Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Fantastic day
HEB, you rocked my socks off today. Some of my finds that I almost shouted out with joy are:
Whole Chicken for $0.77/lb (I bought three... seriously, $4 a chicken...)
HEB Brand Spaghetti sauce in so many different flavors with only 3g sugar per serving (for reference, most other spaghetti sauces are around 11g sugar per serving, so not only is is better for us, it is also cheaper too)
HEB Brand Glycemic Noodles (in other words, 0g sugar)
HEB Brand raw almonds (the leading "competitor" didn't even have raw almond today) for over $2 cheaper per lb!
You know, cleaner eating is really hard. It takes a lot longer planning meals based on how much "processed" food you add, and when you do, how much sugar in everything is so ridiculous that I almost cry at the lack of selection. I will say this, almost 3 weeks of seriously reducing my sugar and carb intake and eating cleaner, these are the things I have noticed:
Ethan has a sugar sensitivity. If he has too many pieces of candy, or sugar in breads, jellies, popsicles, drinks, etc, he becomes very defiant. He eats like I eat. A lot of almonds, a lot of water, a lot of yogurt with hemp seeds, bananas with peanut butter and hemp seed, low sugar cereals, etc. I even made him pancakes that substituted 1/2 the flour for whole wheat flour and added flax and chia seeds, he didn't even notice. He's also eaten rye bread and not once said it tasted funny. He's started eating a lot of veggies he normally would never try (sauteed squash and zucchini, fresh green beans, etc)
My sweet tooth has dramatically reduced. It's still there... but yesterday I tried an almond fudgey bite after dinner (it was only 1.9g sugar peeps!) and it almost gagged me how sweet it was.
The baby and my stomach compete for space (in not a good way) when I eat something high in carbs, and I really feel miserable for 1/2 an hour afterwards
A lot of diabetic friendly recipes (one of the ways to go if you are reducing carbs and sugars) have really good ideas that actually taste really really good. For example, we've eating quinoa, beans and chicken (it was like chicken, beans and rice, mexican style), sloppy joes (with homemade ketchup), beef casserole, chicken, mushroom, and broccoli casserole, plus all the regulars I make just not really much starches or sauces: tilipia with sauteed veggies, baked chicken with sauteed green beans, deer burgers with salads. And we will be trying much more new recipes. The best website I have found is: diabeticliving.com It truly has a massive index of recipes...
My weight gain has slowed down CONSIDERABLY, and I find it easier to get up in the morning, stay awake all day, move around the house, walk around without hurting, and am just in a much better mood. Doesn't mean we don't still have bad days.
Coconut oil, even though it is expensive, is absolutely, hands down, amazing. It smells SO good when you're using it to cook with, you can't help but salvatate (is that even a word??), and you can use it as a lotion! (I was doing this, but because money is tight and I currently have a lot of lotions I need to use first that I cannot use as a cooking oil, I will hold off using it until they are all gone).
I have learned what a true serving is. In ritz crackers, it is 5 crackers. In ranch dressing, it is 2 tablespoon, in ketchup, it is 1 tablespoon (and actually try measuring these things out people, it isn't very much at all). In lunch meat, it's like three thin slices. So it's really, really smaller than we american's have come to know, so small in fact, that (shocker here, hold on to your panties) you actually HAVE to add veggies, like salad, tomatoes, red bell peppers, cheese, etc, in order to make sure you have enough to eat. Hence, you shouldn't have this huge sandwich with all these meats and cheeses on them and some chips, b/c whoa mama, I can't imagine what that would look like. It's more like, two tortillas (or CAREFULLY chosen bread, b/c bread is killer in ADDED sugar not to mention the fact that it turns straight to sugar in your body anyway), with a few slices of lunch meat, shredded cheese, some mustard, spinach, tomatoes, pickles, and some red bell peppers to the side for crunch (yes I use ranch, just about 1/2 a tbs tho) and that's really it. Lots of water if you're still hungry haha.
Bread. Whoa bread. How I used to buy bread. Look for the buttery golden one, the one that usually has the words "butter" in the name. Test for softness. Put in cart. Pick up a package of flour tortillas as I am passing by. Oh, maybe some cinnamon raisin bagels. Mmm that would make a fantastic breakfast. Gotta go get cream cheese to go on them. Did you know when I was looking at breads, because I don't really want to give them up completely, I do need some grains in my diet, that a lot of the "healthy" whole wheat breads have almost as much sugar as the white breads? Did you know those sandwich thins have almost as much sugar as a regular slice of bread? And tortillas. Don't get me started. I remember being at Walmart with Kris, literally picking up every loaf of "healthy" whole grain, multi grain, oat grain, etc there was, and almost wanting to cry. My goal is to keep my sugars under 5g of sugar per serving. To me, that would include what I am putting on my bread. So if it's already 17g of sugar, yea, I am in trouble. I did find some things I can have: sour dough english muffins have 1g of sugar per muffin, paired with protein (peanut butter, turkey patty, etc), it will help negate some of the excess sugars. Cinnamon raisin bagel thins have LESS sugar than regular bagel thins, or even the sandwich thins. Laughing cow as a "lite strawberry" cream cheese that have >1g of sugar per wedge. (So there's my sweet snack with a handful of almonds). Rye bread, for the most part, has very low sugar. Russian rye is the one we tried, it looks like white bread with a slightly different hint of something in it. There's a 10 grain bread that has 2 g of sugar per slice. OH the best find was South Beach Diet Multigrain Tortillas. They have less than 1g of sugar per tortilla. Been making a lot of wraps and sandwiches out of them. And they are REALLY really good!! I have only been able to find them at HEB so far. And don't let McDonalds fool you into thinking you're getting an actual wheat bun. That stupid bun on that sandwich (grilled chicken) sent my numbers THROUGH the roof. I was very very disappointed. Basically the only thing I can eat at almost ANY fast food restaurant is a salad, with grilled chicken, no fancy smanchy salad with tortillas, or corn, or added sauces, a plain ole salad with dressing (a carefully chosen dressing). And I can make a much better tasting one at home to be quite honest. Chic-fil-a. You're strips are amazing. Your original chicken sandwich is to die for. Your fries rock my socks off. But your grilled chicken salad sucks. Just. Saying.
My will power has increased like 1000 fold. I literally HAD to get rid of all the sweets, the breads, the cookies, etc (I kept all my baking stuff b/c I will still bake for others, just not myself). All the frozen stuff I loved to eat as a lunch. The chips. The snack bars (that laughably are advertised as granola, Ha!). It.all.had.to.go. Because I knew, that if I saw it, and I had a choice between it and something else, I would choose it. Especially in the middle of the night when I am not 100% awake and snacking. And the first two weeks, yes, we hard. I took Ethan to McDonalds for mommy and me the first week, and found out that I really can't eat McD's b/c of how it messes with my numbers. And Kris has a fantastic chic fil a strips and fries and soda right in front of me, and I was miserable eating their gross salad. But I stuck to it. I have save so much money not going through sonic or mcdonalds in the morning for sweet tea or coke. Today, at mommy and me at McD's, we smuggled in a lunchable, and I bought Ethan a fruit and yogurt parfait and a cup a water. And not once was I tempted to eat any of his stuff. Sarah had french fries in front of me last week. It really didn't bother me. My mouth didn't even water. Was I hungry, yes, I was, for that? I am not sure. Probably not. If I had eaten it, I prob would have not been satisfied, and then sick feeling on top of it. And I baked the other day before my midwife appt and I did not ONCE try a cookie. Because I knew that they had enough sugar in them to make me have to test my sugar, and I really dislike pricking my fingers.
There's so much I have learned. I could probably go on and on and on and on. but I won't I think I will end here...
Friday, February 8, 2013
It's been a while
It's been a while since I blogged. Truly blogged. I have another blog that is private for my children, for things that I want them to remember, but I have slacked off on that one too. It feels like I have been slacking off a lot in my life lately. I don't know what the deal is. Mostly I think it is the pregnancy hormones and settling into life and just getting on "cruise".
I have so many thoughts running through my head and I am not sure where to start. This is the result of not blogging, or even writing. Because writing releases it too. So bear with me. Because I fear, naught, I know, that this is going to be a lengthy one.
First, let me start out with thoughts on this pregnancy. It's pretty hard to think of anything else for long periods of time when: 1) you have to pee every hour, 2) this little girl loves to shift, and not so much kick, just shift, and it's really not that comfortable 3) I am carrying her so low that when I stand up I sometimes have the feeling she's using my bladder as a pillow, yet there's still a LOT of room to go up top, and it makes me waddle 4) I look in the mirror and I see this ball under my shirt (and I have lost sight of some body parts too) 5) I cannot lay on my back without my legs starting to jump uncontrollably 6) I cannot sit for long periods of time because she's so low that it hurts my pelvic floor and lately I have had this really annoying pain in my upper back on the side she is predominately laying on, so I reckon she's on a nerve 7) charlie horses wake me up every night, almost in tears 8) bending down is a joke, and it's probably quite comical too (I am thankful for a midget running around to hand me stuff) 9) I have butter fingers so bad that #8 becomes a question of how important is it to pick it up (in reference to this, in one day, I broke a pitcher with the jar of peanut butter, broke the lid on the jar of peanut butter, and managed to send a chip flying off my otter box phone case because I have dropped it too many times...) 10) my memory feels shot. 11) the hormones are totally messing with my moods, and I am trying so hard to contain them, but I actually cried last week (it was only the third time Kris has seen or heard me cry in over 8 years, I take that back, fifth, but the other two times were due to pain from surgeries and recovery, they are freebies) 12) I randomly breakout, worse than I ever did the entire time I was going through puberty. I am sure this list could go on. And I have 11 more weeks to go (on average). There's so much more. So much. I often wander if this baby only hears me yelling at Ethan, my temper feels so short. I know I did yell, and Kris and I had some arguments when I was pregnant with Ethan, but no where near as much as I feel I do with her. Will she come out thinking her mama is a hot head, and you better learn quick to duck and cover, and keep your mouth shut? Or will she be able to experience the loving voice I was able to bestow upon Ethan for so very long, before he started becoming a defiant little thing and arguing, and not listening, and disobeying, and being rude and mean. Lord I hope so. I am pretty sure I am screwing my children up. I just pray God will intervene some where and help us lead them down the narrow and righteous path.
This pregnancy reminds me of really bad PMS. For many years, actually, most of my reproductive life, I have been on birth control pills. And it regulated when and how long my cycles would be. Most of the time my emotions were pretty in check. There have been several times a year tho, that the emotions get really bad. It's almost like the devil snuck in with the placebo. Thoughts would run through my head like "I don't have any friends", "I want to hang out with someone, but I would just be a burden and honestly, they don't really like me any way", "I am the worse wife possible, how can Kris manage to stay with me another day", "I really hate my job", "I just want to go back to sleep because everything is making me so sad right now", and then a couple days later, all those weird feelings and blues would be gone. And I had to tell myself every time I got those feelings that this too shall pass. That's kind of what this pregnancy has been like on and off. Those exact thoughts have ran through my head, multiple times, about multiple circumstances and people. I have had dreams where I felt like an outsider with people who I thought were friends, and they didn't hide the fact that they didn't want me there, and I would wake up wandering if that's how it truly is and I just can't see it. Am I that annoying girl in high school that just doesn't get it, that no one likes her, yet she won't stop hanging out, or trying so hard that its gets almost sickening?? And I have gotten the impression from people that I either interrupted something or I am annoying them. But is it just the emotions on hyper drive and I am reading too much into it? Will it go away in a few days?? It's made me question a few good many things in life. And I don't want to burn bridges when in a few short months I will realize how wrong I was and wish for a way across again. So I just grit my teeth and distance myself for a while. It makes me sad tho. I know that Kris doesn't need a lot of friends. He seems pretty content with family, and work relationships, and some people he keeps at arms length. But I need more than that. I really need him, and about three really good girlfriends that I can hang out with, confess those secret thoughts to, and lean on. And right now I only have one, and I fear I smother her. So in fear of ruining our friendship through smothering, I often find myself not calling or texting her to see what she's doing. My other good friend just moved away, and it's pretty hard to hang out with someone who is like half the Continent away. I do have a fantastic relationship with a friend in North Texas via text messaging and facebook, which is kind of strange for me, because I usually loose long distance friendship without being able to hang out with that person and have face time, its just a proven fact with me, but I am so blessed to have her. We can not talk for a week, and then pick up where we left off, but I hate going a week without talking to her. It's more like every day, at the least every third day and that includes the weekend. So I just have days that feel like "baby blues", and it's really hard to explain. They usually clear up the next day, but they leave niggling little thoughts in my brain about the value some other people I hold very high hold me. I don't want to make someone in my life a priority if I am going to be like #20 to them. What kind of sense does that make?
I have also had struggles the last week with accepting that I need to change my diet. I was consuming far too much sugar. A coke or sweet tea almost every day, candy here and there throughout the day, ice cream twice a week, lots of bread, lots of sweets (baked goods, sweet spreads on my toast, brown sugar on my squash, sweet barbecue sauces on my foods, a LOT of fruit, which is high in sugar, the list goes on and on). And I don't think I failed my gestational diabetes test because I actually have gestational diabetes. I think I failed it because I had bariatric surgery 5 years ago and my body literally CANNOT handle the consumption of that much sugar in one sitting, which will mimic the results of GD. What happens is called dumping syndrome. Ask any person who has had the surgery, or just go look it up. From what I understand, this is how it happens. A normal stomach is large, with stomach acids always sitting in the bottom. When a person eats something sweet, or consumes a lot of sweets, the "reseviour" has a lot of room to fill up. These sweets get diluted by the stomach acids, but too much may still make us feel sick to our stomachs. So when the "sugar" hits the small intestine, where absorption into the blood stream starts, it's diluted to the point that the body can handle it. Your pancreas will produce more insulin if it detects too high of sugar in your blood. Maybe just a little more in a normal person. If you don't work off those extra sweets, it'll turn into fat. Okay, in a bariatric patient, our stomachs are much smaller, and often rerouted or parts removed that aid in stomach acid production (in my case, the part of my stomach that signals acid production was removed, so I have no "trigger" telling the other part of my stomach to produce acid, therefore I literally do not have, nor will I really ever, have true acid issues). So when the sweets hit, the reseviour is so small, it gets filled up fast, and it pushes through to the small intestine. Because it isn't diluted, it causes a spike in glucose in my blood. My pancreas detects this and "dumps" a massive amount of insulin in my blood to break down the glucose and bring my blood sugar back to normal. The problem is that it produces so much so fast trying to rectify the situation, that I get too MUCH insulin in my blood, causing my blood sugar to drop below what is normal. How I feel is this: Mmm sweets. Ugh, I feel uncomfortable now (start of the push into the intestine). I feel hot, shaky, nauseous thirsty, and thick tongued now. (glucose too high) I think I am going to throw up (and if I don't, my body pushes out everything I just ate so fast that it's painful diarrhea and cramping for 30 minutes, as in in a ball, almost crying, cramping) (massive drop of insulin). Now that that is over, I feel shaky, muddle headed, unable to focus, disconnected with my body, sick to my stomach again (and I need to eat something immediately. (massive drop of glucose in blood, sometimes I can almost pass out). Often, what I choose is something like a nutragrain bar and a cup of milk, which sometimes, very rarely, will start the process over again...). So when I drank that sugary GD drink, on an empty stomach, what exactly did they expect to happen?? Yes, I failed my GD test. Do I actually have GD? Most likely not. HOWEVER, because I was consuming so much sugar, my BARIATRIC side of my body was still reacting the same exact way. So, it is probably best that I just follow the diet, and go with the flow, and protect my baby and myself from the harmful effects, JUST IN CASE I ACTUALLY DO HAVE IT. The hard part has been, well every part of it. It has been accepting that I need to change. That I actually have a problem in the first place. That I am not normal, nor will I ever be able to have a normal pregnancy where I am allowed ice cream (and shame on my doctor with Ethan for never ever giving me ANY nutritional advice... I mean really? none??). That the things I was allowing myself to eat very possibly are harming my baby because it sure isn't giving me any nutrients to loose everything I ate before my body has a change to absorb it. And God designed our bodies magnificently That during pregnancy, what the baby doesn't get through your diet in nutrients, they will steal from your body (bones, muscles, hair, teeth, yes, they will take it all if you aren't careful). And for someone with absorption issues (b/c of the small reserviour and the lack of acids to break down the foods, etc), that means that not only will I eventually rob my body of the vital things it needs to function, I will eventually start robbing my baby, maybe not this one, but surely the next. This HAS to become a life style change for me. It HAS to become the way we eat. That I eat much much more protein than anything else (peanuts, almonds, protein shakes, hemp seeds, meat, etc), and then veggies, and whole grains if I can find any that won't affect my blood sugar so much, and then lastly fruits. My favorite. Eventually my taste buds will change. I know this as a fact. Many months of following weight watchers and then eating something I never allowed myself b/c of it's points cost, taught me that those foods were actually really nasty, and not satisfying at all. I am just NOT wanting to give up the ice cream, or give up the french fries and cheese burgers, or give up the cake, brownies, cookies and milk. Will I? Yes. Will I most likely hate it? 100%. Ask me in 5 years (if I am able to actually maintain the diet), how much easier it is. It might not be ANY easier. Maybe it won't be a thought at all at the point. Right now, it's all I think about, because it ties into my pregnancy. I constantly feel hungry, but I never want to eat, because it isn't what I really want. What I want is a big mac and french fries loaded with ketchup and a coke from McDonalds. What I want is the subway sub with the bread I like. What I want is a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. What I want is chocolate milk to wash it down. What I want is a bag of doritos with my tuna salad sandwich. I do not want that stupid wrap with less than 1 g of sugar, with nothing crunchy to go along with it (chips), and nothing sweet to wash it down (tea/coke/even a flavored water for goodness sakes!!). I don't want to have to try new recipes, and fail at them, and learn to cook almost all over again, because a lot of recipes take tweaking to personal preference. There is not such thing as convenient food any more. Because every fast food place is pretty much off limits unless I want a salad, and no, I don't want any more salads. No more donuts at church, no more taking Ethan for a treat once in a while. I didn't even get to try a bite of Kris' birthday cake. You know how sad that makes me?? Now, my midwife is VERY sympathetic, because she had the surgery 10 years ago, and she knows that struggle I am going through, its a battle for her too. She's allowed me a cheat day for Kris' birthday (I am using it tomorrow, Saturday, when we go together and we can eat whatever we want, I still have to document and test my blood sugar, but she'll "overlook" my numbers that day) and she said for Easter Sunday, but we don't ever really do anything special for that meal, so I am thinking, baby shower?
My goodness this blog is long. But do you know how much better I feel? Probably not, if you made it this far you are probably tired of hearing me whine and cry and "oh pitiful me". So on the positives, my midwife is still continuing my care, which is vitally important to me, I can't wait to show the primary midwife when I go in how awesome my numbers are. And with a lot of supplementing, my blood work should be back up soon. Do I WANT to go see the specialist again? No, I do not. Only because I fear he'll yank my care from them to him, and he doesn't understand the way my midwife does. So that scares me. Do I want my baby to be healthy and born with as much ease as possible. Absolutely. So that will trump anything any day. I am glad to have Ethan the age he is, because he understands so much. Getting him into the car is a breeze. He opens the door himself, he sits down himself, yes I still buckle him in but it's for mommies peace of mind. He is super self sufficient. He has gotten down the peanut butter before and gotten out a spoon and went to town. He's able to reach the fruit on the counters, open the fridge and find something to eat. He has even almost mastered wiping his own behind (still checking behind him on that...). He can take a bath like a pro, even wash himself (mommy helps more than daddy, daddy walks him through it, mommy finds it faster to just do it herself). He can put on his cloths, he's learned that the tags go in the back, he can put on his own socks and shoes, and jacket (zippering is still a challenge, so are the complicated velcro shoes we got him for Christmas, by george tho, he never takes those shoes off!!), he can cover himself with his own blankets when he's cold, and tries to brush his own teeth. He can open doors (which mama has been working on for him to be a gentleman, plus that way if I have baby in hand he can help with that), and he likes to help at the grocery store. Overall, I think this is the BEST age to have another baby. Any sooner and we would have issues. Double diaper issues, carrying issues, getting dressed issues, eating issues, and the list goes on. Bills are bills, money is tight, but the Lord has provided for us, and I have faith that whatever he holds in our future is what he deems what we can handle. So I am going to sign off there... at the end of this very long winded blog. Thanking God for all the has done, and I am relying on him that he would never give us more than we could handle.
I have so many thoughts running through my head and I am not sure where to start. This is the result of not blogging, or even writing. Because writing releases it too. So bear with me. Because I fear, naught, I know, that this is going to be a lengthy one.
First, let me start out with thoughts on this pregnancy. It's pretty hard to think of anything else for long periods of time when: 1) you have to pee every hour, 2) this little girl loves to shift, and not so much kick, just shift, and it's really not that comfortable 3) I am carrying her so low that when I stand up I sometimes have the feeling she's using my bladder as a pillow, yet there's still a LOT of room to go up top, and it makes me waddle 4) I look in the mirror and I see this ball under my shirt (and I have lost sight of some body parts too) 5) I cannot lay on my back without my legs starting to jump uncontrollably 6) I cannot sit for long periods of time because she's so low that it hurts my pelvic floor and lately I have had this really annoying pain in my upper back on the side she is predominately laying on, so I reckon she's on a nerve 7) charlie horses wake me up every night, almost in tears 8) bending down is a joke, and it's probably quite comical too (I am thankful for a midget running around to hand me stuff) 9) I have butter fingers so bad that #8 becomes a question of how important is it to pick it up (in reference to this, in one day, I broke a pitcher with the jar of peanut butter, broke the lid on the jar of peanut butter, and managed to send a chip flying off my otter box phone case because I have dropped it too many times...) 10) my memory feels shot. 11) the hormones are totally messing with my moods, and I am trying so hard to contain them, but I actually cried last week (it was only the third time Kris has seen or heard me cry in over 8 years, I take that back, fifth, but the other two times were due to pain from surgeries and recovery, they are freebies) 12) I randomly breakout, worse than I ever did the entire time I was going through puberty. I am sure this list could go on. And I have 11 more weeks to go (on average). There's so much more. So much. I often wander if this baby only hears me yelling at Ethan, my temper feels so short. I know I did yell, and Kris and I had some arguments when I was pregnant with Ethan, but no where near as much as I feel I do with her. Will she come out thinking her mama is a hot head, and you better learn quick to duck and cover, and keep your mouth shut? Or will she be able to experience the loving voice I was able to bestow upon Ethan for so very long, before he started becoming a defiant little thing and arguing, and not listening, and disobeying, and being rude and mean. Lord I hope so. I am pretty sure I am screwing my children up. I just pray God will intervene some where and help us lead them down the narrow and righteous path.
This pregnancy reminds me of really bad PMS. For many years, actually, most of my reproductive life, I have been on birth control pills. And it regulated when and how long my cycles would be. Most of the time my emotions were pretty in check. There have been several times a year tho, that the emotions get really bad. It's almost like the devil snuck in with the placebo. Thoughts would run through my head like "I don't have any friends", "I want to hang out with someone, but I would just be a burden and honestly, they don't really like me any way", "I am the worse wife possible, how can Kris manage to stay with me another day", "I really hate my job", "I just want to go back to sleep because everything is making me so sad right now", and then a couple days later, all those weird feelings and blues would be gone. And I had to tell myself every time I got those feelings that this too shall pass. That's kind of what this pregnancy has been like on and off. Those exact thoughts have ran through my head, multiple times, about multiple circumstances and people. I have had dreams where I felt like an outsider with people who I thought were friends, and they didn't hide the fact that they didn't want me there, and I would wake up wandering if that's how it truly is and I just can't see it. Am I that annoying girl in high school that just doesn't get it, that no one likes her, yet she won't stop hanging out, or trying so hard that its gets almost sickening?? And I have gotten the impression from people that I either interrupted something or I am annoying them. But is it just the emotions on hyper drive and I am reading too much into it? Will it go away in a few days?? It's made me question a few good many things in life. And I don't want to burn bridges when in a few short months I will realize how wrong I was and wish for a way across again. So I just grit my teeth and distance myself for a while. It makes me sad tho. I know that Kris doesn't need a lot of friends. He seems pretty content with family, and work relationships, and some people he keeps at arms length. But I need more than that. I really need him, and about three really good girlfriends that I can hang out with, confess those secret thoughts to, and lean on. And right now I only have one, and I fear I smother her. So in fear of ruining our friendship through smothering, I often find myself not calling or texting her to see what she's doing. My other good friend just moved away, and it's pretty hard to hang out with someone who is like half the Continent away. I do have a fantastic relationship with a friend in North Texas via text messaging and facebook, which is kind of strange for me, because I usually loose long distance friendship without being able to hang out with that person and have face time, its just a proven fact with me, but I am so blessed to have her. We can not talk for a week, and then pick up where we left off, but I hate going a week without talking to her. It's more like every day, at the least every third day and that includes the weekend. So I just have days that feel like "baby blues", and it's really hard to explain. They usually clear up the next day, but they leave niggling little thoughts in my brain about the value some other people I hold very high hold me. I don't want to make someone in my life a priority if I am going to be like #20 to them. What kind of sense does that make?
I have also had struggles the last week with accepting that I need to change my diet. I was consuming far too much sugar. A coke or sweet tea almost every day, candy here and there throughout the day, ice cream twice a week, lots of bread, lots of sweets (baked goods, sweet spreads on my toast, brown sugar on my squash, sweet barbecue sauces on my foods, a LOT of fruit, which is high in sugar, the list goes on and on). And I don't think I failed my gestational diabetes test because I actually have gestational diabetes. I think I failed it because I had bariatric surgery 5 years ago and my body literally CANNOT handle the consumption of that much sugar in one sitting, which will mimic the results of GD. What happens is called dumping syndrome. Ask any person who has had the surgery, or just go look it up. From what I understand, this is how it happens. A normal stomach is large, with stomach acids always sitting in the bottom. When a person eats something sweet, or consumes a lot of sweets, the "reseviour" has a lot of room to fill up. These sweets get diluted by the stomach acids, but too much may still make us feel sick to our stomachs. So when the "sugar" hits the small intestine, where absorption into the blood stream starts, it's diluted to the point that the body can handle it. Your pancreas will produce more insulin if it detects too high of sugar in your blood. Maybe just a little more in a normal person. If you don't work off those extra sweets, it'll turn into fat. Okay, in a bariatric patient, our stomachs are much smaller, and often rerouted or parts removed that aid in stomach acid production (in my case, the part of my stomach that signals acid production was removed, so I have no "trigger" telling the other part of my stomach to produce acid, therefore I literally do not have, nor will I really ever, have true acid issues). So when the sweets hit, the reseviour is so small, it gets filled up fast, and it pushes through to the small intestine. Because it isn't diluted, it causes a spike in glucose in my blood. My pancreas detects this and "dumps" a massive amount of insulin in my blood to break down the glucose and bring my blood sugar back to normal. The problem is that it produces so much so fast trying to rectify the situation, that I get too MUCH insulin in my blood, causing my blood sugar to drop below what is normal. How I feel is this: Mmm sweets. Ugh, I feel uncomfortable now (start of the push into the intestine). I feel hot, shaky, nauseous thirsty, and thick tongued now. (glucose too high) I think I am going to throw up (and if I don't, my body pushes out everything I just ate so fast that it's painful diarrhea and cramping for 30 minutes, as in in a ball, almost crying, cramping) (massive drop of insulin). Now that that is over, I feel shaky, muddle headed, unable to focus, disconnected with my body, sick to my stomach again (and I need to eat something immediately. (massive drop of glucose in blood, sometimes I can almost pass out). Often, what I choose is something like a nutragrain bar and a cup of milk, which sometimes, very rarely, will start the process over again...). So when I drank that sugary GD drink, on an empty stomach, what exactly did they expect to happen?? Yes, I failed my GD test. Do I actually have GD? Most likely not. HOWEVER, because I was consuming so much sugar, my BARIATRIC side of my body was still reacting the same exact way. So, it is probably best that I just follow the diet, and go with the flow, and protect my baby and myself from the harmful effects, JUST IN CASE I ACTUALLY DO HAVE IT. The hard part has been, well every part of it. It has been accepting that I need to change. That I actually have a problem in the first place. That I am not normal, nor will I ever be able to have a normal pregnancy where I am allowed ice cream (and shame on my doctor with Ethan for never ever giving me ANY nutritional advice... I mean really? none??). That the things I was allowing myself to eat very possibly are harming my baby because it sure isn't giving me any nutrients to loose everything I ate before my body has a change to absorb it. And God designed our bodies magnificently That during pregnancy, what the baby doesn't get through your diet in nutrients, they will steal from your body (bones, muscles, hair, teeth, yes, they will take it all if you aren't careful). And for someone with absorption issues (b/c of the small reserviour and the lack of acids to break down the foods, etc), that means that not only will I eventually rob my body of the vital things it needs to function, I will eventually start robbing my baby, maybe not this one, but surely the next. This HAS to become a life style change for me. It HAS to become the way we eat. That I eat much much more protein than anything else (peanuts, almonds, protein shakes, hemp seeds, meat, etc), and then veggies, and whole grains if I can find any that won't affect my blood sugar so much, and then lastly fruits. My favorite. Eventually my taste buds will change. I know this as a fact. Many months of following weight watchers and then eating something I never allowed myself b/c of it's points cost, taught me that those foods were actually really nasty, and not satisfying at all. I am just NOT wanting to give up the ice cream, or give up the french fries and cheese burgers, or give up the cake, brownies, cookies and milk. Will I? Yes. Will I most likely hate it? 100%. Ask me in 5 years (if I am able to actually maintain the diet), how much easier it is. It might not be ANY easier. Maybe it won't be a thought at all at the point. Right now, it's all I think about, because it ties into my pregnancy. I constantly feel hungry, but I never want to eat, because it isn't what I really want. What I want is a big mac and french fries loaded with ketchup and a coke from McDonalds. What I want is the subway sub with the bread I like. What I want is a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. What I want is chocolate milk to wash it down. What I want is a bag of doritos with my tuna salad sandwich. I do not want that stupid wrap with less than 1 g of sugar, with nothing crunchy to go along with it (chips), and nothing sweet to wash it down (tea/coke/even a flavored water for goodness sakes!!). I don't want to have to try new recipes, and fail at them, and learn to cook almost all over again, because a lot of recipes take tweaking to personal preference. There is not such thing as convenient food any more. Because every fast food place is pretty much off limits unless I want a salad, and no, I don't want any more salads. No more donuts at church, no more taking Ethan for a treat once in a while. I didn't even get to try a bite of Kris' birthday cake. You know how sad that makes me?? Now, my midwife is VERY sympathetic, because she had the surgery 10 years ago, and she knows that struggle I am going through, its a battle for her too. She's allowed me a cheat day for Kris' birthday (I am using it tomorrow, Saturday, when we go together and we can eat whatever we want, I still have to document and test my blood sugar, but she'll "overlook" my numbers that day) and she said for Easter Sunday, but we don't ever really do anything special for that meal, so I am thinking, baby shower?
My goodness this blog is long. But do you know how much better I feel? Probably not, if you made it this far you are probably tired of hearing me whine and cry and "oh pitiful me". So on the positives, my midwife is still continuing my care, which is vitally important to me, I can't wait to show the primary midwife when I go in how awesome my numbers are. And with a lot of supplementing, my blood work should be back up soon. Do I WANT to go see the specialist again? No, I do not. Only because I fear he'll yank my care from them to him, and he doesn't understand the way my midwife does. So that scares me. Do I want my baby to be healthy and born with as much ease as possible. Absolutely. So that will trump anything any day. I am glad to have Ethan the age he is, because he understands so much. Getting him into the car is a breeze. He opens the door himself, he sits down himself, yes I still buckle him in but it's for mommies peace of mind. He is super self sufficient. He has gotten down the peanut butter before and gotten out a spoon and went to town. He's able to reach the fruit on the counters, open the fridge and find something to eat. He has even almost mastered wiping his own behind (still checking behind him on that...). He can take a bath like a pro, even wash himself (mommy helps more than daddy, daddy walks him through it, mommy finds it faster to just do it herself). He can put on his cloths, he's learned that the tags go in the back, he can put on his own socks and shoes, and jacket (zippering is still a challenge, so are the complicated velcro shoes we got him for Christmas, by george tho, he never takes those shoes off!!), he can cover himself with his own blankets when he's cold, and tries to brush his own teeth. He can open doors (which mama has been working on for him to be a gentleman, plus that way if I have baby in hand he can help with that), and he likes to help at the grocery store. Overall, I think this is the BEST age to have another baby. Any sooner and we would have issues. Double diaper issues, carrying issues, getting dressed issues, eating issues, and the list goes on. Bills are bills, money is tight, but the Lord has provided for us, and I have faith that whatever he holds in our future is what he deems what we can handle. So I am going to sign off there... at the end of this very long winded blog. Thanking God for all the has done, and I am relying on him that he would never give us more than we could handle.
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