage and pay storage rent, go into our storage unit and get out stickers for tomorrow, stop by front office of apartments and pay rent, inquire about any rent increases I should be expecting come June 1st (for those who don't know this, your landlord is required to give you written notice of any price increases (according to state of Texas I should probably clarify) as many days as you are required to give a written notice to vacate, so if you have to give a 30 day notice to vacate (move out), then they have to give you at least 30 day notice of your rates increasing after your lease end date), dishes, call vet about booboo (another story entirely), shower (yes, I won't have showered right away, maybe I will move this up to 7am soon as Kris leaves, that's kind of up in the air), hair cut, go to the church to help with quicken reports, to the library to print of Mommy & Me study stuff, home for lunch, balance check book, menu planning, grocery list based off that, return clothing to Steeles, pick up mail, pick up my precious cargo (aka Ethan), go the the park if he seems to need to burn more energy, home to prepare dinner, dinner, small group, skip Ethan bath time and story time due to coming home about 1.5 hrs after his bed time, mommy crashes out from day burn out.
And to top it off, I already have a list of three things I would like to do come Thursday during Ethan's other mother morning out, including going to a moms group without Ethan, but because a midwife is going to be coming to speak and I am interested in what she has to say, laundry, update my May calendar on my dry erase board and my bill paying calendar, and anything else that didn't get accomplished Tuesday or Wednesday. Ugh. Now it is 11 pm, and I really need to lay down to get some sleep, but I know I need to hand over my busy schedule to God, because I know he can handle everything for me, otherwise I won't be able to sleep tonight and it will take all my energy to do anything tomorrow. I also want to get up a little earlier than Kris and Ethan so I can have some one on one time with God and prepare my heart for the day. How much time do I start off with though? I don't want to short change God, but I am already doing that by barely waking up in time to throw together a not so great lunch and breakfast for Kris and Ethan waking up 10 minutes after I wake up and I just don't do well with demands the first 1/2 hr I am awake. So maybe I need about 45 minutes. 1/2 an hour with God, and 15 minutes to start preparing for the day for Kris and Ethan. Maybe than I will great them with a cheery face, smiling, wishing them good morning in a sing song voice, hugging and kissing them, wishing Kris off to a good day like I mean it, not like, bye, see ya later, hope today is fruitful for you because it already sucks for me, sort of attitude. How many times do I have to pray this same exact prayer to love my husband so completely that he has no choice but to love me back? How many times until it actually happens? Honestly, it has been drilled more and more into my head that it starts with loving and spending time alone with God. Where else am I to get the strength to make it through my day if he doesn't provide it for me first? Because I am human, and I am a failure at being human honestly, and I will continue to disappoint, but my God won't. So yea, enough babbling. time to get my behind to bed so 5:45 doesn't come so early. Goodnight ya'll. And extra prayers would def be appreciated!!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I will persevere!!!
Merriam-Webster defines perseverance as:
: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness (directly copied from the website)
So my opposition this morning is the DEVIL. He has been attacking me since last night! I have been doing some work in preparation for this mommy & me meeting today, meeting with Pastor and having a good long talk about things in general, including where we would like to see this group go, doing research on topics we could discuss in the future, ideas for outings we could do, etc. It has been actually quite interesting to do these things. Not like work at all. Just something that is satisfying a thirst for knowledge/organization inside of me.
While I was doing my research on topics, something I read said that Proverbs has a wealth of biblical parenting advice. So I decided to start reading Proverbs. Well, I got stuck on Proverbs 1:7, which reads:
: continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition : the action or condition or an instance of persevering : steadfastness (directly copied from the website)
So my opposition this morning is the DEVIL. He has been attacking me since last night! I have been doing some work in preparation for this mommy & me meeting today, meeting with Pastor and having a good long talk about things in general, including where we would like to see this group go, doing research on topics we could discuss in the future, ideas for outings we could do, etc. It has been actually quite interesting to do these things. Not like work at all. Just something that is satisfying a thirst for knowledge/organization inside of me.
While I was doing my research on topics, something I read said that Proverbs has a wealth of biblical parenting advice. So I decided to start reading Proverbs. Well, I got stuck on Proverbs 1:7, which reads:
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
This struck me as interesting because the first 6 versus of Proverbs 1 are instructions on who is to use Proverbs, and how to use them. Then before they go into all the Godly wisdom and advice, Solomon (who has been said to be one of the wisest kings/men/people of God to ever live) said that in order to know ANYTHING, you must first start with fearing the Lord. So I went online to read what others had to say about Proverbs 1. And it is interesting some things I found. There is a page that I really got some good info from:
I will be spending some time summing up what was said on that page, as well as what I find interesting and where I feel emphasis is necessary in MY life.
What does that mean to me exactly? That to gain wisdom, knowledge, SMARTS, that it all starts with a good, healthy fear of the Lord!! But.... what does it mean exactly to fear the Lord? Does that mean we are to be afraid to approach him because he is that scary? Does it mean that we don't ever provoke him? Well, yes, we should never provoke God. But that statement DOES NOT mean we should fear approaching God. Quite the opposite! The page I was reading from said that fear of the Lord meant two things: to run away from sin and pursue righteousness. In other words, we should fear the punishment of sin from God so much that we turn away, RUN away, and pursue righteousness. God is SO HOLY that he cannot even be around sin, and if we are born with sin, than that goes to say that he can't be around us, but alas! There is hope! Jesus died for our sins so that we may be forgiven and we CAN be around God. But we are to struggle every day with our current sins, and we are to turn away, ask for forgiveness, and pursue what is right, Godly, and just. That being said, we should NEVER BE AFRAID OF APPROACHING GOD, JUST OF OUR UNFORGIVEN SINS THAT HE WILL PUNISH US FOR!!!
In verse 29 and 31, Solomon goes on to say in response to rejecting wisdom (as in from God): (parenthesis are my comments, not part of the verse)
Since they hated knowledge (which we know now comes from the fear of Lord) and did not choose to fear the Lord... they will eat the fruit of their ways (reaping what you sow much??)
Proverbs 2 begins to describe the benefits of heeding wisdom, he says that if you search out wisdom with your heart and open ears (mind/heart/soul), accept the wisdom, ask for insight and understanding and search it (insight/understanding) out as you would precious stones and valuable metals (specifically he says silver and treasure, vs 4)... [all this is my summary of 2:1-4], then vs 5 says:
then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD (emphasis is mine alone)
I mean, wow. In order to gain the wisdom of GOD, not just plain ole, boring, HUMANLY wisdom, but HIS perfect, awesome, powerful wisdom, then it starts with "fearing the Lord". Which brings us full circle that in order to get this wisdom, we must TURN away from sin and REPENT! We must approach God humbly, with reverence, asking for forgiveness NOW, TODAY, which we know is only offtered through the sacrifice of our Jesus, who died for us.
So last night I was so struck in awe about this revelation, I mean, I knew it anyway, but to hear it again, God must have been speaking to me. I humbly came to him, asking him for all the things I have done, and the things I cannot remember doing but he still finds pungent in his perfectness. And the devil started attacking me! My throat started hurting so bad and I couldn't actually swallow. I mean, it was pretty bad. I didn't think anything of it really because my throat has been scratchy for days, (looking back now, I think the devil has really been attacking me for my decision to be the spokesperson for mommy & me). I posted just a summary of what I was feeling on FB and I went to bed. I slept AWESOME!! Although I woke up with a headache, sore throat, and stuffy nose. The devil was still attacking me. He only had a few short hours to convince me I was sick and couldn't go to Mommy & Me and share my revelations and my love for Christ and my heart for getting this group up and running and growing. Myself and two other mothers (as well as any other ones that decide to come today) have a huge heart for the success for this group, and together, with Jesus by our side, we WILL accomplish great things! But the devil does not like this! He wants to ruin my testimony. He wants to break my fellowship with God. He has had enough of this Jesus stuff! BUT I WON'T ALLOW IT! I asked a very good friend to say a prayer for me that I was being attacked by the devil, and she is SUCH a prayer warrior, that I knew she would drop everything to pray a very powerful prayer over me, and together, we both prayed. Instantly my headache is gone, my throat feels normal, and I can breath again. Really devil, is that all you got for me?? BRING IT, I got Jesus by my side and you will NOT succeed in bringing me down!!!!
Then I looked on FB for my comment, and I just LOVE what someone posted about my status
Randi, I do not profess to be a Bible Scholar by any means, but I do study God's word. God cannot begin to teach us what we need to know until we learn to fear Him with reverence and respect. When we display this healthy type of fear then we become teachable. Fools depend on their own knowledge and do not want to or think that they need to listen to anyone else, much less God. That is why they are fools. American Heritage Dictionary defines a fool as one lacking judgement or sense.
Wow! I LOVE that. So a fool is someone who flat out rejects the opportunity or the teachings or really anything that is besides themselves, and most of all, the smartest being in the universe, God. Stupid fools. I mean, literally, Stupid. Idiots. Fools. What is wrong with them?? Why would you turn away from something that could give you such an advantage in this life and in the next?? I just am so baffled by it.
Going back to my prayer warrior friend. At the beginning of the year, she sent me a BEAUTIFUL purple leather Christian daily calendar. I have been using the HECK out of it since she sent it to me, for meal planning, and for whatever else I wanted to make sure I needed to remember (if you come into our apartment, and look around, you'll see that I have that calendar, a dry erase board I have turned into a calendar, one on my fridge, I use one to pay bills, and I use my phone calendar, I really use a lot of calendars because I hate forgetting things!!). Every day has a scripture down at the bottom. So this is HOW awesome God is. He KNEW when the creators of this calendar were picking out verses that on April 25th, Randi Marie Mann would need to hear Proverbs 16:3. He encouraged my friend to buy the calender. He encouraged me to use it. He encouraged me to leave it open last night on tomorrows (which is now today) page. He encouraged my friend to read hers first (she got one for herself too). Then to call my attention to it. Wow, how amazing in my GOD!!!
Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)
That is SO powerful to me, that I have literally written it (including typed just now) 10 times. I know it by heart, and I want to remember this one forever, so for the next few days, I will repeat this scripture in my heart over and over and over, believing my LORD, GOD, JESUS, is above all things and will MAKE OUR MOMS GROUP SUCCEED. TAKE THAT DEVIL!!! BOO YA!!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Resurrection Eggs
Lately, as in the past 9 days, Kris and I have doing these "resurrection eggs" with Ethan. The idea came from my friend Sarah who found it online (Cullinsabcs.com). It is magnificent! As a Christian, I am so moved by this ultimate sacrifice that God and Jesus made so that I may find my way to heaven through my Jesus. However, as a parent, there is more to the feeling than just being "moved". I am brought to tears, and literally choked up, when I think how my heavenly Father sacrificed his ONLY son to be KILLED for OTHERS SINS! I mean, to be 100% honest, I cannot fathom giving my son up to die for you. Just being honest here. I love my son far too much to ever let him die for someone else. When he is an adult, and if he decides to join the armed forces, or join a missionary that has a large element of danger to it, than that is his decision, one I probably will still struggle with, but this was NOT Jesus' desire! He says in Mark 14:34 "'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them. 'Stay here and keep watch'". Jesus was going to pray in the garden of Gethsemane, knowing very well that the next day he would be BETRAYED a more brutal betrayal than you or I have ever, and will likely never experience in our meager existences. That the people he was JUST preaching to the day before would be pulled into the mob mentality and demand his death! How they would ridicule him, and beat him, spit on him, shove a crown of thorns on his head, gamble for his clothing, laugh at his pain and suffering, all the inhumane things they did to MY Jesus! Jesus prays for a while, then falls the the ground, BEGGING God to please let this hour pass, that God would ..."take this cup from me." But my Jesus knew it was so much bigger than him. He goes on to say "Yet not what I will, but what you will." (Mark 14:36). So I am literally brought to tears, how much GOD loves ME, an ugly sinner with anger management issues who idolizes finances a bit too much, who would rather play on Facebook or crochet than open my bible and READ his good word and soak it up, who is SO quick to judge others, and I am moved to tears. Why would ANYONE allow their LOVED child to DIE for someone so UGLY?? Because I certainly wouldn't. Period. God must love us more than I can ever fathom.
So going back to the resurrection eggs, I really like how these eggs focus our story time at bed. Ethan looks forward to opening his egg to see what lies inside. Tonight, he actually shook it first to see if he could hear anything in it before he opened it. And my heart caught for just a moment when I saw my child, whom I birthed and was so completely dependent on me for LIFE, becoming the man he will be one day. I bought this book from Mardel's called "Jesus is Risen" by Scandinavia. Okay, this is a much older than my 2.5 year old's comprehension can handle, so we just focus on the story that matches our egg for the day. And it has been a good pair up. Do you know how hard it is to tell a 2.5 year old that people were mean to Jesus to the point that they KILLED him, and he DIED? And that they, very viciously, shoved a crown of thorns on his head (we told Ethan it hurt really bad and caused a lot of booboos and owies, and made him bleed, and it made Jesus sad, and the people were not being nice, they were being mean to Jesus and the crown was sharp. I think we repeated that about 4 times. It apparently stuck because the next day when we were summing up all the previous days and I got to the crown of thrones, he said "sharp!"). He IS NOT TOO YOUNG TO HEAR THIS. He must know this. If the only thing I can say I did when I go to meet my Jesus and God was to teach my son CORRECTLY Jesus' sacrifice for our sins and salvation, and I tried through my brokenness to show him the way, than that is enough for me. But it isn't enough. I am also given the task to show the light to you. And him. And her. And how scary is that? What if you make fun of me? Or reject me? That's when I have to remember, you aren't making fun of me or rejecting me; you are rejecting YOUR only way to heaven. And only YOU and GOD can know what is in YOUR heart for repentance to Jesus. I don't care if you donate all your money to my church, or attend every single function, and truly love people, and serve until your very last minute. If YOU do not accept Jesus as your LORD and SAVIOR, than you aren't going to heaven. The End.
So here are our resurrection eggs:
Day 1: Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey (picture of a donkey is in his egg)
Day 2: Judas betrayed Jesus for money. Judas was SUPPOSE to be Jesus' friend (a few nickles are in his egg)
Day 3: They broke bread and gave God thanks (a piece of bread is in his egg)
Day 4: Jesus prays for his followers (a picture of praying hands are in his egg)
Day 6: They place a crown of thorns on Jesus head (a picture of a crown of thorns is in his egg)
Day 7: They make a man completely unrelated, just passing by, to carry Jesus cross for him since he is too weak to carry it himself (a pendant from one of my necklaces, a cross, is in his egg)
Day 8: They nail Jesus to the cross, it hurt very bad. They were very mean to Jesus, this is very sad (three nails are in his egg)
Day 9: Jesus is thirsty and someone dips a sponge in wine vinegar (soured wine basically), this is not a nice gesture (a piece of a kitchen sponge is in his egg)
Day 10: Jesus died. They wrap him in linen and put his body in a tomb. (a piece of linen, or I put gauze which has a very Jesus' day feel to me, is in his egg)
Day 11: They rolled a giant rock over the tomb they laid Jesus in and put Roman guards outside to protect people from stealing, vandalizing, or doing anything else, Jesus body (a stone is in his egg).
Day 12: Jesus rose! He fulfilled the scriptures! (his egg is empty!!)
A little funny story. The day we got to the cross, I had originally had a toothpick hot glued cross in the egg. Or so I thought. We almost did day 12 early! Haha, the cross fell out sometime while I was placing each item in its egg. So I ran to my necklaces, and found a small cross, which fittingly has little red stones in it.
So as tomorrow day starts, I really want everyone to consider what took place this day over 2,000 years ago. Even if you are not a Christian currently, so much HISTORY is tied to this EVENT. I CHALLENGE you to compare the historical facts compared to the Bible's facts and then DENY it. And remember, it isn't me you are denying. It is where you will spend eternity once you die or Jesus comes to call us all home, whichever comes first. I honestly would love to see you in heaven. But there's only one way to heaven. And two thousand years ago, God made that way possible.
As a side note, there is a book I read last Easter called "The Case for Easter" by Lee Strobel. It is an excellent, easy ready if you want more proof that Jesus was beaten, crucified, DIED, buried, and rose again. There is so much that goes into this book, that after reading it, I set it down, and all I could say was: WOW. If that doesn't make me a believer, I don't know what will. However, friends, you must know that God has blessed me with the ability to take on anything with Faith. That I have a very strong, unshakable faith in me. The reason this is rare is because we are curious creatures, destined to doubt and not believe what we cannot concretely see and touch. So God blesses his people differently (called Spiritual Gifts), such as discernment, faith, hospitality, the list goes on (like 27 of them are recognized). He has blessed me with Faith. I easily accept the bible and DO NOT doubt it. Why? I do not know, I believe it to be 100% true because God said it was, and that is good enough for me. Not everyone is like that. So for the doubters out there, this book is a GREAT read to help answer some of the nagging questions such as did Jesus really die that day when ordinarily it took 3+ days for someone to die on the cross? And how do we know that someone didn't just STEAL Jesus body from the tomb in order to make it LOOK like the scriptures were being fulfilled (yes the book literally, and historically, answers these questions so well, that if you are history or science geek, the evidence will speak to you). And it is less than 100 pages.
So going back to the resurrection eggs, I really like how these eggs focus our story time at bed. Ethan looks forward to opening his egg to see what lies inside. Tonight, he actually shook it first to see if he could hear anything in it before he opened it. And my heart caught for just a moment when I saw my child, whom I birthed and was so completely dependent on me for LIFE, becoming the man he will be one day. I bought this book from Mardel's called "Jesus is Risen" by Scandinavia. Okay, this is a much older than my 2.5 year old's comprehension can handle, so we just focus on the story that matches our egg for the day. And it has been a good pair up. Do you know how hard it is to tell a 2.5 year old that people were mean to Jesus to the point that they KILLED him, and he DIED? And that they, very viciously, shoved a crown of thorns on his head (we told Ethan it hurt really bad and caused a lot of booboos and owies, and made him bleed, and it made Jesus sad, and the people were not being nice, they were being mean to Jesus and the crown was sharp. I think we repeated that about 4 times. It apparently stuck because the next day when we were summing up all the previous days and I got to the crown of thrones, he said "sharp!"). He IS NOT TOO YOUNG TO HEAR THIS. He must know this. If the only thing I can say I did when I go to meet my Jesus and God was to teach my son CORRECTLY Jesus' sacrifice for our sins and salvation, and I tried through my brokenness to show him the way, than that is enough for me. But it isn't enough. I am also given the task to show the light to you. And him. And her. And how scary is that? What if you make fun of me? Or reject me? That's when I have to remember, you aren't making fun of me or rejecting me; you are rejecting YOUR only way to heaven. And only YOU and GOD can know what is in YOUR heart for repentance to Jesus. I don't care if you donate all your money to my church, or attend every single function, and truly love people, and serve until your very last minute. If YOU do not accept Jesus as your LORD and SAVIOR, than you aren't going to heaven. The End.
So here are our resurrection eggs:
Day 1: Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey (picture of a donkey is in his egg)
Day 2: Judas betrayed Jesus for money. Judas was SUPPOSE to be Jesus' friend (a few nickles are in his egg)
Day 3: They broke bread and gave God thanks (a piece of bread is in his egg)
Day 4: Jesus prays for his followers (a picture of praying hands are in his egg)
Day 6: They place a crown of thorns on Jesus head (a picture of a crown of thorns is in his egg)
Day 7: They make a man completely unrelated, just passing by, to carry Jesus cross for him since he is too weak to carry it himself (a pendant from one of my necklaces, a cross, is in his egg)
Day 8: They nail Jesus to the cross, it hurt very bad. They were very mean to Jesus, this is very sad (three nails are in his egg)
Day 9: Jesus is thirsty and someone dips a sponge in wine vinegar (soured wine basically), this is not a nice gesture (a piece of a kitchen sponge is in his egg)
Day 10: Jesus died. They wrap him in linen and put his body in a tomb. (a piece of linen, or I put gauze which has a very Jesus' day feel to me, is in his egg)
Day 11: They rolled a giant rock over the tomb they laid Jesus in and put Roman guards outside to protect people from stealing, vandalizing, or doing anything else, Jesus body (a stone is in his egg).
Day 12: Jesus rose! He fulfilled the scriptures! (his egg is empty!!)
A little funny story. The day we got to the cross, I had originally had a toothpick hot glued cross in the egg. Or so I thought. We almost did day 12 early! Haha, the cross fell out sometime while I was placing each item in its egg. So I ran to my necklaces, and found a small cross, which fittingly has little red stones in it.
So as tomorrow day starts, I really want everyone to consider what took place this day over 2,000 years ago. Even if you are not a Christian currently, so much HISTORY is tied to this EVENT. I CHALLENGE you to compare the historical facts compared to the Bible's facts and then DENY it. And remember, it isn't me you are denying. It is where you will spend eternity once you die or Jesus comes to call us all home, whichever comes first. I honestly would love to see you in heaven. But there's only one way to heaven. And two thousand years ago, God made that way possible.
As a side note, there is a book I read last Easter called "The Case for Easter" by Lee Strobel. It is an excellent, easy ready if you want more proof that Jesus was beaten, crucified, DIED, buried, and rose again. There is so much that goes into this book, that after reading it, I set it down, and all I could say was: WOW. If that doesn't make me a believer, I don't know what will. However, friends, you must know that God has blessed me with the ability to take on anything with Faith. That I have a very strong, unshakable faith in me. The reason this is rare is because we are curious creatures, destined to doubt and not believe what we cannot concretely see and touch. So God blesses his people differently (called Spiritual Gifts), such as discernment, faith, hospitality, the list goes on (like 27 of them are recognized). He has blessed me with Faith. I easily accept the bible and DO NOT doubt it. Why? I do not know, I believe it to be 100% true because God said it was, and that is good enough for me. Not everyone is like that. So for the doubters out there, this book is a GREAT read to help answer some of the nagging questions such as did Jesus really die that day when ordinarily it took 3+ days for someone to die on the cross? And how do we know that someone didn't just STEAL Jesus body from the tomb in order to make it LOOK like the scriptures were being fulfilled (yes the book literally, and historically, answers these questions so well, that if you are history or science geek, the evidence will speak to you). And it is less than 100 pages.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Quotes, Scriptures, & the way to heaven
Just something I am passing on to a family member, thought I would share it with my three followers :)
Some quotes I love:
Remember when the Lord is silent in our trials that the teacher is always quiet during tests.
Don’t tell God how big the storm is, tell the storm how big God is.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference (this has been my favorite prayer since high school).
Some verses I find encouraging:
Psalm 57
Psalm 1:1-6
Psalm 4:4
Psalm 55:22
Psalm 27:1
Ephesians 4:31-32
Luke 17:4
Isaiah 41:10
Deuteronomy 31:6
Matthew 11:28-30
Phillippians 4:13
John 16:33
2 Timothy 1:7
I love you and I hope these help!!
One more thing I find important to stress, that we can only truly go to heaven and be saved if we have confessed that Jesus is our Lord and Savior and that he died for our sins. I feel that this confession must be made out loud, using your mouth in witness to at least one other person. There are many people who believe that Jesus is the savior, and truly worship him as one, but have never confessed it with their mouths; unfortunately they will not be saved and will not make it to heaven. Personally, growing up, I don’t remember EVER confessing that Jesus died for MY sins and that God raised him from the dead. I remember saying a bunch of “prayers” that everyone says at the same exact time that you know by heart and I rarely think about the words when I say them. That won’t get us into heaven. Rituals and prayers that are centuries old that we don’t say with our HEARTS, but we say out of tradition, will not win us favor in God’s eyes, for his grace, his gift of Christ, is just that, it is a gift. We cannot earn the gift, ever, no matter how many Hail Mary’s we say or how “good of a person” we think we are.
Romans 10:9
That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (NIV ß New International Version)
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (NLT ß New Living Translation)
Notice, these verses do not say: be a good person, do good things, be fair and kind hearted, and you will be saved.
Romans 10:10 goes on to say:
For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.
In John 14:6 Jesus said he is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through him. That means that no one can have a relationship with GOD if they do not first believe in Jesus, and we cannot go to heaven except by being saved.
Okay, so enough preaching. If you want to know more about this, I am always open to talk about it. This is a hard subject for me to broach, because we all get a little bristly when we talk about religion and faith, and I just want to see you in heaven when I die! I love you and I want you to experience the awesome love of God that Kris and I have experienced, even in all our trials.
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